Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Diva is in the Details...

So, a while back I was on Facebook (yes, probably engrossed in Cityville, harvesting eggplants or something worthless like that) and FB directed me to the corner of the screen to look at my friend's posted pictures. So I did. Because I do whatever FB tells me to do. Um...

And one picture caught my full attention, because she had her arms raised, exposing her armpits.

At first I was like, man, why would you take a picture with your arms raised in order to show your pits? And then, it hit me; it's because she has really really nice armpits!

I know, right?

I mean, I have to be honest, I felt a little weird admiring, almost envying, her armpits because really, armpits are right up there with feet and ear hair. They just aren't that attractive.

But there I was, thinking dang, she has nice pits.

Later that day I spoke with her on the phone during my grocery shopping chore. While discussing cheesecake and forehead wrinkles, I mentioned the picture, and how impressed I was with her armpits, to which I thought she would respond by calling me a weirdo and hanging up on me. Instead, without missing a beat, she says, "I know! They are one of my greatest assets, so I take care of them and show them off! That picture was just for my armpits!"

I had a revelation right there in the cereal aisle.

I am NOT doing my assets any favors. Noooooo. I am too busy focusing on my flaws and doing nothing to make my favorable attributes shine; I must showcase my assets with confidence and pride!

And I know that mindset works because HELLO, I am sitting here writing about admiring someone's armpits, and I can't remember anything else about that picture!!

I mean really, why do I sit here, and lament the cottage cheese on my thighs, and how bad it looks, all while ignoring my hairy legs, calloused heels, and dry, cracking hands, my eyebrows growing together and ragged, half-painted toe nails and broccoli stuck in my teeth?

I can immediately remedy the issues to those last 6 eyesores...why not go a step further and make them SHINE??

I have got to focus on what I can make fabulous, fabulous!

Now think about it, no one scoffs when you decide the outside of your house looks like the Amityville Horror house, so you redo the steps and re-set the shudders and repaint and replace missing shingles...

But suddenly pay a little more attention to your looks? Scandalous!

Now, most people tell me I look younger than my years, which is nice. But seriously, it's probably because they are getting older too and need glasses, I'm just sayin'. Looking in the mirror I see the lines are forming, the hair is graying...and, if I keep focusing on my thighs, which no one ever sees, I'll be looking like a Golden Girl before I know it! I really don't want to start writing my grocery list on my forehead lines before I hit 40...

And, watching American Idol this season has been inspiring, yet frustrating, because J-Lo, who is 41, has nary a wrinkle on her face, and...her face MOVES! She could possibly have a doc who is wickedly masterful with the botox needle, however. But if that is her secret, then forget it. I am afraid of anything toxic...other than bleach...

So anyway...she birthed twins. She's gotta have some dimples somewhere...but, I wouldn't know it, because everything else looks amazing!

OK, I feel I need to justify all this, ya know, for you readers who might be screaming at me that "looks don't matter and it's what's on the inside that really counts" Yes. I know that. Really I do. But that's another post for another time.

All of us moms and women who work hard need to be allowed to take care of ourselves and feel our best, making the most of what we have while we still have it. We may never achieve our ideal, but all of us have a lot to work with, and most of us have a knock-out feature, whether it is our eyes, smile, hair or even long slim neck, that we have ignored for one reason or another.

Be real. If your BFF was walking around town all haggard and baggy and disheveled with broccoli hanging from her teeth, you would team up with your other friends and get her a spa package and some mint floss right? Right? Why not give that same attention to yourself?

So my goal is to keep the parts of me that can look amazing, looking amazing at all times! I also want to maintain or even improve the other parts that I normally don't care about, like my ARMPITS. And I also want to slow down the aging process in any practical, economical, non-torturous/non-toxic way I can. I saw Death Becomes Her. I'm no goon...

And, I want to do this all in less than 15 minutes a day, because seriously my whole eggplant crop could wither and die in that amount of time!

But seriously seriously, I am taking the old-school approach of making my teeth a little whiter, not some $50-a-treatment, blinding white cream that makes my teeth look like dry-erase boards, but just some baking soda and peroxide paste a few times a week, to combat the coffee and blueberries I consume nearly everyday. Oh, and I am also flossing everyday (yay me!).

I found an exfoliate cream for my face that I totally love, and I need, because soon there won't be enough room for all the zits and wrinkles competing on my forehead. Keeping my skin clean and getting rid of those dead skin cells should help a lot, and, so far it has. A generous swipe of Witch Hazel doesn't hurt either...

I am also trying to sleep on my back more. All you who battle under-eye bags, I have totally done a layman's experiment: sleeping on my stomach = big baggy under-eye bags. Sleeping on my back = barely any bags at all! I guess there is something to that whole, "fluid accumulates in your eye tissues at night" theory. I just wonder where the fluid is going now? Moving on...

I just started using a new face cream that I plan on telling you more'll have to come back...heh heh...

I am using a pumice paddle on my feet. Every time I shower. This has made a HUGE difference and I no longer have dry, cracked heels...just in time for spring! A home-done pedicure is easy peasy. Even if feet make people gag, mine at least won't make them pass out or run screaming in horror.

And in addition to my feet, on my hands and elbows I am using a peppermint butter balm that is keeping them smooth and soft, and my hands anti-witch-looking (I have really long, skinny, witch-like fingers)!

So there ya go. I went from the minimum, of making sure my nose and ears were clear of any debris, to the maximum of making sure the parts that can look fabulous do, and the other parts that don't never see the light of day. Because unless I come to my senses and delete Cityville, the leg dimpling ain't goin' nowhere.

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