Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Birds and the Bees, Idiot-Style

Ya'all, I failed a parental duty, and it was deplorable. A preliminary s-e-x talk came knocking, I forgot to prepare, and it was a DISASTER! My poor child is probably more confused now, and I think I need to enroll in a reproductive class, if not some sort of shock therapy. Please don’t judge, but, I am about to share with you the mess of a conversation I had with my son recently. I was trying to pay bills, minding my own business, when out of the blue I hear:

Jacob: Mom, are you gonna have another baby?
Me: No.
Jacob: Why?
Me: Because.
Jacob: Well, where do they come from anyway?
Me: From mommy’s belly.
Jacob: What? How?
Me: They just do!
Jacob: But how to get in there?
Me: [sigh] Well, mommies have eggs, and…
Jacob: EGGS? Like in the refrigerator?
Me: No, not really, no…just we have eggs and daddy’s have sperm.
Jacob: Daddy? Daddies have babies too?
Me: No, they help make them.
Jacob: How?
Me: Hey, is that a gorilla over there in the bushes?
Jacob: [whips head around to check, whips head back to me] What are sperm?
Me: Well, they are like fish.
Jacob: FISH? Do I have fish in my body?
Me: Well no, wait…why are we talking about this?

OBVIOUSLY I had never prepared for the "birds and the bees" talk, and I should have either stopped paying bills while answering him, or I should have put off the conversation and formulated better answers before filling my son’s head with visions of chicken/human eggs, rogue gorillas, and fish filling up his dad’s body. But the train wreck continued:

Jacob: Where does the baby come out?
Audrey: [who walked in during the second half of the conversation] your BUTT!
Me; [horrified] WHAT? No, no! Where did you hear THAT??
Audrey: My friends!
Me: [making mental note to find her some new friends] No…they come out of the birth canal.
Jacob: Where is THAT?
Me: It’s…in the privacy section of the body, you don’t need to know, ‘cause you will never have babies yourself.
Jacob: [turns to Audrey] Audrey, I think it kinda hurts to have a baby.
Audrey: Nah, it’s just like a pinch!
Me: Um, it’s more than a pinch, who are you talking to about this, Audrey?
Jacob: Did it hurt mom?
Me: Well, you and Audrey were cut out of mommy’s belly.
*both kids' eyes widen, they are frozen in terror*
Jacob: With a KNIFE!?!
Me: Yes, of sorts.
Jacob: GROSS! Audrey! They are gonna cut your belly open with a knife from the kitchen!
Audrey: [crying] Nooooooooooooo!
Me: No, no, no! Mommy just had complications…Audrey will be fine. She’s only 6 don’t scare her!
Jacob: When my wife has a baby, I don’t want to watch!
Me: Well, thank goodness we don’t have to worry about that NOW…can we talk about something else?
Jacob: Wait mom, babies eat milk right?
Me: Yes…
Jacob: Like puppies and baby cows?
Me: [I see where this is going] Yes…
Jacob: Do mommies have milk?
Me: Um, yes.
Jacob: From where?
Me: Their mammary glands.
Jacob: What?
Me: It’s in the chest-al area.
Jacob: Chest-al? Mai..mora, what?
Me: Jacob, it doesn’t matter! Go play your Gameboy.
Jacob: [wheels spinning, smoke filling his head] OK…

I can’t tell if I wrote this post to make you all laugh, or as a desperate cry for help. Either way be gentle, I had an insane week!

16 comments:

One Cluttered Brain said...

LOL! Way to change the subject! I dread that topic----what is a GOOD way to approach the subject???
Thanks for the laugh! It was definitely appreciated!

Lulu said...

Oh my god - I laughed so hard I think I pooped a baby out of my butt!!!

But it only pinched, don't worry.

I blurted out the sex talk when my daughter asked what 'Aids' was - and I went through the whole sex spiel, and just when I got to the end, her eyes were totally wide and she said, "Are YOU going to have a baby???" and her soon-to-be junior high-age snotty (at the time) sister walked through the room and said, "Oh god if there's another kid in this house I'm moooving!!!" And her sister told me later that she thought Aids was like measles and all she wanted to know was if she needed to get a shot for it.

So I overtalked a bit.

w said...

hhahahahahaah! that was hilarious.

man. a discussion about the mayermy glands. just wait until he asks what a varsedectomy is.

Sara said...

That was a stellar read. You did quite well. Hopefully he'll be scared to have sex anyway for a long time.

Jenny said...

P.S. it was moi who posted as Sara... I dunno why it did that.

Nilz said...

Its never easy to fully satisfy their queries - and better to be prepared for those impromptu questions. Anyway,the conversation is interesting.

Sarah said...

YES!! Thanks, Kim, for posting this so that I can now stay up all night preparing for this eventual chat with my own son! Luckily he usually quits after just a couple of questions, so the gorilla thing might work. I'll keep that one in the arsenal just in case...

Thank you for leading the way, =!!! <3

robin said...

ya know my kids have never really asked me cause they have books on the subject that are designed for kids. they just look at the pics and giggle at this point.....

Kearsie said...

Dude. A few months ago I was driving in the car with Emma and she whipped out the "where do babies come from?" question. So I took the scientific approach. You know, "vagina", "penis", "ovaries", "sperm"...after a while her eyes glazed over. Then I panicked and thought, oh no, she's going to go back to her class and tell all I've just told her, so I real quickly made it clear that she needed to only talk about this with me and none of her friends. She just shrugged and said, "dont' worry, I'll probably forget all about it and call it a bagina."

True story.

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Insanity Kim,
I'm dreading the sex talk, so may I copy this and just distribute it to my kids? Thanks!

By the way, I call my privacy section "Area 51." 'Nuff said.

Insanity Kim said...

HAHAHAHA! You all are cracking me up, and many of you are making me feel MUCH better, too! :)

Miss Yvonne said...

Don't you even worry about it...you'll have to have this talk at least once more with each of them as they get older. So, yea for that right?

I love how kids always think babies come out of butts. They're all about butts.

The Retired One said...

Just do what my mom did. She got herself good and drunk and slurringly asked me:"So you know about sex and babies and everything, don't you?
(Of course I had heard from my friends, I was 12 for God's Sake!). When I said yes, she let out a huge sigh of relief. Done deal.
ha

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

Laughing. Too. Hard.

Should. Have. Peed. Before. Reading.

Must. Find. Mop.

Seriously, that was hilarious! I have had similar talks with Isabel...and I have done the "is that a kangaroo in your bed" kind of desperate distractions too. lol

Tamsin said...

Praise the LORD my kids are only 2 1/2 and 4 months. By the time questions like THOSE come around Kim'll have it down pat, right??

kaye said...

you are so freakin funny! i wonder why i've never come across your blog before. tsk. anyways, for that i am grabbing your button for both my sites (this and wahmaholic.com). thank you for the comment, btw :)

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