Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Hate Aunt Flo!

I hate Aunt Flo. She ruins everything when she comes! She always shows up unannounced, making a mess of things, which puts me in a foul mood and sends hubby into a locked room to escape her week of mayhem. She totally dictates what I wear when she is here (she's all, "oh no WAY you're gonna fit into those pants!") and I always have to sit around and cater to her every flippin' whim and demand until she leaves, which zaps my energy and makes me about as lovable as a rat with plague. And, no matter how much I want her to stay away, she is here faithfully, every month.

So now she is not only ruining my life, and my husband’s life, but she is also ruining my kids' lives, in that she dictates the attendance of their favorite summer vacation activity, going to the pool.

There is NO getting near the pool when Aunt Flo shows up. She is SO obnoxious and all over the place that there is no way to contain her in a pool setting. Which is hard to explain when the kids come up to me and say,

KIDS: Mom! It’s 85 degrees! We can go to the pool today!

ME: Uh, sorry kiddos, not today.

KIDS: What? WHY??? You SAID if it’s 85 degrees we could go! *tears welling in eyes*

ME: Yeah I know, but, um, see, Aunt Flo is here.

KIDS: Aunt Flo? We have another Aunt?

ME: Yeah, sort of.

KIDS: Where is she? Why can’t she go to the pool?

ME: Uh…

KIDS: Doesn’t she like the pool? Does she not have a suit?

ME: Well, no…

KIDS: Why does she have to come?

ME: It’s hard to explain…

And yes, this is when I give up, try to explain, and ruin my kids for life…

ME: See kids, mommies have this, uh, thing that happens to their bodies.

KIDS: What?

ME: Well, our bodies prepare to have babies every month, and um... our bodies make a warm nutritious place for babies to live in their belly. If no baby shows up, the mommies bodies get rid of that, um, room that was set up in there.

KIDS: Like, they poop it out?

ME: Sigh. No.

JACOB: OH! Is that what you use those diapers for?

AUDREY: They are pillows for my dollies!

ME: They are not diapers, OR dolly pillows for crying out loud!! They are pads! And stop getting into the cabinets!

AUDREY: What comes out mommy of your butt, mommy?

ME: ACK! NO! Not there! Um...stuff! Stuff that can’t go in the pool.

JACOB: What does this have to do with Aunt Flo?

ME: Um…can we forget that part of the conversation? Or maybe all of it?

AUDREY: Who’s Aunt Flo again?

ME: (Slapping myself in the head) Look kids. Once a month, mommy can’t go into the pool, because she has her period OK? That is what it’s called. I’m not explaining any more, but we can’t go this week and THAT’S THE END OF THE CONVERSATION and do NOT under ANY circumstances repeat ANY of this conversation!!

KIDS: (blinking uncontrollably as they put all those words together) So…can Aunt Flo take us to the pool?

*Smacking my forehead*…

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tuesday Twitters

These days I am starting my morning by swallowing a couple of Mentos with Diet Coke; it really gets me going…

I was jolted awake by the loudest thunderclap I have ever heard and it scared the crazap out of all of us! I think Edward and his family were playing baseball again.

Jacob was on the floor, somersaulting half of a Lego Starwars Stormtrooper, yelling, “the British are coming! The British are coming!” then it turned into, “the mollusks are coming! The fences are coming! The ears are coming!”

My PMS week overcame the zitcream barrier and the blasted mounds of pain came sprouting up in random places on my face. I tried using more zitcream and now my face is peeling off. Sex-ay!

Have you heard of swagbucks? Go check it out here no WAIT! Check it out HERE, so I can get more swagbucks…hmmm. Being awarded $5 gift cards to Amazon or Starbucks just for surfing the web might be worth it. Check it out!

There was a house centipede on our bedroom ceiling right above my head. I convinced hubby to trap it so I could put it next to the fireplace to kill the spiders. See what it has come to? I have to keep THIS around to save me from the spiders!

Oh and don't worry, their bite is no worse than the sting of a bee. SERIOUSLY?? ACK!

Who are John and Kate, and, should I care?

I was introduced to these Pillsbury fudge brownies from Sam’s club that are sold in a packages about the size of a wood pallet. These brownies are evil. They are so wrong. And when I am around them, I don’t wanna be right.

I was able to stop myself at one brownie though, and I have been working out faithfully! I think I have lost two pounds! From where, however, I cannot yet tell…

Have I talked about John Mayer lately? Hmmm. I have not. He must not be dating, or twittering (it’s so quiet).

Audge adopted an inch worm and named him Mr. Inchie (nothing like Mr. Creepy up there). He had to come in the car with us, and he escaped. He is now probably, Mr. Crunchie, somewhere near the cup holders.

I cleaned my house for company! It feels “weird” in the house now.

I really need those brownies. Good thing I am too lazy to drive to Sam’s.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Blowing Stuff Up can be Fun!!!

Some of you might remember that I try to pretend that I am, with actual crafts and stuff, especially when I am attempting home school projects with my kids. You might also remember that I helped my kids assemble mounds of dirt, sticks and clay that were supposed to be bird’s nests, the two hours of mayhem making an advent calendar, and the disaster with home made gingerbread houses. This year I bought the boxed set, thinking it would be a slam dunk, and look what STILL happened! I am the opposite of Martha Stewart...

But the good news is, I am a great copy-cat, and I was able to redeem myself, at least in my children’s eyes, as a super-cool, sciencey-brainiack mom, who makes up words 'cause she can.

This time we didn’t make anything, instead, we blew up stuff. Diet Coke to be exact. Oh yeah. This is cool.

Simply put, you can go to many different sites, such as Weird Science Kids, Steve Spangler Science, or even Mythbusters to learn how to make a Coke Geyser and thrill all the kids on your block (maybe even the New Kids on the Block if you did this at one of their comeback concerts…just sayin’).

So now, for your visual enjoyment, a pictorial of the actual demonstration…

First, we took off for Rite Aid to buy Diet Coke and Mentos, where my kids joyfully exclaimed to all around us that we were about to blow up stuff...thankfully no one called the police.

Here is the Diet Coke.

Here are the Mentos.Now, the whole reason the geyser takes place is due to the chemical reactions between 4 ingredients in the Diet Coke: Carbonated Water, Phosphoric Acid, Caffeine, and Aspartame, (although you can get a stickier, and decent sized, geyser with regular Coke,) and two ingredients in the Mentos: Gum Arabic and Gelatin. Also, the Mentos are covered with pits, much like the surface of the moon. This allows for a process called Nucleation, which basically means the CO2 is able to attach to the pits, form bubbles, and then be released as a gas. When you have several Mentos in the Diet Coke, you get a bazillion bazillion bubbles. Man, I am SO smart...

When all of these components mix, you get an explosion! Observe...

Coolness. The kids had a blast, literally and figuratively!

Remember to always wear protective gear, and make your child do a terribly boring report after spraying Diet Coke all over the place and drinking the foam. This will make you fun AND responsible, like me!

Happy Explosions!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

For Those of You Seeking Marital Advice...

So, seeing as I just celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary, AND because I allegedly have this whole marriage/relationship thing TOTALLY figured out (dramatic eye roll). AND we never encounter issues because of our enviable maturity and mediation skills (suppress heaving). AND because I am such a SERIOUS soul with great and sound wisdom, I shall now impart to you a glorious tidbit that will forever change your marriage into the fairytale you have dreamed of since you were a child.

SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! Halt here! Fairytale? Like Disney? Well, let me say you’re about to get schooled in Disney fairy tales, Insanitykim style, AND be schooled in the art of martial bliss, all while being entertained with creative visual interpretation.

Now I realize I might be preaching to the choir here, but, in case you're wondering, here’s the tidbit that will change your marriage…your husband cannot read your mind!


“What do you mean?” you ask? Do I mean the mind games won’t work? Yes. Do I mean that he will always be forgetful, too frank, a little aloof, totally clueless and fairly incapable of digging himself out of a hole or getting his foot out of his mouth? OK, to be fair, not ALWAYS, but certainly enough for you to want to dig your nails into your eyes on occasion.

So here’s the thing. Disney would have you think that their Damsels in Distress (actually, they seem quite lazy, they’re like, always sleeping) are rescued by the man of their dreams, Prince Charming (they should know, with all the sleeping they do) and that representation of a man is what we must pine for until we find him. Well, let’s see what Prince Charming has going for him:

- He’s hot
- He can dance
- He is friendly with little woodland creatures
- He can ride a horse
- He carries around a big sword, and seems to know how to use it…
- He doesn’t slobber when he kisses (OK, I am just assuming that one is true)
- He manages to defeat the bad guys, and,
- He is all around rather charming, right?

But let’s take a closer look at our hero. Closer. No, even closer! OK, here’s where my tidbit fits in. ahem. The man is clueless!

Clueless! Not because of his IQ, or royal upbringing, or overuse of hair gel, but because he is a MAN! Think about it!

- Snow White’s Prince Charming had to be guided by all the woodland creatures and dwarfs in order to save her. Alone he probably would have eaten a poison apple too and collapsed on her doorstep…

- Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming had to be told by three fairies the step-by-step process for slaying the dragon; they even had to pick out his magical warring accessories! I bet without that extra push he would have just wanted to nap too…

- Alladin, for goodness sakes, had to have a genie turn into a bee, buzzing in his ear, in order for Al to say the right words so he didn’t botch that whole date! (thank goodness for flying carpets!)

- And Shrek…wait that’s not Disney…who wouldn’t want to marry Shrek, c’mon!

OK, so looking very, very deeply into these movies as I have, and unpacking the subtleties of them all, one very quickly comes to realize that you must direct your man at every turn in order for them to be your Prince Charming. This means…

- If you got your hair cut into a cute and vastly different style, don’t walk into the house and say, “notice anything different?” That sentence doesn’t have pronouns or descriptor words! He will be totally lost, notice the wrong thing, and you’ll be in the bathroom crying in 2 minutes. Instead say, “hey, I got my haircut, looks nice, right??”

-If you totally ruined dinner and you know it’s awful and you can barely choke it down, but he’s eating, it, don’t ask him if he thinks it’s good, especially if you DON'T want an honest opinion! You know you want him to say it was just fine and to thank you for slaving in the kitchen, but his blood supply is being used up, trying to digest the sludge you served him, so he is gonna fail no matter what. Simply ask him, “do you want extra dessert tonight?” to which he can safely say, “yes!”

-If an obviously gorgeous woman walks by, don’t ask the poor man if he thinks she is pretty, or worse yet, prettier than you. You know you want him to say “no”. But, his thinking is rather linear, and if you have had him out shopping for a few hours, his brain is now oatmeal, and there is no way he will be able to concoct a sentence that will be any more than “yes?”

-Household chores: If you want something done a certain way at a certain time, you must be EXPLICIT in your instructions from beginning to end! Do not say, “hon, can you put away the dishes?” and leave it at that! In your mind that means he immediately gets up from his chair, opens the dishwasher, lines the cupboard with clean dishes arranged by type and size, without breaking any, then goes a step further and puts the DIRTY dishes in the washer, and wipes down the counters and the floor. What he actually does is sit there for another 15 minutes at least, because the dishes aren’t going anywhere soon, and there’s no need to rush, and besides he doesn’t mind getting a clean beer mug out of the washer anyway! You must say this: “Honey, please get up right now and remove all the clean dishes from the washer and put them away in the cupboard. You can look at this diagram I drew as a reference. Then please rinse off the dirty dishes, and put them in the washer. When you do this, pretend that you’re playing Tetris to utilize all the washer space correctly! Get this done without breaking anything in the next 20 minutes and you might win a prize!”

-And by this point, if you are STILL thinking it’s fair question to ask your man if he thinks you’re fat, then YOU deserve to be sleeping on the couch! Just saying…

Now, for all you who are visual learners, here are a few of my daughter’s dolls to demonstrate what happens when you expect hubby to read your mind…

Here is The Happy Couple on their wedding day. We'll call them Brit Brit and Kev, as that is what we are dealing with here: young, green, lust-filled newlyweds. Everything is perfect and they are looking forward to a passionate partnership! They're all, "oh, happy happy, love love!" I bet they wish they could hug each other!

A few years and kids later, the scene looks like this. They are "happy" and, "settled" also known as "stuck in a rut" and "saggy". But he has his sports channel, she has a great house, and an evolving hairstyle, so things have worked out pretty well (when he remembers to pick up his socks and put the toilet seat down). Here she's all, "honey, do I look fat in this?" And he's all, "uh, well, you have put on a few since the wedding..."

This was not what she was wanting to hear. So she invites her young, single friend, (we'll call her Miley) over to talk about how he isn't listening to her requests and doesn't get that she wants him to pick up around the house more, even though she sighs very loudly when she bends over to pick up his socks, again, and that he didn't notice her new hairstyle. Miley's all. "uh-huh..."

Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of getting up, and noticing her friend, and even remembering her name as he says, "wow, you sure do have beautiful hair!"

She goes into a tirade after Miley leaves, screaming about how he never does anything around the house, didn't notice her hair, and obviously thinks Miley is prettier than her, especially since he remembered her name and said he liked her long red hair, yet said she herself was fat. He is dumbfounded by the whole encounter, because he cannot remember one conversation about picking up socks, or being alerted to a hairstyle change, and she tells him all the time how much weight she has gained, and besides, he was just agreeing with what she just said about Miley's hair, two seconds before him, and duh, Miley is his sister's name. Easy to remember!

This infuriates her all the more, and every issue she has kept bottled up inside, hoping he would telepathically receive, comes out over the course of an hour, to which he says, "why didn't you just tell me all of this in the first place?"

She lets him know, in the simplest of terms, that frankness, logic, reasoning and honesty are not tolerated!

If only she knew that was how he worked from the beginning, if only there had been a manual...if only he could be programmed! If only she had heard my tidbit...if only this post would stop here...wait, it does.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Tuesday Twitters

Sigh. I just can't do it ya'all. I can't keep the house clean. I am 2 days and a swarm of houseflies away from Kim and Aggie visiting my house and retching at the site of the toilet and kitchen sink. I exaggerate just a little...

All our favorite reality shows are coming to an end! Whatever shall I do? If you suggest cleaning, I just might block you from my reader list. Nah...

Isn't coffee like, one of the best pleasures in life? I mean seriously, I have been drinking the stuff since I was 9. Yes, you read that right, NINE. It was coffee and Welcome to Pooh Corner. And see how cool I am?

I am determined to get rid of my bingo wings. Yes I am SO gonna do it! What are bingo wings, you ask? They are not part of an 80's hairstyle, they are in fact my arms. Precisely where my triceps should be. Yes. I shall replace them with triceps. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice...

Audrey is convinced she can sell her pictures at the park and that it will be aweeeeeeeeeesommmmmme! She wants to sell them at 40 cents a piece. Any buyers? I mean, she WILL have to attend art school in Italy someday!

Speaking of Italy, we have been watching Molto Mario. He still confuses me because I have never seen a red-headed Irish-looking Italian. But, he has totally vindicated me in all my cooking techniques; let me tell ya, Italians do it best, even the Irish ones.

Does anyone remember how bad Pirates Of the Carribean III was? Well I didn't, until I watched it again. I will never get that time of my life back.

Speaking of time, LOST made me SO SO SO mad, especially because we have to wait until spring TWO THOUSAND AND TEN before we see the next season! That irked me so bad, that I want to buy all the past seasons, throw them down a magnetic shaft and BLOW THEM UP!! Um, was that a spoiler for anyone? Sorry!

Can I get a "wha wha"? I don't know. That's in my head.

Does anyone have a bone to pick with Oprah? Like a chicken bone? Discuss...

Happy Number 13!

Happy Happy Anniversary to me and my Hubby! (and it's not my hubby and I, just so you all who don't know that but think it is that way know now. Anyway...)

Thirteen amazing years of wedded bliss! I met this Hotty McHotty when he was 15 and I was on the verge of 17 (oh yeah, I like 'em young and feisty). I figured he would age well and give me great looking children. I was wise beyond my 17 years. We met on May 18th, 1991 at a high school dance; he was dressed as a 50's greaser, I was dressed as a Woodstock Hippie. We danced the night away and nearly had our first kiss to the song, More Than Words. Awwww...gooshey mushy love love love!

We married on May 18th, 1996, 5 years after we met. We were young whipper-snappers, me on the verge of 22 and he just a strapping studly 20. Oh yeah. I got to buy the alcohol as his "guardian" on our honeymoon. That was sooooooooooo hot and sexy.

Five years later we had our first child, Jacob, and our second 2 years later, Audrey. We made some great kids *pats on back*.

We have always been the best of friends, and our shared faith and our ever growing love for each other has made the past 18 years so fantastically amazing.
It freaks me out to think we have been together, already, longer than we were not, but two kids and several adventures later I can honestly say I could not have imagined anything better.

We are so blessed! I love you Josh! Have fun at the dentist today; losing a filling sucks. But hey! we get to watch the Survivor finale tonight! See you around 10ish for cheese, crackers, champagne and groaning over the dentist bill! Love ya hon!

PS See I TOLD you I had that hair!!!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Spoonfull of Sugar Can Scare the Crazap Out of Kids

We rented Mary Poppins for the kids again. I am always surprised that they actually sit though the 4 hour movie (ok it's not THAT long) and that I can take a nap; Mary Poppin's powers reach far beyond the pixels of the TV screen, me thinks...

Anyway, they were sitting watching the part of the movie where the children's nursery was a total disaster, and Miss P. starting happily singing that song about swallowing sugar, basically trying to tell the kids that yes! cleaning up your pit of a room can actually be FUN! Novel idea.

I asked the kids, "hey, would it be fun if I made cleaning a game, and sang songs while you cleaned your room?"

Jacob, without even looking away from the screen said, "no."

I was a little shocked, "what," I said, "you like it better when I stand over you and scream at you to pick up your mess?"

Without shifting an eye, he says, "well, it's better than THAT!", pointing at the screen.

Hmmm...I guess this is just what makes him all warm and fuzzy 'round these parts:

Oh guess what...*grabbing my umbrella as ominous music fills the house* it's time for them to start cleaning...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Birds and the Bees, Idiot-Style

Ya'all, I failed a parental duty, and it was deplorable. A preliminary s-e-x talk came knocking, I forgot to prepare, and it was a DISASTER! My poor child is probably more confused now, and I think I need to enroll in a reproductive class, if not some sort of shock therapy. Please don’t judge, but, I am about to share with you the mess of a conversation I had with my son recently. I was trying to pay bills, minding my own business, when out of the blue I hear:

Jacob: Mom, are you gonna have another baby?
Me: No.
Jacob: Why?
Me: Because.
Jacob: Well, where do they come from anyway?
Me: From mommy’s belly.
Jacob: What? How?
Me: They just do!
Jacob: But how to get in there?
Me: [sigh] Well, mommies have eggs, and…
Jacob: EGGS? Like in the refrigerator?
Me: No, not really, no…just we have eggs and daddy’s have sperm.
Jacob: Daddy? Daddies have babies too?
Me: No, they help make them.
Jacob: How?
Me: Hey, is that a gorilla over there in the bushes?
Jacob: [whips head around to check, whips head back to me] What are sperm?
Me: Well, they are like fish.
Jacob: FISH? Do I have fish in my body?
Me: Well no, wait…why are we talking about this?

OBVIOUSLY I had never prepared for the "birds and the bees" talk, and I should have either stopped paying bills while answering him, or I should have put off the conversation and formulated better answers before filling my son’s head with visions of chicken/human eggs, rogue gorillas, and fish filling up his dad’s body. But the train wreck continued:

Jacob: Where does the baby come out?
Audrey: [who walked in during the second half of the conversation] your BUTT!
Me; [horrified] WHAT? No, no! Where did you hear THAT??
Audrey: My friends!
Me: [making mental note to find her some new friends] No…they come out of the birth canal.
Jacob: Where is THAT?
Me: It’s…in the privacy section of the body, you don’t need to know, ‘cause you will never have babies yourself.
Jacob: [turns to Audrey] Audrey, I think it kinda hurts to have a baby.
Audrey: Nah, it’s just like a pinch!
Me: Um, it’s more than a pinch, who are you talking to about this, Audrey?
Jacob: Did it hurt mom?
Me: Well, you and Audrey were cut out of mommy’s belly.
*both kids' eyes widen, they are frozen in terror*
Jacob: With a KNIFE!?!
Me: Yes, of sorts.
Jacob: GROSS! Audrey! They are gonna cut your belly open with a knife from the kitchen!
Audrey: [crying] Nooooooooooooo!
Me: No, no, no! Mommy just had complications…Audrey will be fine. She’s only 6 don’t scare her!
Jacob: When my wife has a baby, I don’t want to watch!
Me: Well, thank goodness we don’t have to worry about that NOW…can we talk about something else?
Jacob: Wait mom, babies eat milk right?
Me: Yes…
Jacob: Like puppies and baby cows?
Me: [I see where this is going] Yes…
Jacob: Do mommies have milk?
Me: Um, yes.
Jacob: From where?
Me: Their mammary glands.
Jacob: What?
Me: It’s in the chest-al area.
Jacob: Chest-al? Mai..mora, what?
Me: Jacob, it doesn’t matter! Go play your Gameboy.
Jacob: [wheels spinning, smoke filling his head] OK…

I can’t tell if I wrote this post to make you all laugh, or as a desperate cry for help. Either way be gentle, I had an insane week!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Tuesday Twitters

My zit cream is working! It kept those monster undergrounders at bay and hey, I am looking alllllright! (now watch just because I said that a huge third eye will be on my forehead tomorrow!)

Oh man, I think I found a Twilight movie that I like and could watch, over and over…

Blueberry pie seems to have the same effect on me that ex-lax does. TMI? Psh. Go read this post again…

One of the elliptical machines at the clubhouse is broken (it wasn’t me), and every time I go the other one is being used, and so I have to RUN ON THE TREADMILL! Do you know how annoying this is? Do you know how many parts of your body jiggle around when you run? I wish all that jiggling would make the wobbly bits fall off, like when you shake an apple tree or something. Sheesh. I knew I hated running…

When did “no” start to mean, “wear me down with your relentless asking, whining, and evolving critical skill thinking that is so impressive it forces me to say, yes”?

Have I told you about Harry? Ya know, my daughter’s pet toilet paper roll? I need to check on that…but…

See this?

This is called “Orangie”. Yes it is. Maybe you’re still saying, um no, kim, what IS that?! OK…it’s a cat puppet, that has a monkey, (or a bear, depending on the day) stuck up inside it so it has legs. But WAIT, you say, it already HAS legs, four of them in fact! Yes. I know. And Audge brings Orangie everywhere, and brings fear into all who encounter it.

This is what happens when you leave your 8-year-old to finish his math on his own.

This is what happens when you tell your son he has 10 minutes to finish before his Gameboy is taken away.

Ya’ll, my hubby just finished the first two years of his Doctoral program, and let me tell you I am dang proud, DANG proud of him! (sniff!)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Fricken' Big Scary Spiders

I am sort of obsessed with figuring out what the heck kinda spiders are infiltrating my home. I really can’t tell if they are Wolf Spiders, Huntsman Spiders, Grass Spiders or even the terrible Hobo Spiders; all live here, and basically look EXACTLY THE SAME! Look at them up there!! And I don't have the time to trap them, kill them, preserve them in alcohol, and then stick them under our microscope to check their carapaces and eye patterns! In case you're wondering, in order from left to right, we have the Rabid Wolf Spider (nasty bite where your tissue dies and falls off, but you'll live), Hobo Spider (VERY dangerous, seek medical attention!), Hunstman Spider (not dangerous but beneficial), House Spider (not dangerous and quite possibly the actual culprit) and the Grass Spider (will find this one mostly outside in huge webs, not dangerous). Yes I know about the Brown Recluse, and I know my spiders are NOT those. Seriously.

So anyway, we go through the same phases every year. Spring comes along and the first itty bitty spider we see causes us to levitate, ever so slightly. A few weeks later, yellow-ish-clear, alien-looking spiders, a little bigger, show up EVERYWHERE, and we are totally creeped out while we use books and magazines to reach them, in the corners of the ceiling, to kill them (you may not want to borrow any books from us). Then out come the Orb Weavers, which cause your heart to stop as you scream “BLACK WIDOW!” but actually they are not; these are low to the ground and usually have a pill bug or two in their webs, which isn't a bad thing. Then there are the gum-ball sized, mother-lovin’ Orb Weavers that make their way in and perch in those hard to reach places, and, after a while you consider them a pet and become quite offended, if not concerned, when they pick up and move elsewhere. Then comes the hardest phase to get used to, the friggin’ big and scary, I-cannot-identify-without-a-microscope-and-entomology-degree-spiders, up in those pictures, which from here on out I will simply identify as the, AAAAAAAA! Spiders.

These AAAAAAAA! Spiders have a way of making an entrance, usually darting out from a closet onto the wall, or sitting next to you as you use the toilet at 5 am. AAAAAAAA! Spiders are incredibly fast, and in the early days, hubby had a problem trying to smash or trap them, as the kids and I screamed and darted frantically about him, beating our bodies for fear that one of them was on us. Because of this, they usually ended up getting away, and you could tell they were TOTALLY ticked off from the encounter!

So see, at about mid-spring or early summer, the AAAAAAAA! Spiders filter into the house at the rate of about 1 per week, at least. Imagine this: You’re sipping your coffee and something catches your eye as it darts across the living room floor. At first you think it’s a toy terrier your hubby bought you for your birthday, but no, it’s just another AAAAAAAA! Spider. So after freaking out for a bit, you manage to grab a glass and your daughter’s recent drawing that is laying on the floor, and your mad AAAAAAAA! Spider skills kick in, and you trap the darn thing and slip the picture of a pretty meadow scene underneath. You ask the kids to open the front door so you can set it free (a sort of karma if you will, even though I don’t believe in karma, I still am pretty sure they will gang up and try to destroy you if you destroy them) but this is the tricky part. They are so frickin’ fast that if you lose sight of them as you violently shake the glass, there is a great chance the AAAAAAAA! Spider could land on your head, which will inevitably land you in the hospital, either from the poisonous bite or from your self-inflicted injuries…

You repeat this dance with death about 25 more times over the course of the summer, and by summer’s end it’s more like this:

An AAAAAAAA! Spider saunters in and you’re all like, “ooooooooh no! you ain’t livin’ another DAY in MY house!” so you walk over and smash it with your foot. Or, as my daughter does it, you sit on it. And kill it. Then get up, look at it, and laugh about it.

Their size no longer intimidates you, and you realize that if you attack from above, and always tap out your shoes, check your sheets, turn on the light at night to go potty, wear gloves when you pull clothes from drawers, and stash a hefty supply of AAAAAAAA! Spider venom antidote, you’ll be ok! Besides, there are other things, like rabid bats, ticks with virulent diseases and mosquitoes with West Nile to worry about.

Then winter comes.

You become lazy. You feel safe in your own home again, like you’re in a soft, cozy bubble. The kids forget what spiders look like, and, for the most part, so do you. And every time the thermometer dips below 32, you laugh triumphantly, thinking, yes! AAAAAAAA! Spiders will SO not survive this year!

But see, the toughest, biggest ones DO survive, and every year it gets scarier, and harder, to fight for your life in your own home. See this one? It's bigger than the robust and still healthy Chilean Tarantula I bought my dad for Christmas about 6 years ago (don't ask why, just deal).

I am never visiting Australia, and if something even REMOTELY this big is EVER in my house, that I did not purchase for $19.95, I am moving to Barrow, Alaska. and locking the door. Excuse me while I freak out now.

Friday, May 8, 2009

My Ode To You Mothers...

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." -- Erma Bombeck-

"Mothers are all slightly insane."
-- J.D. Salinger

This is my ode
To the moms of the earth
Who loves them some babies
After their birth

(oooo this is good, right?)

I give my salute
To the hard work you do
Cleaning up dishes, and laundry
And green baby poo

I salute your resolve,
And the load that you carry
For I know when you dreamt about this
It wasn't THAT scary

But who else could do it?
You know you’re the star
Your house is still standing
And the kids and hubby are alive, so far…

And for those who work
Outside of the home
I must say you are tougher
Than Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

(stay with me it might get better…)

And I take off my hat
To those with a brood
You’re husband must be thankful
That you’re still “in the mood”!

And for all of us moms
With saggy skin and parts
Your behind may not be taut
But you’ve all got great hearts

Since I too am a mom
This was the best I could muster
Please don’t stop reading my blog
Because this was lack-luster

So Happy Mothers Day
To all of you I shout
You’re all rockstars and heros, I love ya,
Peace out.

The Logic of an 8-Year-Old

Ya know, these days my brain is NOT functioning to the capacity needed to keep up with the emerging synapse connections that are rapidly...uh, connecting, in my son’s brain. Now, mind you, he still can’t eat dinner without one foot on the chair, the other one bouncing around on the floor, and food falling out of his mouth, AND he can’t focus on anything, other than his gameboy or his boogers, for more than five minutes, but, he is obviously thinking about life and coming to some fairly concrete conclusions. Take for example, his view on having good luck:

“Luck? I don’t need it. And what’s with a lucky rabbit’s foot? Wasn’t lucky for the rabbit, his foot was cut off!”

Now I, knowing there is no such thing as original thought, (and, biased as I am) thought this was freaking brilliant.

Yep, *patting self on back* that's my kid.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I Got a Facelift!

Happy 100th to me!

I totally missed my 100th post, so I am celebrating now by giving my blog a makeover and saying THANK YOU to all my new and seasoned bloggy friends, and all the readers and followers for making Insanity and Bliss an utter and complete JOY in my life!

Peace out,

And don't forget to enter my giveaway if you haven't already!! You have 3 days left!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Tuesday Twitters

All of a sudden, Tuesdays come really, really fast…how do people do this everyday?

I hammered nails into my kitchen wall in order to hang pots from them because I have no room left in my cabinets. Hubby said I didn’t hit any studs. Well, if a pan falls off the wall it sure will! (rar!)

I have been working out for a month now and my body is like, “psh, so???”

My friend told me that she tried to shred meat in her salad shooter, and I laughed so hard I fell over, and knew I just HAD to add it in my blog (thank you, Robin!)

You all need to enter my giveaway…what are you waiting for? An invitation?

Bob Ross was on PBS. I started to tell my kids how much I liked his show, and then I fell asleep.

I got MY Mother’s Day gifts out ON TIME and they are COOL and SAPPY and I will SO win brownie points…how about you? Eh?

Remember when I said I liked Joan Rivers? Well, I recant. I mean, I don’t dislike her, she just scares me. A lot.

I had a dream that included EVERY show I watched in one night. It included The Office (I was working there), Dancing with the Stars (Josh and I were stuck in a perpetual polka, which is strange by itself), the actual office I worked at years ago (ok, so not a show, but I was eating cake…?), Survivor (snakes were voting me out of The Office), and Hell’s Kitchen (I couldn’t get the John Dory, with egg, made right for the life of me!). It ended with Jim Halpert sitting next to me for lunch and me thinking, “what is he doing? Pam is gonna be SO mad!"

My daughter was upset and wrote a sign and stuck it on her door, it says, "kepA ote" which I think means, "keep out". So cute...

Man, if you’re wanting to violently beat your head against the wall because your kids aren’t listening to you and they are driving you to mental instability, read this post by my friend over at Sounds Like Tomatoes…you’ll feel much better, even if you are still ready to be committed.

And what the hey ya'all? Have you seen this lunacy? I mean, seriously? Special K with CHOCOLATE CHUNKS? Isn't this THE cereal, of all cereals, toted as THE cereal to go to when you need to fit into that little black dress by like, yesterday?! Now they're putting CHOCOLATE in it? I don't know whether to kiss them or slap them! I mean, seriously, which product rep thought this up, and how did they convince Kellogg's that this was a great idea? It's called, "Chocolate Delight". What's so light about it, huh? It's cereal for adults who want to be healthy and lose weight, WITH FRIGGIN CHUNKS OF CHOCOLATE, THE STUFF I AM TRYING TO STAY AWAY FROM!! What's next? Lard in your Quaker Oats? Corn Syrup in your Crystal Light? Will whipping cream be the new yogurt? SERIOUSLY PEOPLE??!!!

Suddenly my hubby wants to play pool all the time. Why, you ask? Oh...well, you must have missed that post…

Monday, May 4, 2009

Billiards Leads to Pregnancy

So I walked the kiddos down to the clubhouse today to play some pool, since I had promised my son a game on a rainy day, and because I found him crawling around on the ceiling this morning from a build up of eight-year-old boredom. Once we got there, Audge, my daughter, plopped down on the big sofa, and promptly took off her shoes and socks, while I found a show on the flat screen for her to watch. Jacob set up the pool table, and we started our game.

I am still perplexed as to why my mind would drift to the thought of how suggestive a game of pool could be, especially while I was trying to stop my son from eating the cue ball chalk, and from putting holes in the walls with the cue stick he was swinging around like a frantic ninja. Not to mention, Barney was blaring in the background…

But sure enough it did. I think it started when I was remembering my social life, pre-kids, and how one of the things my hubby and I would do was go play pool together. It didn’t happen often but man, now that we barely do ANYTHING alone outside of using the toilet, suddenly the euphemisms and nature of the game itself make me think we should just play pool for our anniversary in a couple of weeks since it’s free, and because it will serve as a great primary mood setter. Think about it…

You’re playing a game with um…sticks, and balls...

Your “junk” in the front (if you’re wearing a low cut shirt) and trunk are constantly on display as you bend over to hit a ball (sheesh, this “sport” was SO invented by a man!)

We all have to admit that when we play pool, we kinda feel like a sultry, smoldering hottie, don't we? And, we pose and saunter around like alley cats, giving sideways glances, winks,and grins as we hit the cue ball pass the other balls and right into a pocket…

You’re much more likely to have a pool table in your house than a butcher block, and c’mon now, we have seen what can happen with just a butcher block…maybe that is supposed to be like, a temperature raiser, but EWWWW HELLO!!! E-coli and salmonella!?!?! SO not alluring! Pool tables are cleaner, and bigger, and softer…

If your have trouble with your form, your significant other will fight off a swarm of angry bees to get over to you to uh, “help you out” by moving in as close as possible behind you…

In fact, now that I think about it, I can think of 15 families (well two, at the very least) I know who had pool tables, and they had 4 or more kids…coincidence? Search your mind, do YOU have a pool table? Do YOU have more than 4 kids? What about your friends? Sure, now the pool table serves as an actual game for the kids to play once the parents are tired and old and have no real need for a social life, but still, what came first, the kids or the pool table? Or, how many MORE kids came AFTER the pool table? Now when I see large families, I will think it’s because they have a pool table…I am SO not getting a pool table! Now a butcher block on the other hand...

PS sorry this post was so bad, it was a quickie...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

*GIVEAWAY IS NOW OVER* I'm a Supa Hot Mama so I SO Deserve to Win this Etsy Giveaway!

Not only is this my 103rd post (yeah I totally missed my 100th, what was I thinking? So I am doing a little happy dance with my big toe, happy over the 100th mark to me!) but this is also my fantastic I'M A SUPA HOT MAMA, SO I SO DESERVE TO WIN THIS ETSY GIVEAWAY giveaway!! (pant! pant!)

OK, so you want to know what am I giving away? Well, I am partnering again with my longtime pal Joni Marie of Avalee, who makes beautiful, hand-made jewelry in my home state of Alaska, to giveaway these fantastically awesome earrings!

Her work is amazing, and she has an impressive inventory of a wide variety of earrings, scrabble tile pendants, glass pendants, bridal jewelry, matching sets and even childrens' pendants!

OK now, don't get all distracted by the young neck and red hair that didn't come out of a bottle, which, I know, makes you all insanely jealous, but focus instead on the bright lemon yellow, awesome retro, metal-etched earrings! I don't know about you, but these hotties, paired with a summer dress and a tan, or your favorite jeans and heels, or your pajamas, would look scrumptious, wouldn't they? You all better be happy I can't wear earrings, because I would be keeping these for myself!

OK enough chit chat I know you want these in a bad way, so, here are the rules:


1. Visit Avalee on etsy, and come back HERE and TELL ME what you liked, leaving me a safe way to contact you.

And then...

THESE ACTIONS AND COMMENTS ARE OPTIONAL AND COUNT FOR ONE ENTRY EACH (in separate comment form, not put together in one posted comment)!

1. Tell me what is great about being a mommy, or an aunt, or uncle, or cousin, OR what is great about your mommy, OR what you look forward to when you become a mommy...

2. Blog about this giveaway, with a link to it, come back and comment with the link for me to see it.

3. Grab my button and place it on your blog and tell me; if you already have my button, leave me a comment and tell me so I know!

4. Follow me and tell me that you are, and that I am hysterical! Or, if you're already following me, tell me I'm a tad off my game and that you expect much, much more from me.


So WOOOHOOO! You have FIVE chances to win earrings that will brighten your style and your day!

This giveaway ends on Mother's Day, May 10th, at 12:00pm EST.

The winner will be chosen by our faithful and unbiased Random Number Generator, though RNG hasn't given me any breaks in any of the giveaways I have entered recently...

I hope you win! (and by you I mean, you.) Go enter now!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Have You Ever Had One of Those Days...

...when you find a great new zit cream, slather it all over your face, and wake up with two new, BIG zits on your chin?

...when you are truly disturbed that your right foot is wider than your left, and you don’t know why you are disturbed OR why it’s wider?

...when you confess your fear of Black Widows and someone comes along and says, “oh no, it’s the Brown Recluse you have to be afraid of. They hide in your bed and melt your flesh!”

...when you work out and eat well for three weeks and GAIN a pound?

...when you have gas, but you’re with “company” so you do your best to hold it in, and it like, does this weird explosion in your gut, and a sound comes from inside your stomach that is clearly not a tummy growl, but is possibly some sort of medical emergency, as you grab your midsection and say, “oh my, what was THAT?”

...when your blog temporarily goes down, and the error message says something about it not being “saved” and you totally freak out and start running around the house screaming and crying for 10 minutes, then think maybe this is a sign that you REALLY need to start cleaning the house, but then your blog starts working again and you are saved from vacuuming the walls?

...when there is nothing you can do about run-on sentences?

...when you are plagued by just one fruit fly? It’s like, no matter what you do, there is always ONE? You bleach and spray and clean and throw away all your fruit, yet, you set your juice down for one second and out of NOWHERE there it is, sitting on the edge of your glass, laughing at you?

...when you get the idea in your head, while playing with your kids, that you can still do a backbend, so you start to do one, but weird pains and fears overtake you, but you’re already half-way committed, so instead of falling on your head you manage to execute the backbend, and spend the next three days laying on the floor?

...when you have to call Property Management because the chick across the street keeps letting her pit bull run around freely and crap all over the place, but you don't want to because you are certain she'll know it's you, but you are scared of the pit bull and don't want to step in crap when you walk outside, but you have to because rule breaking like that drives you nuts? Yeah, I am about to call right now...I hope she doesn't read my blog!!!

Oh well...just watch this; you'll feel better!

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