Rack of Lamb is not Wack, and You Will Never Watch Finding Nemo the Same Way Again if you Listen to THIS!!!

So the bday party for hubby went fantastic my friends (even though I had to scrub pink silly string out of the carpet, and I have to figure out how to get the stains off the walls)! Here's the lamb side by side w/ yesterday's professional pic:

OK...so it's not as pretty, and totally disgusting to prepare but, it was awesome nonetheless, and Gordon Ramsay might have given me a blank stare for my efforts, which from him is like the equivalent of winning the Nobel Peace Prize er something. And the cake?

Well, remember I told you all I wasn't crafty!! And, if you're wondering why there are 2 pieces of cake on my plate, it's not because I am a hopeless glutton (ummmm) it's because they are actually from two different cakes, one made by the kids and one made by me. I will chronicle that next week w/ plenty of pictures...stay tuned...

So, since I am totally too exhausted to do well, anything, I want to suggest that you all check out the podcast I was a guest on this past Tuesday if you haven't had the chance. You won't hurt my feelings if you don't, but, Kelly might have something to say about it...anyway...podcasts are a totally fun way to get to know the bloggers around you better, and what joy to discover they are just as funny when they talk as when they write!

I'm not talking about me actually, I am talking about Kelly from SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB. Her pod casts are so fun to be a part of, and our birds and bees talk quickly shifted into Kelly talking in whale for about 10 minutes (I would rate this particular podcast at a slightly milder PG13 compared to most, ya know, in case there are kiddos around your computer). One thing is for sure, you will never, ever, watch Finding Nemo the same way again.



Seriously, I have listened to the podcast again three times, as has hubby, and now we walk around speaking whale. Not in public. It's more of an inside joke. So, if you have some time and feel like laughing, go here. And don't tell me I have a weird voice. That would hurt my feelings.

After Doing This 18 Times, I am Pretty Good at It Now...

So today is the hubby's birthday. I still vividly remember the first birthday I celebrated with him! Every moment! And, I got him this:

Please. It was 18 years ago. Don't ask me questions I cannot answer. I can't remember a thing. Um...

So these days we are older, more pragmatic (I think) and basically all about just eating some good food and relaxing. So today, I will clean up the house, the kids will make a cake that starts out looking like this:


Which I pray will end up looking like this:

And then I will roll up my sleeves, imagine that Gordon Ramsay is in the room with me, but that he has laryngitis and an over-abundance of benevolence, and I will attempt to make this:

Which will be enjoyed with some of this:

And later when the kids are asleep, we will enjoy some of this:


With a glass or two of this:

While we watch the latest epi of this:

And at 3 am I just might get up and have more of this:

Shhhh don't tell!


Yeah, it's simple. But it's bliss...

I Share With You Inspiration, Not Perspiration...

So, I openly admit I am not crafty (crafty in the crafting sense, I will leave my otherwise conniving bag to your judgment), I don't scrapbook or sew or make fantastically awesome holiday crafts of cuteness or anything like that. Well, I bake, make truffles...no wait so I am not crafty BUT...I do like a good deal, and trying to figure out how to save money. See? By my not crafting I save money automatically!

Anyway...just thought I would whip out that tiny thread of serious domestic DNA in my otherwise droll body and share with yous guys some of my totally original, no-one-ever-thought-of, AMAZING and totally true and the greatest money-saving tips EVER! *cue awesome fanfare*

Milk: Milk does a body good, but it drop kicks and plants a sharp elbow in your budget, especially if you're buying organic, and especially if you have a growing boy in the house, and especially if you like an afternoon latte made on your fancy home espresso machine...wait.

OK so milk. To make your milk last longer, buy whole milk and add water to it! Yes! Pour half of what you would normally drink/use, and add water to the rest. You get two gallons for the price of one and you automatically reduce the fat! And, by the way, all you IBS suffererererers, you can digest whole milk easier than 1% or non-fat. Just sayin' because I know...

And juice! Sheesh, really good juice can be expensive too, especially if you're trying to avoid colored sugar water masquerading as a juice cocktail chocked full of "vitamin C". What I like to do is first, get a coupon for REAL juice, like a nice concord grape juice, which packs a true nutritional punch, and then buy a store brand real apple juice along with it, and mix the two together. While water would be cheaper, the truth is you can't tell any difference in the taste, and you're still saving money if juice is popular in your house. Apple juice can be mixed with any real juice yet not ruin the flavor.

Coupons! This may be old news for some, but I bet a lot of you don't actually put this little money-saving tip into practice like you should be. I use a site called The Coupon Clippers. I totally love them. A SAHM and some of her family members started this lil' business of clipping, and now they're a big fancy on-line business and I love them. Go check them out, and better yet, since they often have a limit of 5 coupons per item order, you can get in on it with a friend and split the coupons and clipping fees (which are VERY small!).

And they have great coupons guys, not just for random stuff you never buy. I have read about people buying $900 worth of groceries and only spending $200, but, I don't want 30 boxes of Hotpockets or 25 Bic pens, OK? I don't use coupons just to use them. But, I just shaved $47 off my grocery bill and I bought all organic/free range milk, eggs, meat, chicken AND fruit! Not that I had coupons for all of that stuff, but, the other coupons allowed me to get those things which I would otherwise pass up on.

Annnnnnd, many large grocery chains will have double coupon days, which means they will automatically double any coupon that is 50 cents or less. Check with your favorite grocery store for their in-store deals and their coupon policies. Imagine if you could save $50 every time you go shopping, still buying everything you want/need. SQUEEEEEEEE!

And my last tip? Learn to make your own pizza! When we moved and changed our lifestyle, we realized that our weekly purchase of pizza was out of the budget, seeing as we spent about $40 a week just on pizza! So, my hubby, who is uh-ma-zing (let's just get that out there right now), makes his own dough (and he doesn't even need to throw it in the air, which is good because the ceiling in the kitchen is only 7 feet high) and we buy all our own ingredients. We have figured out that with buying all the ingredients bulk, the cost for a "pizza" night for our family is about $6. Yes. six.dollars.per.pizza.night.

See? AND, he makes awesome bread, cinnamon rolls, bagels and pretzels. No, you can't borrow him. Well, let me think about that...yeah. No.

So, if you tend to go out weekly or order in for pizza, or Chinese, or whatever your fave is, consider learning how to make it at home. We have pizza every Friday night, and it is such a treat! You can even have your family get in on the baking process! We went ahead and invested in a pizza stone and pizza peel and it was totally worth it.

And there you have it folks. It don't get much more domestic than that for me so, relish it, and, find a coupon for relish. And use it. The end.

I Think I Write Better than I Speak...We'll Know Tomorrow for Sure!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND commence heaving.

No, I am not here to announce that I am preggers (sorry Surferwife, I know you were hoping to be the Godmother of my third child). I didn't even heave with either pregnancy. I'm not trying to brag, just saying...

So TOMORROW if all/some/a few of you have nothing going on at 12 pm EST, maybe you should tune-in to a pod cast. Why? Well, it's because I will be the guest blogger/speaker/guest, person! *Blink blink*. Yeah. That's what I am thinking...

But, Kelly of SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB must think I am not too much of a weirdo, or an embarrassment, because she is letting me on her totally fun weekly pod cast where she features bloggers and talks about such things as the Cav's Lebron James (you better learn who that is fast! Hurry! Google him!!!) current news topics, blog trends, anecdotal-cathartic thingamabobisms on life, and hysterical stories based on blog posts and whatever else comes to mind within a 30-minute span. If it all goes right, we will be just short of presenting to you a major train wreck. Not because of Kelly, but, because I have sweaty armpits and I can't talk well while hyper-ventilating...

We will be discussing such things as avoiding the sex talk with your children, botching the sex talk with your children, Sir David Attenborough, and I'll be sharing a little story about how Sir David Attenborough ruined my life and caused me to hide in the air conditioning unit, wanting to curl into a ball and disappear. Or maybe it was the whale...

And Kelly is fly, man. She's on her game, epigrammatic, full of quips and ready with the ever-fitting sound effect machine, her witty little finger poised to press the right button at the right moment. My armpits are sweaty even now just thinking about it!

So, if you're around, call in! Chat with us! It will be awesome! Go here tomorrow to find out when and how to call in and then here to do so. If you can't listen because you're not available (which may or may not be a blessing in disguise) you can listen later on, again go here to get the information.

Wish me luck y'all! I need it!!!

Sharing Love, and Warning of a Special Announcement...

Oh happy happy love love! The cloud of Valentine's Day has vanished, as has all the chocolate in the house, but, let's celebrate with something that is calorie free, are ya game? OK then, let's celebrate!

I was recently handed some great awards and so it's time to pass them on. DON'T STOP READING! Check out my disclaimer:

I know some bloggers are all poo poo on the awards thing now, so, this video is for you, because I love you all and want you to laugh with me and I haven't forgotten you don't like awards. So after watching this video you can stop reading and come back on Monday. I'll let you...



Now for the rest of us...onto the awards...there are a few of them y'all so, pay attention!

This first award was the last one to be awarded by Kelly of SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB. Kelly is the bomb-diggady doo I tell you. If you ever needed someone to save you from shadows in alleyways, fast-food cashiers, or contemptuous lunch ladies, Kelly is the Mac Daddy for you! (I don't know what that means.) And, she does podcasts too. She is pretty awesome man. That is why I was all honored and misty-eyed when she gave me the last award she will ever bestow on anyone. Ever. For now.

Nooooooooo I didn't make this myself she really gave it to me! And now here are some blogs made of total awesome that I must give this award to. And they are:

Domestic Dork. If she is a domestic dork, then I am a domestic nimrod. Awesome!

A Day in the Life of a Suferwife. Her recent post on an encounter with Cindy Crawford was just awesome dude! She also calls me Insantlyslim, which is just aweeeeeesome!

For Love or Funny. Lynn is so sweet and awesome and I love her photos and poignancy and her dog. I really really REALLY want to kidnap her dog and just mush her face repeatedly in my hands while saying something like, "schooobydooodooboodoodoo!" Don't worry she knows this. It's all awesome.

Here is the next award:

This award was given to me by a friend of 18 years and she is the author of E3P2S, a blog full of fantastic fashion, deep commentary and a general glow of love and light-hearted fun (and, if you love Star Trek, check out her The Warp Project blog, it is awesome!). For most of those years we were busy growing up and becoming adults, and basically lost touch, but friendship has come full circle from being cohorts in newspaper class to old buds here in Bloggyworld! This award is for bloggers who simply dazzle the reader as their posts come alive with hysterical or thought-provoking words, images and ideas. They are often setting (or breaking!) the trends, cannot be duplicated, and are followed loyally.

This award goes to:

A Fabulously Good Life. She digs deep man, and always brings up gold. She is dang funny too!

E3P2S. Yep, giving it right back, you deserve it!

Much More than Mommy. She is much more, and she has exploded into a wonderful song and dance in Bloggyworld. But she won't watch The Office. That totally infuriates me!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!! <--- yes that was purposeful.

Wendiwinn. She gets this award because she takes what is mirco to macro, and because of her ability to beautify not only her own blog but the blogs of others, adding a piece of her wonderfulness to all she touches. Gag.

Now THIS award was given to me by Much More than Mommy, which is really nice because I nearly caused her to choke to death while she was reading my computer cord post.

This award is for the bloggers who cause you to, obviously, pee your pants, spit coffee onto your laptop and ruin it, soil your undies, ROTFL or LOL or LMAO whatever those acronyms are. I don't use them. I prefer to say things like, "hahahhahaha! That was funny man!" Anyway, here are the recipients of this award:

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB. I remember the day I found her blog and was all, whoa. She's speaking, and I am listening, and laughing. You should too. Go. Now!

The Creative Junkie. I am not afraid to say she is one of the best blog writers out there right now, because I am sure all who read her would agree with me, including her. She's not braggy or anything, I would just think she knows what I am talking about since she writes it all...

Hey Lola. She does not post nearly enough, but saving the world from mutant octopi, with her imaginary FBI agent baby, is time-consuming I am sure. I squeal when I see a new post to read!

Sounds Like Tomatoes. If you like nostril hair, Edward Cullen pocket dolls that are brought to life, and shameless confessions written in list form, then she is for you!

And this last award, the Sunshine Award, also from Much More than Mommy, goes to all on my blog roll and "my homies" button display. No, this is not a cop-out! As I have always said, you're all there for a reason and I sincerely try to get to and read every post and comment. You are all the buffet of my morning reading and you all add so much to this hobby I enjoy with all my heart! Happy love sap sap!


And, stop by Monday for a special announcement that makes my pits sweat and makes me wanna hurl. Oh aren't you all just filled with curiosity-ness!!!

Peace out y'all!

It's All Fun and Games Until You Get Cat Poop in your Eye!!

No matter how hard I try, I just ain't the cool mom.

And by cool I don't mean the mom with the freshly did highlights/lowlights, Bailey Button Bomber Uggs and a Red Bull, sitting with her Ipad at the park, but cool as in the mom who is calm, cool and collected, and doesn't scream things to her kids at the park like,

-"ACK! Don't climb that tree you'll break your leg and get gangrene!"

-"NOOOOOOOOO!! Don't sit there, I see bird poopie everywhere! Birds are EVIL!"

-"HEY!! What did I say??? Don't eat anything!"

-"Don't touch that! You need hand sanitizer!!! Yes! drink it!"

-"Yo' mister...don't act like that, now FIND YOUR SISTER AND PLAY WITH HER AND STAY WITH HER...I NEED TO SEE YOUR RED SHIRTS MORE CLEARLY!"

-"WHOA! Don't touch that leaf! It could be totally poisonous!"

-"FOR THE LOVE don't go near that squirrel! It has rabies or scabies or plague!"

-"I don't care where the swings are, I am sitting right here so don't go anywhere I can't see you without turning my head!"

-"In fact, don't run, don't play, don't look, don't stand in the sun!"

-Don't Don't Don't DON'T!

OK maybe it's not that bad, but, I haven't followed any parents, dragging their kids to their cars, to see if they mutter anything about the crazy woman who drove their family out of the park with her constant screaming and irrational parenting skills...more than once.

Anyway.

It never pays off to let go and let my kids be "kids".

No. It doesn't.

Like, when Jacob found broken glass and cut his fingers...Audrey started picking up bees, Jacob watched a friend eat a band aid, Audrey fell 4 feet to the ground from the monkey bars straight onto her tailbone, and she ate a berry that Poison Control could barely identify. See? The minute I try to let them go a little...

And you KNOW it's never good when they are alone anywhere, especially in the house, totally quiet...like the time I caught them under the bed eating Styrofoam, or drawing mustaches on their faces with permanent marker, which lasted no less than 3 days...

Nope. I gotta be on them like a nose on a face. Always.

Not too long ago I was with my friends and all the kids at the school grounds. I was actually back home visiting, so the whole play date thing was a blast and I was totally loving hanging with my best girlfriends and their kids. We had a lot to catch up on, thus a lot to talk about.

So when the kids all ran off and squatted next to the school wall looking at the ground, I didn't think much of it, and figured they had found ants or marbles or something that would keep their interest for about 30 seconds before they ran off to do something else, so, after a few sideways glances and assurance from my friends that I didn't need to scream anything in their direction, I just decided to be cool.

About 2 minutes later, I couldn't help but look over, and I saw the kids dumping what looked like sand on each other's heads. For me this was an appropriate reason to step in because really, I was only guessing it was sand, because suddenly I remembered one of the kids yelling, "hey, look at all these blue rocks!" just a few seconds earlier. Blue rocks??

By the time my friends and I got over to them, all the kids had taken turns dumping the blue rocks and sand on each other's heads. Blue rocks and sand that were supposed to absorb odors. And urine. Cat urine.

How do I know this?

1. I owned cats.
2. I know what cat litter looks like.
3. I know what cat poop looks like. Even when it's laying on a school playground.

Some WONDERFUL FANTASTIC PERSON decided to dump DIRTY CAT LITTER on the school grounds! And our kids were covered in it.

My first question was,

"DIDN'T ANY OF YOU SEE THAT CAT POOP SITTING NEXT TO YOU??"

Sigh. Never before had I thought to warn my kids of cat poop.

Suffice to say we did our best to pick what we could out of our kids' hair before gagging and crying and running through any ideas of diseases we might encounter as we lined our car seats and prepared for the waaaaaaaay too long of a drive home to decontaminate our children. I did manage to say in between my moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth, "I knew I should have jumped in with my mad, irrational parenting skills!!"

I am completely justified, right? RIGHT???

Can You Still Be a Superhero if you Can't Get the Spandex Suit On?

So all weekend I have been stuck in the house due to snot and snow and I have been subjected to this (please watch so you will understand):



My son plays the opening credits to Astroboy about 8,922 times a day, and while this minute-long song is assaulting my brain, he ricochets off every surface in the house in a wild ninja/robot/warrior fashion without the slightest regard for anyone else in his proximity, meaning his foot could make contact with your nose at any time, or he might create a new cup holder...in the wall...and while I love having new random places to set my tea, I am overly disturbed by this cartoon series he is obsessed with. It's just weird.

But you know what? I totally love that he has no idea I am sitting here watching him save the world, honing his mad fighting skills while he stands against invisible mad scientists who are trying to wipe out an entire generation of feeling, thinking, AI robots who are his closest friends. The boy saves the world every day with wild abandon and I LOVE it!

But see I am really good at pretending I don't see him, or hear him, or care that his foot is in my face. Because seriously how much longer am I gonna be privy to his imagination? How much longer will I get to listen to his monologues, or watch him sneak around corners, attacking the air? Pretty soon he will be embarrassed around me and of me, and he will lock himself in his room playing video games, while I stand outside the door asking, "what are you doing in there? Wanna watch Astroboy?" To which I will hear, "Astroboy is for babies, leave me alone!"

SOB!

But there is another reason I love this so phase so much and shhhhh...I'll share the secret with you if you're really, REALLY quiet and don't tell anyone else ever! Ready?? Here it is:

I sometimes still pretend I am a superhero too...

Well, just because I'm 35 and have weak ankles doesn't mean I have given up MY imaginary world of superhero awesomeness. It's fun to pretend I could blast any bad guy away and break some windpipes with my fists and totally save the world from death and destruction while looking smoking hot and wearing 4 inch heels! In the past 10 years I have imagined I was this person:

And honestly I am not sure if it's because of the gorgeous black leather outfit, or because she can wield two gigantor guns in such a way that would make Dirty Harry curl up in a ball and cry. I, however, cannot; the one and only time I shot a gun, I first stood there for 20 minutes looking at the target with tears in my eyes clutching the 22 while Josh explained, gently coaching me, "hon, you can't let go of the gun until you fire it, those are the rules in a shooting range!" yet I just stood there shaking and feeling like an idiot until I shot it and then immediately dropped it due to the itty bitty recoil. Then I felt like a bigger idiot.

Then there was her:

Again, not sure if it's due to the fantabulous wardrobe, the chance to fight pirate zombies, or, um, what...

...


Can you think of any other reason? Yeah, neither can I...

And then with the Battle Cry, "I AM NO MAN!" I SO pretended I was her:

Audrey's new hero by the way, which is so cool because Audrey means, "noble strength". I now have the needed constitution to kill spiders, thanks to Eowyn.

And lately, if I am feeling particularly superhero-ish, I pretend I am her:

Ever since Liquid Television popped up in the early 1990's, and I saw Aeon catch a fly in her eyelashes I thought man, her outfit is downright scary and I am not too sure if I can make my hair do that or that I would really want a fly that close to my eyeball but DANG! She dies in every episode and then is back to seek her revenge in the next episode with nary a bruise or having a serious wardrobe malfunction!

I suppose this escape to superhero-ness is just my creative way of looking through the Lens of Life where I save the family from the lack of clean underwear, starvation, solicitation calls at dinner time, and sinks full of nasty crusty dishes...in a fun and dramatic way.

In fact, I even have my own superhero theme song. Wanna hear it? This is it.



If you listen to this song while house cleaning, your whole house will be sparkling clean in 3 minutes and 38 seconds flat. I LOVE this song! In fact I love her hair...maybe I want to be her today and be an awesome lead singer of a British band...I'll work this out in the shower later...

So now that I have dared to be uber vulnerable and shared a deep dark secret with you all, you are now legally and morally obligated to tell me if you pretend to be a superhero as well, so I don't feel all weird and awkward in our now delicate and initmate relationship...got it?

Happy February 14th!!

My kid are at a fun age.

Well, all the ages have a special funness about them, of course, but, my kids are at the age where kissing is gross. And not just gross, but, run-from-the-room-screaming-covering-your-eyes-making-vomit-noises-while-asking, "WHYDOTHEYHAVETOBEKISSING??"-gross. I love it!

Now, mind you, they don't catch Kate and Sawyer playing tonsil tag or, "what did YOU eat for breakfast?" or anything like that, their eyes have been subjected to mostly closed-mouth cartoon kisses and a few movies like, The Princess Bride, Willow, and George of the Jungle (oh man I love that movie, seriously don't you?). But still, for whatever reason, they think this expression of love makes as much sense as licking a toilet bowl. You remember having all the same questions though, don't you? Like:

"What if their breath smells like rotten cabbage?"

"Did they floss and scrape every last bit of plaque and tartar off each tooth?"

"Wait, is that a piece of broccoli on their incisor?"

"Wait, don't other people have disgusting germs? Do I need vaccinations for this?"

"Should I drink some Purel before this moment?"

"OH MY GOODNESS WHAT ARE THEY DOING WITH THEIR TONGUE?" (Thankfully we are no where near this yet!)

OK so, maybe those were just my questions...of which none were pointed at the hubby. Ever. Moving on...

Anyway, love escapes them, but they are in the season of like; they have experienced like already, and even considered some others "cute" and "nice" but nothing serious that would force me to lock them into a closet (my closets don't even have locks) so for now I can refrain from running around, clutching my heart while screaming, "THEREISNOWAYMYCHILDISKISSINGANYONEUNTILTHEYARE32YEARSOLD!"

Is that hard to read?

Of course I don't mind the kiddos seeing me and hubby share a peck or a long embrace, which they eventually try to disrupt by prying us apart to get in the middle, but I do hope the hormones lie dormant for at least 20 10 more years and cupid's arrow doesn't hit until I am ready because really, it's all about me anyway. Sheesh.

But now that I am older. I can, and do, appreciate a really good kiss. And I really hope my kids both experience a first kiss that blows their socks off! And not because they found some hot, popular pair of lips who thinks they are hot, but because the person they found is genuine and KNOWS them and really feels warmth and compassion and care for them. Even for something as little as a kiss. Because then it means so, so much more. As it should.

And so with that I share with you all my most favorite movie kiss, because to me it embodies everything experienced in a teen's first kiss. Now, disclaimer here, I do NOT like chick flick movies. You will not find Twilight in my house, or a crumpled up movie ticket next to a crumpled up used tissue for Dear John in my purse, nor can I discuss The Notebook with you because I haven't seen it, and if you say the name Meg Ryan in my proximity I might give you a real cantankerous look and gag a little. BUT, don't you mess with John Hughes man, he got it RIGHT, he knew how to portray a kiss that "kills".

Man I cannot WAIT until my kids are old enough to watch these movies with me!

So, even if you hate PDA or Valentine's Day or John Hughes, (don't you DARE tell me if you do) but you have someone in your life who fits the bill for a smooch, then brush your teeth and give them a Hollywood-style one tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. Then go do some laundry.

FANTASTIC FLASHBACK FRIDAY FUNNESS!

Sigh.

I am snotting all over the place AGAIN people!!! Why? WHY???

Anyway, it's time for, you know what...

FANTASTIC FLASHBACK FRIDAY FUNNESS!!

And no screaming cat today; today you get hand sanitizer, lest you accuse me of giving you a cold as you cop a squat here on my blog to read you some funny...

So here it is y'all, another blog post that missed out on being read by the world, back in the day (except for wendiwinn, thank you, and I know you'll read it again, because redux is way better. I make it that way, because I do what I want).

Chasing an 8-Month-Old

I am so so SO sick of celebrity moms. So why the why do I read People Magazine on-line? WHY? What is wrong with me people? Seriously! Do I have NOTHING better to do with my life?

OK ok...for now I will put the self-loathing aside and ponder the mystery of celebrity moms and how it's "cool" to be mega preggers and then stick thin all within a few short weeks. (This could be PMS talking so, excuse me while I rant.)

But seriously if I read another article about how these women stay fit by skipping meals and “chasing their 8-month-old around” I am simply going to explode into tiny radio-active pieces all over my apartment living room floor.

OK, so I don’t HAVE to read the articles, but, are you kidding me? I not only chase, but I follow, I lead, I tend to, I wrestle with AND I clean up after two kids every.single.day. I should then be the skinniest, fittest person on the planet! We ALL should be!

Who doesn’t chase their kid(s) around? What mom gets breakfast, let a lone a full meal, at ANY time? And yeah, chasing an 8-month-old around…well, none of them have been delusional enough to actually say that in a sentence about a baby that is still crawling, maybe they mean they’re chasing their target weight on treadmills...

Besides, I am sure their publicists are checking every word that comes out of their food-deprived mouths, BUT there have been about three celebs now who have babies, about that age, who have blurted out that they keep in shape by chasing their kid around...even though the baby is, yeah, an 8-month-old. Oh yeah. I did the math. I may not count calories, but I can count backwards...

Do you all remember having an 8-month-old? I ask you, was he flying around the house at mock-2 speeds? Was baby a blur for over half of the day because he was whipping around the house, and not because you were sleep deprived? Did you resort to nets and traps just to catch him? Were you truly chasing him so much that you said, “wow! Forget exercising today! I chased my 8-month-old ALL DAY and I think I burned 1850 calories (because they fly through the house at such high velocities that you must be in the best shape to keep up). Thank goodness I don’t need any food to keep going!!”

For the ones who are honest, I give kudos, as they admit they have that baby, hire 800 nannies, and then work out three hours a day while being served 2 ounces of poached salmon and spinach three times a day by their personal chef! My “mommy ritual”? I stagger (because staggering burns more calories than walking) out of bed, make my coffee, and eat a cookie. Where is my nanny?

Anyway, whether it is the hard work and help, or the constant chasing for those who have the "cyclone babies", they in fact lose all their baby weight in about three weeks, just in time for their glamorous papped, “postbaby” award ceremonies, movie premieres, or charity events. And, just in case they don’t, airbrushing and Photo-shopped photos take care of those last few pounds, stretch marks, and (GASP!) cellulite. But while chomping at the bit for their first mommy-baby magazine cover, what do they ALL inevitably end up saying anyway? “Oh, you know, I just keep in shape by chasing my kid around all day.”

BLARGING CRIPES where’s my cookie??

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DI-ER, UM, OF SOAPS!

WOOOOHOOOO WE HAVE A WINNAHHHHH!

Miss Kara Annis please accept your prize! The RNG picked you to be the winner of the 2 Juicy Ruby Red Grapefruit Valentine Heart Conversation Shea Butter soaps from So Stinking Sweet! Obviously, you smelled the worst. OK just kidding...RNG is random, it can't smell anything.

Contact me by 2/12, Kara, or someone else might get their grimy, lovey hands on your prize!

Thanks to all who entered, and I am terribly sorry you all didn't win, but that's simply impossible. So! Give a shout out to Kara, and I hope to see you all at my next fantastic giveaway! Hugs and high-fives to all!

Insanity Monday: Toilet Paper

OK, first, my apologies for writing a post such as this (unless you like it, then I am totally not sorry) but, look at this!

That's some HUGE toilet paper!

Consumerism at its best. Or, sad necessity?

Isn't it just, HUGE? It's like toilet paper on 'roids! Steroids that is...

This roll might not be necessary for someone with roids...

They need lots of fiber first.

THEN they would need this roll. And some prayer.

Man, that is so HUGE! I saw the pack of 6 and I was all, I have to buy these! I have never seen anything like it! I wonder if it will fit in the dispenser?

I haven't tried yet. I am still staring at it.

At first I thought my toilet would be scared of a roll like this. Then I realized my toilet is not scared of me so, why should it be afraid of a big roll of toilet paper?

Because for SURE I am going to use too much...

Way too much.

The amount of toilet paper you use directly correlates to the size of the roll, not necessarily the size of your excrement...

HUGE!

Now, I am sure you all have TV and have seen these colossal rolls on commercials somewhere but, I have not so don't tell me these have been around for like, two years or ask me, "where have you been kim, using an outhouse in Siberia?" because I bet you're all busy unplugging your toilets from using your colossal TP rolls...

Think back though to how efficient and practical these rolls would have been in HS.

Yeah, I know you're all green now and wouldn't TP a house and waste good wiping paper.

I wouldn't because I am a nice person. Er something. Maybe I was never invited to TP a house. Or maybe I am scared of the dark, or like, trees. I don't know.

But you all know, bigger is better! More is the way to go! Soon, toilet paper will be as big as this:



Until then watch this (thanks to Vanessa over at Much More Than Mommy. We bond over stuff like this...):

Writhing on the Floor Eating Carpet Fibers Gets You the Cord You Need!

OK, man...

So my computer cord BUSTED like, three days ago. And it was pure.hell. I mean it.

That cord. I unplugged and replugged it, took it apart, put it back together, blew on it, looked at it, smashed it against my fist, smashed it on the floor, then went up to hubby crying, "THE LAPTOP CORD IS TOTALLY BUSTED! AAAAAAAAAAACK!"

After trying every fancy troubleshooting technique that I did, he sprung into action. Forget his meetings, the deadlines on papers, students calling and emailing about the upcoming class simulation...he knew if he didn't handle this situation immediately he would have a wife who was barfing up a lung while riding the ceiling fan. He flew out of the house saying something to the effect of , "OKI'llgogetonerightnowbecauseIknowyoureallyneeditandIdon'twantyoutogetMAD!"

That's right man.

So he left. I wandered around the house. Thinking, should I clean? Talk to the kids? Clean? What the heck do I do?

I wimpered as I put a dish in the dishwasher and decided to start school with the kids. Man, I couldn't even set up the cool computer programs so I could like, sit around while they learned math. IT WAS TERRIBLE!

Then, Josh called.

Josh: "Um, they have a universal cord for $90 at Wal Mart."

ME: "WHAT? Is ANYTHING at Wal Mart $90? For serious? That is ridiculous! Dell does this on purpose you know. They make cheap crap on purpose so we have to buy it over and over and over again and it takes WEEKS to get anything replaced because you have to call some remote village on the Australian Coast to get it!"

Josh: "I'll check Best Buy."

I walked around the house, mumbling strange things. A dear friend finally called me, saving me from my plan to ride the ceiling fan, and she consoled me as we lamented what we could be typing about on IM at that very moment, had my stupid cord not busted.

So I did laundry.

Josh called back.

Josh: "They don't have them"

Me: "Oh of COURSE they don't have them! You know why? Dell is run by the Mafia! They are I tell you! They want to control all the Dell accessories to make sure I sell my soul to the Corleone Family, causing me to fall into a life of petty crime in order to satisfy my computer addiction!"

Josh: "The Corleone Family is fictional."

Me: "Yeah??? Well??? BLARGING CRIPES!"

Josh came home. My eyes were swollen from crying, the kids were eating chocolate chips and cutting out pictures from old Dell magazines, taping them to my forehead.

Josh called Dell directly.

Dell Representative: "This is Dell how can I help you?"

Josh: *whispering* "Help me. Please. Help me..."

Rep: "Excuse me? Are you there?"

Josh: "My wife...I'm scared. Please, help me."

Rep: "Sir, do you need to call 911?"

Josh: "I have them on the other line. Please. Send me a replacement cord. Hurry. Send it. Now!"

Rep: "Is the laptop under warranty?"

Josh: "Oh no. You're gonna make me talk to her?"

Rep: "Well, if it is, we can replace it for free." Josh slowly walked down the stairs to see me seething and chewing on carpet fibers.

Josh: "Hon, I need you to focus."

Me: *pulling out my eyelashes*

Josh: "When did we get this laptop? Was it less than a year ago? Because if so the cord is under warranty and-"

Me: "WHAT? How am I supposed to know when we got this laptop? Am I supposed to save receipts or something? It's a piece of crap stupid laptop anyway! They don't care about me! They just make stupid dumb crappy cords that can't even last a friggin' year and they KNOW it! Don't they know I haven't posted to my blog in three days, my giveaway needs attention, my FB page status is like from the 1980's, my IM friends have moved on, declaring me MIA, and I even miss Twitter! MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Josh: "Would you say it was around March of last year?"

Me: *sigh* Sure.

Josh disappeared as I found myself desperately wanting to tweet about this devastating turn of events, and I don't even friggin' tweet!

Josh returned from the phone call to find me actually hanging from the ceiling fan.

Josh: "OK it's ordered. Please get down."

Me: "When is it coming?"

Josh: "Um not sure, the guy didn't know." *packing things quickly to make a life-saving escape from the house*

Me: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Is it two days? Two weeks? TWO YEARS! FRIGGIN' FRACK FOR THE LOVE! Why didn't he know??? How could he NOT KNOW? He is a LIAR! Didn't you tell him this was an emergency? Do they really want me to slam them all over the internet in two years when I get my cord? I bet they know. I am never getting that cord! Dell is SO STUPID! I CANNOT GO ON!!!!" *banging head on sharp objects*

Josh left to move on with the day while I spent the day running up and down the stairs to check our big computer in between dealing with my kids, crying in the bathroom and toying with the idea of buying a Mac. Life hadn't been that hard in a long while.

But guess what? The cord came the NEXT DAY! And even though we weren't able to produce a receipt proving the cord was under warranty they honored it anyway.

I love Dell. They are awesome.

A Valentine's Day Giveaway Full of Hugs and Loves that are So Stinking Sweet You'll Want to Scream!

THIS GIVEAWAY IS CLOSED

Ohhhhhhhhh joy! It's February and luuuuuuuuv is in the air! Actually, the smell of chocolate is in the air, and it is taking everything I have within me to NOT buy those heart-shaped boxes full of chocolates at Rite Aid, and walk right outside those automatic doors, and swallow all 40 of them whole, tossing the box in the garbage can next to me. Especially when they are 50% off.

Anyway...

What better gift is there to give yourself (or someone else who is addicted to 50% off Rite Aid chocolates) then, if you're desperately trying to hold to your New Year's Resolution of no longer inhaling chocolates (boooo!) than SOAP! And not just any soap...

So Stinking Sweet on Etsy has graciously agreed to again hold a giveaway on my lil' blog! Her soaps are, well, SO Stinking SWEET! I love them!

Just look at those wonderful concoctions of cleanliness! Click on them and learn about all of her soaps!! Soaps made with the highest quality ingredients, including goats milk, and even vegan soap! Soap for everyone!! And she has body souffles and lip balms and perfumes and and and and YAY!!!!!!!!

Aren't you just rolling in dirt right now, getting all filthy, anxiously waiting to see what you get to wash off with if you win? Well, here it is!

OH YUM! The prize is a pair of Juicy Baby Ruby Red Grapefruit Valentine Heart Conversation Shea Butter Soaps! Say that 10 times fast!

And, not only is this soap as sweet as can be, it has BODY SAFE GLITTER in it, so you're all smelly good and sparkly pretty too! Gotta love the sparkly!

So let's get to it ya'll, here's how to enter and win you some Valentine's sweetness...

Mandatory entry:

-Visit So Stinking Sweet on Etsy and come back here, commenting with a link of your favorite item. (worth one entry)

The following are additional entries. Please leave each entry IN SEPARATE COMMENTS. Sorry for yelling, just want to be clear:

-Tell me your best (or worst) Valentine's Day gift ever (worth 1 entry).

-Tweet this giveaway! You can do this once per day until the end of the giveaway, leaving me a daily comment with the daily tweet link (worth 1 entry, per tweet, per day).

-Blog about this giveaway, come back here leaving me a comment with the link (worth 5 entries!)..

-Buy an item from So Stinking Sweet during this giveaway, and leave me a comment. Once it is verified you will be given credit (worth 10 entries!).

Oh man I wish I could enter!

This giveaway runs February 1st-10th, 2010. The winner will be selected via the Random Number Generator (RNG) on 2/10 at 12pm, EST. The winner has 2 days to contact me, and in the event that the winner is hiding in a corner, eating chocolates and therefor misses my e-mail, I will have the RGN choose a new winner. A great prize in your hot and chocolate-smudged hands before V-day! Woot!

AND check out my side bar for two other luscious giveaways happening at this very moment over at Sounds Like Tomatoes and Much More Than Mommy! You plan this right, you won't have to buy ANYTHING at all for Valentine's Day! WOOOOOT!

Good luck to you! I hope you win! And by you of COURSE I mean you!