Even When I Think I Have Nothing to Say...

So as I sit here with a ramekin full of Swedish Fish and a glass of Sangria, I realize I am a little blocked, not in the, “I need more fiber” way, but more in the, “where’s my funny?” way, which is maybe not uncommon but uncomfortable, nonetheless…

I guess I could talk about how my kids have barreled into this new phase of bugging the crazap out of each other, challenging me to not explode into tiny little pieces or to bang my head against the wall for some peace and quiet. I was gonna save this little nugget for my twitters, but I will divulge that today my son informed me that he and his sister have very different looking poop, hers being quite round and small, his being, well, long and large. This is totally going in another direction so let’s move on…

I surmise that mentioning Swine Flu would be a big winner, and I could confess that I am scared that our flights to Alaska will be canceled next month, and if they aren’t, I will need to know where can I buy hazmat suits for us to wear on the plane. And if they don’t allow that, then I need to know if it’s safe to squirt hand sanitizer up my nose and in my eyes, and my families’ noses and eyes, and/or to bring Lysol, that is CLEARLY marked as Lysol, in my carry-on bag, to spray on the other passengers while I am checking their temperatures with my new digital ear thermometer. But nah…

What I really should do is thank some other amazing bloggers who have bestowed unto me some more wonderful peer awards, because that is fun and cool, and the kids are asleep. So I shall do that now.

Ahem.

This one is from Jennifer over at It's a Beauty Filled Life and I am very thankful for it!

This is to be given to the bloggers whom you visit everyday or every post, and who leave evidence that they visit you often as well! Now this can be somewhat hard to measure, especially if some people are shy to comment, but I can find some great bloggers to give this to who I know visit consistently and leave comments (often hysterical comments at that) for me to read. My BBBs are:

Winn at Wendiwinn (she likes stuff)
Kearsie at Sounds Like Tomatoes
Yoda-er I mean Beth at This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood
The Retired One at The Retirement Chronicles
Bantering Blonde
The Clay Muse
and of course Jennifer, who gave me this loverly award!


Now this one,
made by and from Jamie from Kids...Me and RAW III (look at the sparkly crown!) clearly points to how awe-summm I am, (see she is pointing up...to umm...that flower? my blog name?) and requires me to list 7 awe-summm things about myself, and then I must send this award off to other awe-summm bloggers. Thank you, Jamie! So, here goes:

1. I make FANTASTIC homemade chocolate truffles.

2. If I were challenged to a tickling match, I would win.

3. I recently set foot into the den of flesh-eating penguins and survived.

4. I have successfully homeschooled my kids for the past 3 years without doing any permanent damage...

5. I have seen the movie, The Breakfast Club over 26 times. On purpose.

6. I can paint a 12x12 room beautifully without taping off any part of the walls.

7. I can make blog buttons now and manipulate HTML enough to make me happy!

I know this seems lazy or whatever, but, if you are on my blogroll on the right, either in button form or post-link form, you get this award, because seriously I think you're awesome, and that's why you're there, so I can check on you all and glean from your awe-summmness, OK?

Awe-summmmmmmmm...

And last but not least, for sure, is this award:

This is from The Clay Muse, and I must say THANK YOU because right now, this is like, the funniest award I have ever received, and my favorite! Here is the criteria for winning this peer award:

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. "

I love the idea that someone would brave a chicken zombie apocalypse just to read my blog. I would assume that means they would have to scramble (heh heh get it? scramble?) past blood-thirsty chickens to an abandoned coffee shop that somehow still had a computer hooked up, that was running off of like, alien nuclear power, or coffee grounds, or something like that, because they remembered, from my last post, that I would have most likely survived because I am to be killed off my Godzilla, not zombies, therefore, in my lonely post-apocalyptic stupor I am still blogging because it's what I was "made to do".

So...

Again, how do I NOT give this to all the people I just mentioned, or to all the people I link to on my blog? You're all on here because I want you all here! So I am doing that, BUT, I am calling out one blogger in particular just for fun and just to see if she will see this...

Hey Lola!

Yeah, you...

I would brave zombie chickens (and flesh eating penguins) to read your blog. So would you please tell me a story about a zombie chicken apocalypse when you're done shredding your wedding dress and making a "vagillion" ruffles for it?

OK much love to all. I am way tired. Peace out.

Tuesday Twitters

We have adopted a mallard pair that now spends most of their time on our patio. The kids named them George Washington and Zelda. They are so sweet, and sleep in our shrubs and eat the bird food I have thrown out. But man, George can sure crap like an over-sized Chihuahua! Never thought I would be picking up my pet duck’s poop. Sheesh.

I think my face is sunburned.

I really need one of those extender-grabber-picker-upper-elongated-jaws-that-grab-stuff-thingies. I think that about half of my house is behind the washer and dryer, and I want it back.

I am about to take my elliptical training to the next level. I just want to know though, why I can burn 500 calories in a session and not see any change, yet eat Thanksgiving Dinner and immediately no longer fit in the pants I put on before I sat down. Why?

I scared all the parents at soccer, and probably ruined someone’s video. I didn’t mean to…

Ok yeah, my face is definitely sunburned.

I am going to have TWO great giveaways coming up VERY soon! Please enter, ok?

I have this strange need to watch Kung Pow! again soon…weeoo weeoo!

I think I might take too many quizzes on FB. So far I have learned that I am an over-dependent, red-headed Spanish-Korean, who wants to be Kim Kardashian, but instead I am a Fed-Up Princess Vampire named Putrid Shadow. I have the medical knowledge of a Consultant. I am a GENIUS, or at least as smart as a 5^th grader, and I should have majored in Political Science or Business, even though my life’s theme movie is, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. My love language is Time and Attention, and if I don’t get it I turn into a Volcano! By the way, I am a Bible Scholar, and I am so "airy" I should live in Nebraska. My eyes tell people that I am in love, I am the color Cornflower, and my natural eye color should be Yellow. I think that means I am a Smurf (Cheap Smurf actually), even thought I am REALLY Bugs Bunny dressed as Ariel. Wait…no…I am really a Pirate, and my name is Captian Soggy Beard of the pirate ship Rusty Bottom, and during the day people refer to me as the Hobbit Dudo Twofoot. Interestingly enough, the last few quizzes I took said I was normal and extremely honest and a GRAMMER MASTER, but really I’m more of a Jedi Master, Obi Wan Kenobi to be exact. In case you find my insanity addicting, I can be rented out for Easter parties, look me up under the name Nibbles Fluffypaws. In a pinch, I can also be Batman or Jason Bourne if bunnies aren’t your style. If zombies attack during the party, know that I will be the most likely person to survive , because I am also a DRAGON and I am supposed to die at the ripe old age of 110 when I am killed by Godzilla, not by zombies.

I think I am just gonna stop right here.

When Baby Penguins Attack

I am gonna try and keep this short ya’all, and instead show you some very GRAPHIC and SCARY footage…so be ready to be shocked and scared beyond comprehension.

Because see, I am slowly recovering from a serious and near fatal baby penguin attack, actually I am slowly recovering from several attacks from several baby penguins. I am seeking PTSD therapy and a lawyer at this time.

It all started when I came up with the idea of taking the kids to the Newport Aquarium to pet and interact with Penguins in a special exhibit that costs quite a bit of money. I figured this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and all that money we shelled out went to help the dwindling population of these docile, friendly creatures…

Creatures that FEED ON HUMAN FLESH!

Before we got into the Room of Torture, the mastermind-- er, trainer, for the penguins rattled off the rules, and I dutifully repeated them quietly to my kids in a threatening manner. Then, I completely forgot the rules and/ or threw them out the window when I sat down and the penguins repeatedly tried to rip off my leg flesh with furious intensity.

What was it about me? My extremely pale face and black jacket and shoes? Did I smell good, or, worse, BAD? Could they see my sparkly skin? Did they hear me say I hated the movie “Happy Feet”? Why could my six and 8-year-old stay WAAAAY more composed than I? (even though Jacob had his fair share of assault and battery).

It’s a wonder I didn’t get kicked out because of all my screaming, rule breaking, and ability to film it beautifully and artistically with my shiny "penguin attracting camera and it's strap", all while being chewed into hamburger meat. Please, take the 12 minutes required, of your precious time, and watch these riveting videos. Man, I think I still have the bruise from when the baby bit me in the second video. I still can’t wear shorts! (Well…there are many more reasons why I can’t wear shorts, but let’s just stick with penguin mauling for now). Enjoy the carnage!

Yum Yum Gum

So I talked about how my kids went to that fantastic dentist here recently, and how even though it was their first time they had no cavities and great looking teeth (because of my obsession with flossing and scrubbing). Well, while we were there, it came up somehow, that once they lived through a dentist appointment, they would be allowed to have gum. That is when the dentist said in a very staccato and poignant way, “you two are allowed to have as much sugarless gum as you want!”

Now stop here, hold the phone, or whatever electronic device you have. Um, I am the mom, right? And um…I don’t particularly love aspartame, so uh…why did you not consult me, dentistry person, before you promised my children such a ridiculous promise? And besides, I grew up CONSTANTLY chewing gum LOADED with sugar and I have not one cavity for you to fill! Aspartame, however, will make me throw up. See where I am going here?

So anyway, I was ready to go out and buy oodles of gum that would bring back nostalgic memories and allow us hours of fun blowing bubbles and picking it out of our hair and nostrils.

Uh…

Hey y’all…

Where did all the gum go?

Ya know, like Bubbalicious, Hubba Bubba, Bubble Yum, Double Bubble, Big League Chew, and Bazooka for the love of pete?? (Nah, chuck the Bazooka...the jokes weren't even good.)

‘Cause see, I was quite the collector and chewer of gum in the 80’s. I was a sort of pubescent, and cuter, Gollum, giggling as I obsessively counted each piece I had, stacking my treasure in hidden compartments in my room by flavor, size and number. I could never stick enough Big League Chew in my mouth either and man, watermelon gum just made my day that much better.

WHERE IS IT ALL??? Don’t you remember when the STORE had these items? Did all this gum disappear like the weight stats of models in Vogue and Cosmopolitan? (You don’t remember that you say? Well, I do!)

I mean, I see like bubblegum “tape” among shelves of Altoids and Orbit, and a bazillion different kinds of sugarless gum, but c’mon, where are the rows and rows of endless yummy gum I remember as a kid? Please don’t tell me hidden somewhere in Wal-Mart, I have already stayed up too late lamenting this loss and writing this post.

I have no idea how my son even figured out how to blow bubbles using two tiny sticks of Trident bubble flavored sugarless gum (yak!) That is a talent I never had to call upon because I actually had plenty of stretchy, flavorful, sugar-infused gum at my disposal that didn’t require my jaw be repositioned after chewing it for 30 minutes.

So tell me all, am I insane? (well, yes I know I am but…) Is there still gum out there that I remember, in the same packaging, flavors, and remarkably high sugar content? Are there kids still using peanut butter to get it out of their hair and their bedroom carpet, or cutting off big locks of hair when parents aren’t looking? Are there kids still the verge of choking every second because they have an entire Big League Chew pack in their mouth? For goodness sake how are dentists making any money these days? Do I ever need to go BACK to a dentist? WHERE IS THE FRIGGIN’ GUM??? Have I just been living under a rock all this time? Could someone please help me? What is happening to this country?

Great Educational Resource, Anyone??

So most of you know (I think) that I home school my kids. It was a decision based on the school we were originally zoned for, and, once I started, I realized it was the perfect fit for our family.

Of course, depending on where you live, and the support there, one can face rather significant challenges in making sure that your kids are not only socialized, but are getting a wide-range of experiences and academic exposure. I have a curriculum that I love, and many on-line sites that provide educational games and tools that allow my children to self-navigate and explore, all while learning rudimentary principles and concepts.

Recently I was given an opportunity via Sited and Blogged to review a math website called Dreambox. This site is a new online math game for kids that is especially a great fit for homeschooling. In fact, when I went to the site and signed up, I was impressed with the format AND that they have a “parent dashboard” where I can track my son’s progress. DreamBox Learning K-2 Math is different because it provides a fun and complete learning experience in an adventure game format, which includes different story-lines and characters such as dinosaurs, pirates, fairies and animals. DreamBox Learning uses an "in-depth, standards- based math curriculum", and features the "patented GuideRight™ technology", which "customizes all aspects of the lessons according to each child's learning behavior needs." This part of the curriculum is fantastic and I love seeing what concepts Jacob gets to skip over and how the program determines what he needs to work on.

To test it out, I simply turned up the volume on my computer, and sure enough, Jacob came running over to check it out. He practically pushed me out of the way, and without any prompting from me made his character, listened to the instructions and was on his way. Jacob is in second grade and virtually needed no help from me in navigating though the menu and choices, as it is all visually clear and includes voice direction as well. I didn’t tell him it was school or math related (heh heh). While the site recommends about 15-20 minutes per day, Jacob, on his own, does about 30-60 per day. He is highly motivated by the constant reinforcements the games provide, such as winning coins to use in the amusement park (which is his favorite part, ALSO cleverly disguised as skill building!). It’s so fun to watch him hoot and giggle as he gets through the actual math concepts that are generously peppered with fun characters and story lines.

Once he is done working on a segment for the day, I get an email summarizing his progress, and as he completes each segment he receives award certificates, which have his name, that can be printed out.

I check the dashboard after each session and also show him his progress. As the game develops he gets more involved and he asks everyday to play. And it’s MATH!!! Um, let me say that again, he is ASKING everyday to do MATH! *fell over on the floor just typing that*.

As a matter of fact, it’s time for him to do it now!

I highly recommend this program for anyone who homeschools, OR for anyone that wants their children to get away from the video games and play something educational and fun. Check out this site ASAP and sign up for their 2-week trial. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed!

Check it out here: http://www.dreambox.com and watch the videos here.

Featured in the New York Times, DreamBox is the next generation of online learning technology, and it's proving to be more effective than other kids' learning games. Sign up HERE for a free two-week trial today!

Tuesday Twitters

I was attacked by baby penguins this week. Oh yeah, you all will be hearing much, MUCH more about this very, VERY soon!!

I found these new Omega 3 Flax Seed cookies. And I am eating them.

Wasn’t that amazing?

Do you ever see your childrens' toy on the floor, and think it’s a bug crawling around? Then, do you ever see a bug and think it’s a toy? I don’t like these moments.

I think I might possibly have an addiction to fried chicken. And Oreos. That’s why I stuff myself with Flax Seed cookies.

My 8-year-old is begging me to let him drink coffee. Like a good mom I said no way! Then I remembered I was drinking a cup of joe every morning at age 9. For real.

Man I love coffee.

My daughter took a toilet paper roll, drew a face on it, named it Harry, said it was her son, and then she put it in "time out" with some other sorts of scary punishments I haven’t even HEARD of before! Should I be scared?

Could someone please tell me why, when I am using the elliptical like a madwoman and eating better, I have gained a pound instead of lost?

I just said addicted…doesn’t mean I am eating it…

I found a wood cockroach in the house. It was almost dead. Lovely...just as ugly, not as dirty, a little more crunchy, and nutty, in flavor...





We had to plug in our converter box this week and somehow lost PBS. I had PMS and I totally went ballistic and was all, “we must have PBS ASAP or the kids will go AWOL! Make it work STAT!!” And, we got it to work! TGIF! Um…couldn’t think of any more acronyms…

I have a HUGE underground zit on my chin. Ahhh…brings me back to the “good ol’ days” when I had zits as a teenag…wait, I didn’t. Crazap. Stupid hormones.

Oh nice! ANOTHER zit! Right next to the underground monster one! Twins!

...

...

...

My mind is like a steel trap. See? Nothing’s coming out.

A Hairy Situation

So while I have my own personal reasons for avoiding “mom jeans” (and halter tops, thongs, skorts, Uggs, and fanny packs, either all together or separately) I made some decisions that, for basically a year, could not stop me from avoiding “Three Musketeer Hair”.

Now…disclosure here. I mean to offend NO ONE. It’s just that, there is a certain “look” that I call “Three Musketeer hair”, which for me, often translates into, “I have given up on my looks” or, “I am SO indentured to my children/busy lifestyle to the point that styled hair is as important as being poked in both eyes, or “I desperately desire to wear a tunic, feathered hat and wield a sword.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that but…

Because see, I had hair EXACTLY like this…



















(I was also a Pussycat Doll in my head)

And then…I cut it off…

All of it.

I thought, yeah! Trendy, cute, cool! I look like a pixie! (Seriously, my ears pick up submarine radar they stick out so far, this chick can't help the government like I can.)

Easy to fix, easy to style. No ponytails or need to comb. But, as always, (or as sometimes anyway) I didn’t think it through, and then had to deal with…

1. Two kids, who, for whatever reason, thought only boys, men, and grandmas could have short hair, and thus they became deeply disturbed by my short hair. Whether they thought I was a man, boy, or grandma I did not ask. I assure you though that I did nothing to foster this thinking, and I believe the kids at the park are to blame, or the fact that I don’t let my kids out of the house, other than to go to the park, apparently where appropriately haired children, creepy men, and grandmothers play.


2. The fact that eventually I would tire of the short hair, being called “sir”, and the constant cutting, which I took on myself with the help of a bathroom mirror and a lot of “guts”. During this senseless hacking phase I had many different “styles”, using nothing sharper than garden shears.


3. Remembering my hair, looks like this long, naturally,












so um...WHAT WAS I THINKING???

Of course, there was only one thing to do, grow out my hair.

This announcement made my kids incredibly happy. I am not sure why, maybe because they miss pulling on it, purposefully or not.

For a while, I was able to somehow manage some cute shapes, er…styles, in my hair while it grew out, but, eventually, it got to the stage I hate the most; the Three Musketeer Hair.

And darn it to heck I cannot find a picture that truly captures what I am talking about (including no pictures of me because HELLO I hate it!). So, I will have to describe it: brown, just below chin-length, not sleek straight, and not wavy in a fun, sexy or even cute way (more in a “whoa, Johnny Depp has long hair? Did he comb it?” way). It’s not too thin, not too thick, but in no way, “just right”. I have a “cowlick” right in the front of my hairline too, which was great for the 80’s and will be great again when I am 80, but not right now. It’s basically a bob gone terribly wrong; during that phase I can’t get it all in a ponytail, and though I hate it, I just can’t bring myself to cut it because at LEAST it is length, and if I cut it, then it’s getting cut OFF. This, is the epitome of the lame “Three Musketeer Hair” phase for me.

So during this phase I sort of tune out my appearance, avoid mirrors, and carry around a sword, or bow and arrow. My son enjoys this phase the most.

And I am writing this ridiculously long and irrelevant post because in the last month I realized my hair has passed the phase! I was able to cut long layers into it and…I now…have…a…STYLE! I call it the “I will NEVER cut my hair again!” phase.

So back comes the black hair dye (since gray strands have made a horrifying appearance recently) and the goal of getting these amazing locks back down near the center of my back, if not my derriere, because nothing says "I'm defying my age" like superwoman Pussycat Doll runway-ready hair.

See, aren’t you happy you read this?

Givin' Some Bloggy Love, Seriously...

Well, I’ve paid the bills, learned my kids a thing or two in school, did the housework for today, worked out, did my bible study AND plucked my eyebrows, so, there is only one thing left to do…

HAND OUT SOME AWARDS YA’LL!

I have received three peer awards that I have been holding onto for some time, which means I need to display them and THANK the Bloggers who gave them to me, and I have something of my own to hand out…

So here they are, three I have received, thanks to Stacy of Stacy’s Random Thoughts, Joan of The Retirement Chronicles, and Beth of This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood:

I am pretty sure everyone I know has these already, so now, instead, I am giving out a NEW button of appreciation...

I would like to start out by giving to Joan, Beth and Stacy, three wonderful Bloggers, this button, made by the folks over at Sited and Blogged (where I am a contributor *coughs PLUG coughs*) as I truly am a fan of your blogs:

AND, I would ALSO like to give this button to THESE Fantastic Bloggers, because I am a fan of theirs as well:

Wendiwinn (she loves to talk about things like doors and bacon)
Kearsie of Sounds like Tomatoes (she has a tag she needs to explain...)
Hey Lola (She is about 96 weeks pregnant and is just glowing with...well, go see..)
Jenny of Oh! I Love That! (She makes cool things AND she loves cool things)
Much More Than Mommie (She knows a LOT about bras, and Google can prove it)
Lulu of Lulu's Sandbar (I call her the Treadmill Wrangler)
Vickie of Vickie's Scrapbooking and Tidbits (she is a scrapbook guru)

You all are fantabulous!

Now, I was also tagged by Beth and Joan for this List of 8's, and any of the Bloggers I just mentioned may or may not respond by listing their 8’s. AND...here are mine:

8 Things I look forward to:
1. Possibly Visiting Alaska this summer (secretly doing a happy dance!)
2.My hubby being done with his PhD! Two…years…left…
3. Spending time outside with my kids in the sun AND my hummingbirds coming back!
4. Spending evenings with my hubby watching our shows, playing, um, games…
5. Seeing my Kentucky friends on weekends and at BSF on Wednesdays
6. IM-ing, Facebook-ing with all my friends, and reading/commenting on blogs
7. My workout time (when I am ALONE!!!)
8. Getting back into shape before summer…please kim get it right this year!!

8 Things I wish I could do:
1. Decorate cakes professionally that are only featured on the Sunday posts of Cake Wrecks
2. Sing really, really well
3. Ballroom dance like they do on TV!!!
4. Swim…or even float for that matter…
5. Make perfect sugar cookies…maybe it’s a good thing I can’t!
6. Pass my interpreting certification test (I SO hope!)
7. Go to a John Mayer concert, first row seats…ahhhhh…
8. Get rid of my acne for good!

8 Things I did yesterday:
1. Vacuumed up pillbugs, and other dead insects, that crawl in from the outside and die about 2 inches from the wall.
2. Wrote a blog post and chatted w/ amazing friends
3. Paid bills, and, as part of home-schooling, forced my 8-year-old to watch me do it; he was SO enthused!
4. Took a shower, solely for the purpose of getting clean
5. Made meatloaf, because meatloaf is awesome of course
7. Cleaned out a closet, again. This time, it better stay friggin’ clean!
8. Called my mommy, ‘cause I am a GOOD daughter that way!

8 shows I watch:
1. Dancing with the Stars
2. Celebrity Apprentice
3. LOST
4. 30 Rock
5. The Office
6. Hell’s Kitchen
7. Survivor
8. Wipe Out

And now, I have another award I want to give out, and once you are awarded, you are allowed to give out to others.

This is my very own, original “You Spice Up My Life” award. The rules here are to give this to 5 Spicy Bloggers who add that "special something" to your day whilst in the act of blog perusal, and give them your own personal spicy name that they can display with this fantastic award...that I made...all on my own... *beaming*. I give this award to these 5 Bloggers (more to come later) and I officially declare that-

Hey Lola: you are Allegedly Pregnant and Hilariously Chaotic Spice
WendiWinn: you are Bacon Spam Friend Cullinary EXpert Spice
Kearsie at Sounds Like Tomatoes: you are Mrs. *SWOON* Edward Cullen HulaHoop Spice
Joan: You are Fine Wine and Fancy Lingerie Spice, and
Beth: You are Purple Yoda Awesome Master Spice

And as always, don’t feel obligated to pass any of these on, or display them. Just know you all light up my life.

Peace Out.

Tuesday Twitters

I am scared of the extra firewood in the cloth bags behind my chair. I am sure that alien Black Widow spiders will take up residence there soon and breed billions of alien babies. I carefully vacuum around it. It makes me feel daring and ALIVE! Heh heh…

When I am doing something important, like drying my hair, I close one eye. That is because my brain is all messed up, ya know, and closing one eye shuts off the short circuits that cause it to be difficult to blow my hair dry with two eyes open. You following me here? Seriously, are you following me?

I am so sick of cleaning my house.

My kids tried unsuccessfully to pick my nose for 10 minutes last night. Yeah, it was weird. Poor kids. I need to get them more toys.

Cutting chicken on the middle rack of an open oven that is at 400 degrees, so it will cook faster, is NOT a good idea. Be happy I lived to tell about it, and warn you…

I am getting my PMS headache. Stand.back.now.

Have you ever washed a clothes hanger? I have. GO ME!!!

Sometimes there is nothing better than downing a huge bowl of pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese, especially when I am not thinking about Ped Eggs.

Ya know, I really like Joan Rivers. Is that wrong? She is on Celebrity Apprentice right now and you know what? I want her to win. Melissa? Mmmm, no. she can go. Away.
















So my friend (s) got me to watch Twilight (Edward, psh), and I made one specific friend listen to John Mayer. She didn’t like him. We are now in friend therapy.

Don't diss the Mayer.

Oh yeah, by the way, my skin SO sparkles in the sun! That is SO not original. Because see, I AM that white.

My kids are in a new phase of fighting/nagging/screaming constantly. I am in a new phase of digging my nails into the wall and carving out holes that I can crawl into in order to hide from them.

I now love working out, not because I will soon look like a hot 20-something celeb, but because I get to watch HGTV at the clubhouse while I rock the elliptical. My priorities have changed, and I seriously miss cable TV.

Oh hey! I am now contributing to a site called Sited and Blogged. I do recipes every other Monday, and my Twitters and other amazing posts are on there too…just a shameless plug. Yeah…

THE GIVEAWAY WINNERS!

And here are the winners of the two autographed books by Bill Giovannetti!!

Jaime!!

and

Steffanie!!

WOOOHOOOO! Congrats you two! I will get the news out to Bill and he will send you your autographed copy of his fantastic book!

And today I leave you with this, for those of you who want to watch it, because for me, it's what this day is all about. We'll see you all back next week, exploring things such as bubble gum, chin hairs, explaining the "birds and the bees" to an 8-year-old, and the like...

Have a blessed day everyone!

Take a Leap of Faith

My giveaway is almost over, and if you haven't entered, you should right now! I know this book will surprise you and not be what you expected, and even be more than you did expect, in a very good and refreshing way! Does that make sense?

And since it is Good Friday, stop by here too.

Have a wonder Easter and Resurrection Day!

PS the ground was just two feet below, funny how things aren't always what they seem...

Tuesday Twitters

Jacob is now a Ninja; his first official act of Ninja business was to steal the knobs off my kitchen cabinets and hide them around the house. Very Ninja-y, right?

Watch this Ask A Ninja video. I love this.

I was running soccer drills with the kids and wanted to school them on kicking the ball hard. I was all, “watch this!” and, as I tried to “bend it like Beckham”, I instead bent my big toenail back halfway. I instantly went from being Beckham to being Andrew Dice Clay. In my head of course, I must protect my childrens’ delicate ears and my reputation around the neighborhood. I need new sneakers.

I am about to watch Twilight, and I hope I hate it. I already hate reading. Unless, everyone expects me to hate it, then I shall like it. But I won’t read. I hate conforming.

Little ants have been crawling out of my computer. Yes, I am off my medication, and the whole family has seen this happen! It’s not my imagination! I think they are attracted to the food crumbs and sticky goo from childrens’ fingers on the keyboard. I don’t put the laptop on my lap anymore; I don’t want ants in my pants!

My husband’s hair is now long enough to put back in a ponytail. Let me tell you something; I likey. I likey a lot…

I think I hear crickets chirping; not because no one is reading my blog, but because I think there are crickets in the house...

If you saw how I clean raw fruits/vegetables, you would understand why my friends call me a “germaphobe”, to which I say, what do you expect? My mom bleached raw chicken…

Remember the days when you would spontaneously color your hair, because it was “cool”, and “trendy”, and “fun”? Now it’s just a reminder of “old age” and it’s a “chore” and “cumbersome” and “depressing”. Sigh.

Speaking of Twilight, I have a ridiculous amount of friends obsessed with Edward. I would organize an intervention, but there are too many of them, and I am afraid I would lose a leg or something.

Man, the Prince commercial from YouTube was deleted due to copyright issues. I TOTALLY forgot how “crazy” psycho Prince is about his music being played and promoted just anywhere, willy-nilly, to tons of people. What video you ask? Ya know, that video I allegedly had of the commercial on here…

Never underestimate the power of bubblegum, especially when it lands in your hair, or on the carpet.

Have You Ever Had One of Those Days...

...when you find a food that your child loves, only to buy a ton of it and then have them nearly puke when they eat it again?

...when you realize what you are wearing to take out the garbage makes sense, but as you're walking back to your door, you just know people that see you are thinking, "is that a crazy person who's lost?"

...when no matter how hard you try, you can't keep up with the dishes even though you don't remember cooking/eating?

...where everything you wanted to buy at the store was out of stock, and you get so flustered that you forget to buy tampax, the one thing you really needed?

...when you have more zits than your teenage niece and more cellulite than your 82-year-old grandma?

...when somehow YOU made your HUSBAND feel inferior and slightly self-conscious about his appearance?

...when you think you have a great blog post and you sit down to write it and it's in fact total crap and you think you should just throw your laptop out a two story window?

...when you feel like Edward Cullen stole all your best friends?

...when you're walking through the parking lot at the grocery store, and while you're walking a truck drives behind you, and the guys in it holler and honk at you? You're disgusted, and flattered, by their attention...then you walk by your reflection and see that your bright blue underwear is hanging out the back of your jeans...??

...when cookies don't even taste good, but you eat them anyway?

...when you're walking the Runway of Life with all the other supermodels (or supermoms, or superwives) and you are the only one to slip and fall on your keister?

Yeah, me neither...

The Trip to the Dentist

I really hate going to the dentist. I am not sure which I would pick, a pap smear or a teeth cleaning. In some ways they are very similar, eh? Moving on...

So I took my kids to the dentist for the first time last week, and, yeah...they are 8 and 6. No judging y'all, this is a judge-free blog. Especially about avoiding dentists. Seriously.

Not only that, I allegedly planted a little fear into my kids, telling them that if they didn't let me brush every tooth until the bristles were flat, or open their mouth wider than a Black Hole so I could floss, that I would SO take them to the dentist where it would be MUCH worse than my frantic and forceful scraping/scrubbing/flossing. Some would say that is not a good method for introducing good oral hygiene. You're right. Don't judge.

Added to that, I WAS slightly embarrassed that other mothers were taking their one-year-old babies to get their "winter teeth" polished, "flourided" and sealed, while I was keeping the morning brushing routine an option (stop judging). I was pretty sure that CPS would be hiding in the corner of the dental office, waiting to jump me when I was forced to confess to the Hygienist my terrible mothering ways and utter disregard for professional dental care. This fear kept me from making an appointment for like, ever.

Stop judging!!!

But then my son developed some tartar, and I read about some kid dying of a tooth absess, that turned into a brain infection, from not going to the dentist. I made the appointment.

I found a pediatric dentist, which made me happy. That call was my first contact for the confession.

Receptionist: "When was the last time your kids saw the dentist?"

Me: "I'm afraid of those papooses!"

Receptionsist: "Pardon?"

Me: "Um, never."

Receptionist: "Oh..."

So the appointment was made, and the task of getting the kids "excited" was daunting as we inched toward D Day; Dentist Day!

Me: "Kids! So exciting! We get to go to the dentist!"

Kids: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

See? Piece of cake.

Ya know how they say, "you get what you pay for?" Well, I paid through the nose for these appointments; here's what I expected and here's what I got:

What I expected: A small waiting room with two magazines, 3 chairs, and some nasty Legos in the corner while we waited 2 hours to torture my kids.

What I got: Well, this.

and this...and this...
Yeah, it was real.

So instead of tearing the kids away from the front door, I tore them away from the videogames/movie/play tent/carousel after only 5 minutes to meet the Dental Hygenist.

What I expected: A sterile white room with a papoose waiting for each of them, two crazy kids crying, and EVERYONE telling me what a horrible mother I was and that this was all my fault.

What I got: Well, this.Funny pink stuff!
Brushing off "sugar bugs"!
Next we went into a room with dual chairs and a nice place for me to sit and watch. There were paper mache animals everywhere, bright colors, sunglasses for them to wear, books and animals to look at /play with, and hapiness abounding.

What I expected: The Hygenist forcing me and my frightened, waiting child out of the room, while my other frightened screaming child was tied down, scraped, polished, flossed, had water shot down his windpipe, his tonsils sucked out with the monster vacuum, and was forced to wear those horrible teeth cups filled with the Flouride Liquid from Hell that you swallow and die instantly from.

What I got:

Well, this...and this...
and this...
And, flouride is now brushed on and simply washed away, did you know that? (all the GOOD mothers are nodding their heads violently).

And then lastly the X-rays, which make you gag, cut the inside of your cheeks, and cause you to fear 3-D glasses.

That went fine too...

Then the dentist came in.

This was where I really expected to get it, especially after hearing the Hygienist whisper. "this was their FIRST time!" My poor children never had the opportunity to grow up getting used to the dentist, and because of my terrible neglect, they had 20 cavities and had to have 4 root canals each, and have teeth pulled and those little fake teeth inserts made so they wouldn't look like old men until they were 10 years old.

Nope...

X-rays were, perfect.

And...

NO CAVITIES!

I must say the dentist did act shocked; I could tell she really wanted to be disappointed in me and make me out to be an awful example. But, all she could say was, "you take really good care of your kids' teeth!"

OH YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!

So yes, I will take them in 6 months to get the big fancy X-rays and the sealant on their teeth. After that I might have to get a job to continue this every-6-month schedule. But for now, they get to chew sugarless gum, use ACT once a day, and continue to get better at brushing and flossing on their own, because frankly I am sick of having food particles shoot into my eyes every time I floss their teeth.

PS I MUST be an awesome mom, who else takes pix of their kids at the dentist...wait no, I'm just a blogger, that's all...

A Giveaway That Just Might Change Your Life

THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED!

I know that's quite the blog title for a giveaway to follow, but this one fits the bill. In fact, this giveaway is for a book written by Bill. Bill Giovannetti. My dear friend sent me his book about a month ago, and half-way through I just KNEW I wanted to do a giveaway for it! The book is called, How to Keep Your Inner Mess from Trashing Your Outer World. And I tell you, it.is.amazing.

You can read lots of reviews on this book HERE. I must say that this book came to me at just the right time in my life, when I was dealing with some issues that often come up for me, but I had never really dealt with in the right way.

When I finished the book I decided to contact Bill and asked him to do the giveaway and for an interview, to which he kindly obliged, so you all could get an insight on him and just a taste of what the book is about.

THE INTERVIEW WITH BILL GIOVANNETTI:

Hi Bill! Can I call ya Bill?

You can, but my Inner Mobster might take exception.

Yeah, um...I like his suit...uh...tell us about yourself, Bill…

I’m an essentially shy guy that God makes preach to a lot of people every week. I love my wife and kids. I love Jesus. I love God’s Word… theology and doctrine, especially. Born and bred in Chicago, I’m a Cubs and Sox and Bears and Bulls fan. Deep dish pizza rules. I hate legalism. I’m excited about grace.

Yeah, grace is awesome, the Bulls are cool...Chicago pizza is OK, I guess...umm...how did you get the inspiration for writing this book?

The Inner Mess book grew out of a bunch of frustrations that percolated in me for many years. The main one was my erratic success at the WWJD lifestyle. I was also frustrated by a piecemeal approach to everyday life with God. Most Christians pick up their theology in bits and pieces—like assembling a puzzle without the box-top. I wanted to provide the box-top. All the questions I’ve received in many years of ministry revolve around day-by-day living with Jesus. I put that into this book.

I SO appreciate this! So, how much of this book was inspiration from your wife? Your kids? People like me?

For the sake of domestic bliss, let’s just say wife and kids: zero. People like you, 100 percent. P.S., I saw you at Walmart, and you really need this book.

OK, that's not what I meant really (and no, that wasn't me, at Walmart, at 2pm, looking at hibachi grills, screaming at my kids, holding your book), but I see how you read my question, and, good answer!!! Your writing is funny, I laughed a lot. Are you naturally this funny?

You’d be even prouder if you knew how much I held back.

Well you sure didn't hold back in the "make me cry" department! I cried a lot, especially when I read the “paid in full” list. Do you often make people cry?

I’ve tried mouthwash, but it hasn’t worked.

The message of Calvary always makes me choke up. When I preach Christ and the Cross, I’m always fighting back tears. His sacrifice was so horrendous, and his was love so great.

Yeah, mouthwash doesn't really compare. So, what is your favorite part of the book?

I really got into the bus ride story that begins each chapter. As a Chicago public high school student, I rode the bus every day to and from school. Actually, I rode a bus, a train, and another bus every day. I hated it… still do. I channeled those memories into the bus story.

I also like the stuff about the Flagellants, and then the story about getting chased by a wild goose.

My most favorite parts are the occasional dialogs, like the one between Adam and Eve, and the one between the disciples when Jesus fell asleep on the boat. That was fun.

HAHA! Yeah the goose story was quite funny. Do you think my blog is funny?

If I say yes, will you promote my book?

That's rhetorical, right? Poop. I used rhetorical wrong, I think. Are you embarrassed that I talk about and say poop a lot?

Scandalized.

Really?...(sorry, back to the interview)

I would say the chapter on the “Inner Brat” affected me the most; how about you, what was the hardest chapter to write because it “hit home” the most?

Now, you’re meddling. I found myself in every chapter. Some of the father-wound stuff hit home hard. A lot of the legalism really messed with my mind, and it has been an amazing journey out of it. Moving from a Christian life based on effort to a Christian life based on grace is incredible. I’d say the toughest chapter was chapter four: Inner Jerk. There’s a story in there that really makes me cringe, about interrupting a pastor in a prayer meeting. Ouch.

Yeah I want to meddle less, cringe less, and get my foot out of my mouth. Thankfully, I feel I was changed by your explanation of a way in which we are free and how we gain that freedom (pages 155 and 156 to be exact); I bet the readers wish they knew what I was talking about, huh?

Yes, wouldn’t they be new people if only they knew what we’re talking about?

What are we talking about anyway?

I think the message of Christ in us is the most overlooked doctrine of this generation.

I skipped ahead and read all the vignettes on the bus encounters before finishing the book. Does that make me a bad person?

You have defied the author’s intent. You must be punished.

But I didn't see any warnings in fine print against it!!! Next question...

What do you hope the readers of this book come away with?

Freedom to be themselves in Christ. Freedom from guilt and shame. Freedom from legalism. Joy. A sense of wonder that Christ lives in us to make us into who he says we should be. A practical way to live with Jesus, day by day.

That would be great! And, what do you NOT want them to come away with?

A to-do list of obligations.

AMEN! So, are you writing another book?

I am. I just received notice that the same publisher will go forward with a book called Four Letter Words. Sounds very holy, doesn’t it? It’s a conversational apologetics book aimed at young adults, dealing with objections to Christianity. It should hit the shelves next year. I’ve also got a couple more in the hopper. I’m really excited about one called Living Large with Other People’s Craziness. It’s based on Esther. I think the theme of your blog would fit nicely with that title.

You can use examples from my blog if you want...Are you Sicilian? because I am. That makes for some weird characters in the back of the bus…I think I have three Vinnies, actually…

Nah. Northern Italians, like me, and Sicilians (from the south) don’t get along. I have one Vinnie and two Guido’s on my bus. So don’t mess.

Well I shall practice grace to get through our differences, especially since Sicilian food is better. Um...Which one of my bus passengers is writing these questions anyway?

I suspect it’s your Inner Gollum.

We HATES that about ourselves! We HATES it!! Anyway...

Chapter 15 is incredibly practical and freeing. As parents we try so hard to control our children to protect them. How can we help foster these methods in our children during their formative years?

Yeah, in that chapter, I offer two mental scripts that help us apply God’s grace to our lives: the Grace Script and the Power Script. The Grace Script gets you out of the habit of punishing yourself—which only energizes your flesh/Inner Mess even more. The Power Script reactivates your faith in the indwelling Christ to help you be holy and not be an idiot. The best way to foster these methods in your kids is through modeling. If you’re always correcting, judging, and criticizing, they’ll internalize that as God’s displeasure. Our kids absorb all the disowned characters on our bus. So you have to really own your stuff, and be conscious of it, or else you’ll inflict it on your kids.

Nice reminder about what our kids "pick up" that we never intended them to.

I appreciate how you unpack the “me-first” phenomenon. Serving and loving Him and others is something I want to do everyday of my life, whether I feel like or not. In this present culture and time, how can we, as individuals and as a body, best achieve this on a daily basis?

We are no better as lovers than we are mature as Christians.

First, we have to have our spiritual tanks filled, or else we’ll be unable to love as Jesus loved. Second, we have to grow mature, especially in God’s Word. No more sermonettes for Christianettes! Let’s grow deep and mature in Christ. Let’s sink down deep roots into him. Let’s put away childish things, and love with a stable, mature love based on the supernatural inner strength that can only come from God.

Thanks for these fun questions. I’m really honored to be featured on your blog. I’d love to hear from you and your readers again. They can find more at http://www.innermess.com and my blog at maxgrace.com.










Thanks. Bill.


THANK YOU, BILL!!

Bill is giving away 2 autographed copies of his book! Soooooooo exciting!! Now, for the rules for the giveaway...please read the caps and the red lettering carefully:

THIS COUNTS AS 1 (ONE) ENTRY: LEAVING ME A SAFE WAY TO CONTACT YOU, comment on THIS post, and any 1 (ONE) of BILL'S posts on HIS BLOG, and come back here and tell me which post of BILL'S you commented on!

TO ADD AN ADDITIONAL (ONE MORE) ENTRY: Blog about this giveaway AND comment back on my blog telling me that you did so!

TO ADD AN ADDITIONAL (ONE MORE) ENTRY: Sign up for Bill's newsletter HERE!

TO ADD TWO MORE ADDITIONAL ENTRIES: Buy the book HERE because you know someone who needs this book, now, and/or just can't wait for the Random Number Generator (RGN) to pick you!

So, you have up to 5 entries for this great book! And who knows, maybe the RGN will pick you twice! It could happen!

THE GIVEAWAY ENDS APRIL 12th, 2009, at 12pm EST.

RGN will choose two (2) winners. YOU MUST CONTACT ME WITHIN THREE (3) DAYS OR THE RGN WILL CHOOSE NEW WINNERS!

I am so excited for this 'cause I know the winners will have their socks blessed off by this book! Thanks to Bill and to all of my followers!