Thursday, May 21, 2009

For Those of You Seeking Marital Advice...

So, seeing as I just celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary, AND because I allegedly have this whole marriage/relationship thing TOTALLY figured out (dramatic eye roll). AND we never encounter issues because of our enviable maturity and mediation skills (suppress heaving). AND because I am such a SERIOUS soul with great and sound wisdom, I shall now impart to you a glorious tidbit that will forever change your marriage into the fairytale you have dreamed of since you were a child.

SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! Halt here! Fairytale? Like Disney? Well, let me say you’re about to get schooled in Disney fairy tales, Insanitykim style, AND be schooled in the art of martial bliss, all while being entertained with creative visual interpretation.

Now I realize I might be preaching to the choir here, but, in case you're wondering, here’s the tidbit that will change your marriage…your husband cannot read your mind!

TA DAAAAAAAAAA!

“What do you mean?” you ask? Do I mean the mind games won’t work? Yes. Do I mean that he will always be forgetful, too frank, a little aloof, totally clueless and fairly incapable of digging himself out of a hole or getting his foot out of his mouth? OK, to be fair, not ALWAYS, but certainly enough for you to want to dig your nails into your eyes on occasion.

So here’s the thing. Disney would have you think that their Damsels in Distress (actually, they seem quite lazy, they’re like, always sleeping) are rescued by the man of their dreams, Prince Charming (they should know, with all the sleeping they do) and that representation of a man is what we must pine for until we find him. Well, let’s see what Prince Charming has going for him:

- He’s hot
- He can dance
- He is friendly with little woodland creatures
- He can ride a horse
- He carries around a big sword, and seems to know how to use it…
- He doesn’t slobber when he kisses (OK, I am just assuming that one is true)
- He manages to defeat the bad guys, and,
- He is all around rather charming, right?

But let’s take a closer look at our hero. Closer. No, even closer! OK, here’s where my tidbit fits in. ahem. The man is clueless!

Clueless! Not because of his IQ, or royal upbringing, or overuse of hair gel, but because he is a MAN! Think about it!

- Snow White’s Prince Charming had to be guided by all the woodland creatures and dwarfs in order to save her. Alone he probably would have eaten a poison apple too and collapsed on her doorstep…

- Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming had to be told by three fairies the step-by-step process for slaying the dragon; they even had to pick out his magical warring accessories! I bet without that extra push he would have just wanted to nap too…

- Alladin, for goodness sakes, had to have a genie turn into a bee, buzzing in his ear, in order for Al to say the right words so he didn’t botch that whole date! (thank goodness for flying carpets!)

- And Shrek…wait that’s not Disney…who wouldn’t want to marry Shrek, c’mon!

OK, so looking very, very deeply into these movies as I have, and unpacking the subtleties of them all, one very quickly comes to realize that you must direct your man at every turn in order for them to be your Prince Charming. This means…

- If you got your hair cut into a cute and vastly different style, don’t walk into the house and say, “notice anything different?” That sentence doesn’t have pronouns or descriptor words! He will be totally lost, notice the wrong thing, and you’ll be in the bathroom crying in 2 minutes. Instead say, “hey, I got my haircut, looks nice, right??”

-If you totally ruined dinner and you know it’s awful and you can barely choke it down, but he’s eating, it, don’t ask him if he thinks it’s good, especially if you DON'T want an honest opinion! You know you want him to say it was just fine and to thank you for slaving in the kitchen, but his blood supply is being used up, trying to digest the sludge you served him, so he is gonna fail no matter what. Simply ask him, “do you want extra dessert tonight?” to which he can safely say, “yes!”

-If an obviously gorgeous woman walks by, don’t ask the poor man if he thinks she is pretty, or worse yet, prettier than you. You know you want him to say “no”. But, his thinking is rather linear, and if you have had him out shopping for a few hours, his brain is now oatmeal, and there is no way he will be able to concoct a sentence that will be any more than “yes?”

-Household chores: If you want something done a certain way at a certain time, you must be EXPLICIT in your instructions from beginning to end! Do not say, “hon, can you put away the dishes?” and leave it at that! In your mind that means he immediately gets up from his chair, opens the dishwasher, lines the cupboard with clean dishes arranged by type and size, without breaking any, then goes a step further and puts the DIRTY dishes in the washer, and wipes down the counters and the floor. What he actually does is sit there for another 15 minutes at least, because the dishes aren’t going anywhere soon, and there’s no need to rush, and besides he doesn’t mind getting a clean beer mug out of the washer anyway! You must say this: “Honey, please get up right now and remove all the clean dishes from the washer and put them away in the cupboard. You can look at this diagram I drew as a reference. Then please rinse off the dirty dishes, and put them in the washer. When you do this, pretend that you’re playing Tetris to utilize all the washer space correctly! Get this done without breaking anything in the next 20 minutes and you might win a prize!”

-And by this point, if you are STILL thinking it’s fair question to ask your man if he thinks you’re fat, then YOU deserve to be sleeping on the couch! Just saying…

Now, for all you who are visual learners, here are a few of my daughter’s dolls to demonstrate what happens when you expect hubby to read your mind…

Here is The Happy Couple on their wedding day. We'll call them Brit Brit and Kev, as that is what we are dealing with here: young, green, lust-filled newlyweds. Everything is perfect and they are looking forward to a passionate partnership! They're all, "oh, happy happy, love love!" I bet they wish they could hug each other!
























A few years and kids later, the scene looks like this. They are "happy" and, "settled" also known as "stuck in a rut" and "saggy". But he has his sports channel, she has a great house, and an evolving hairstyle, so things have worked out pretty well (when he remembers to pick up his socks and put the toilet seat down). Here she's all, "honey, do I look fat in this?" And he's all, "uh, well, you have put on a few since the wedding..."























This was not what she was wanting to hear. So she invites her young, single friend, (we'll call her Miley) over to talk about how he isn't listening to her requests and doesn't get that she wants him to pick up around the house more, even though she sighs very loudly when she bends over to pick up his socks, again, and that he didn't notice her new hairstyle. Miley's all. "uh-huh..."

















Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of getting up, and noticing her friend, and even remembering her name as he says, "wow, you sure do have beautiful hair!"

















She goes into a tirade after Miley leaves, screaming about how he never does anything around the house, didn't notice her hair, and obviously thinks Miley is prettier than her, especially since he remembered her name and said he liked her long red hair, yet said she herself was fat. He is dumbfounded by the whole encounter, because he cannot remember one conversation about picking up socks, or being alerted to a hairstyle change, and she tells him all the time how much weight she has gained, and besides, he was just agreeing with what she just said about Miley's hair, two seconds before him, and duh, Miley is his sister's name. Easy to remember!























This infuriates her all the more, and every issue she has kept bottled up inside, hoping he would telepathically receive, comes out over the course of an hour, to which he says, "why didn't you just tell me all of this in the first place?"
















She lets him know, in the simplest of terms, that frankness, logic, reasoning and honesty are not tolerated!
















If only she knew that was how he worked from the beginning, if only there had been a manual...if only he could be programmed! If only she had heard my tidbit...if only this post would stop here...wait, it does.



22 comments:

Kearsie said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
Phew...
Ok, first, in that first picture, is it just me or is Kev gettin a little fresh with Brit Brit?

Second, how come all your Barbies are clothed and have non-knappified hair?

Hannah said...

This is freakin' hillarious. I love your blog :-)

w said...

i have thrown myself down on the floor as britbrit does in that one pic.

and dude. miley? *stab stab*.

i did read this. edven i told you i wouldn't because i don't need marital advarice.

ModernMom said...

Bah Ha HA
Perhaps you could do a barbie re-enactment for all newly engaged girls..just to make sure they know what they are getting into!

You hit it all right on. Especially the dishes! (well at least for me)

Great great "tidbit"

TheClayMuse said...

HAHAH Kim.. seriously.. I think I love you! And this post all holds true to us non-married living in sin for the past 5 years couples (cause i know I'm not the only one) ... Although sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you flat out say "please turn the bathroom light out when your done in there" cause he still leaves it on, so when you say something.. again.. your a nag! well turn it off and I wont say anything :P

The Retired One said...

LMAO...that was too funny. I love how you posed the dolls in all those positions to suit your story.
(Me thinks maybe you have a little too much time on your hands. Just sayin'...) but to our benefit.
I am afraid what you will do with G.I.Joe dolls...
hahaaaaaaaa

The Mother said...

Hilarious.

Unfortunately, when dealing with four million years of evolutionary psychology, I doubt a quick visual primer will ever be enough.

One Cluttered Brain said...

Yeah...How come your Barbie's are all fully clothed?? That is defintely a novelty around here. Especially Ken. He usually just hangs out in his underwear.

This is the funniest blog I have read today!
Thank for making me laugh so hard I ALMOST peed my pants. Marriage can be bliss...we just have to WORK at it. Here's to another 13 more huh?

kAyE said...

hahahhahahha!!!! i...can't....breathe....

Jennifer said...

I.
Can't.
Breath.
I'm.
Laughing.
Too.
Hard.

Rainbow Swirlz said...

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Jaime W. said...

You're awesome!!!

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I loved this! The barbies posed for illustration were hilarious!!!

Sarah said...

WOW!!! Is this the key that my marriage has been missing for the past 9 years?? Will I now, starting this minute, have perfect marital bliss just like you?

I always wanted to be just like you when I grew up...now I'm one step closer!

Thanks, BFF! :) (p.s. you might not want to let Josh read this post - he would be sad to know you were on to him)

Vickie said...

I love the barbie actors!!! My husband actually tells me the truth if I cooked something he doesn't like. "Lets not eat this again"

I have an award for you on my blog. Check it out when you have time.

I am Harriet said...

You know Kim..that Ken has no ba##s.
fyi...

Banteringblonde said...

this is cracking me up ... i was laughing so hard I went back to read some of it again! lol

Insanity Kim said...

HAHHA thanks everyone for the kind words! I felt sort of scattered as I wrote this, because I had all these ideas and had a heck of a time piecing them together, this post took about half of a day to construct (thank goodness the others don't, my house would have to be condemned due to neglect)so I am SO happy to hear it caused many of you to have trouble breathing and nearly suffer laughter-induced incontinence! That makes my day! ;)

becka said...

Haha, I love the barbies. Especially the out of control hair one, too funny!

Kristen said...

Loved this post....so TRUE! However, I'm lucky that my husband cooks, picks up after himself most of the time and will empty the dishwasher if forced to or if I ask him to....and he'll do a good job. Although, it seems I'm still made to feel as thoug I don't do enough around the house. Hell, isn't raising 2 small kids and making sure I don't emotionally scar them for life work enough??

windi said...

Oh wow! So funny!!!!! And so true! I have pretty much done it all except asking about the whole "am I fat" 'cause I already know the answer to that question ha ha ha!!!! Your very creative. I'm so impressed!

Jessica (Hey Lola) said...

OMG...You have to illustrate all of your blogs with dolls....HAVE to.

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