Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Hate Aunt Flo!

I hate Aunt Flo. She ruins everything when she comes! She always shows up unannounced, making a mess of things, which puts me in a foul mood and sends hubby into a locked room to escape her week of mayhem. She totally dictates what I wear when she is here (she's all, "oh no WAY you're gonna fit into those pants!") and I always have to sit around and cater to her every flippin' whim and demand until she leaves, which zaps my energy and makes me about as lovable as a rat with plague. And, no matter how much I want her to stay away, she is here faithfully, every month.

So now she is not only ruining my life, and my husband’s life, but she is also ruining my kids' lives, in that she dictates the attendance of their favorite summer vacation activity, going to the pool.

There is NO getting near the pool when Aunt Flo shows up. She is SO obnoxious and all over the place that there is no way to contain her in a pool setting. Which is hard to explain when the kids come up to me and say,

KIDS: Mom! It’s 85 degrees! We can go to the pool today!

ME: Uh, sorry kiddos, not today.

KIDS: What? WHY??? You SAID if it’s 85 degrees we could go! *tears welling in eyes*

ME: Yeah I know, but, um, see, Aunt Flo is here.

KIDS: Aunt Flo? We have another Aunt?

ME: Yeah, sort of.

KIDS: Where is she? Why can’t she go to the pool?

ME: Uh…

KIDS: Doesn’t she like the pool? Does she not have a suit?

ME: Well, no…

KIDS: Why does she have to come?

ME: It’s hard to explain…

And yes, this is when I give up, try to explain, and ruin my kids for life…

ME: See kids, mommies have this, uh, thing that happens to their bodies.

KIDS: What?

ME: Well, our bodies prepare to have babies every month, and um... our bodies make a warm nutritious place for babies to live in their belly. If no baby shows up, the mommies bodies get rid of that, um, room that was set up in there.

KIDS: Like, they poop it out?

ME: Sigh. No.

JACOB: OH! Is that what you use those diapers for?

AUDREY: They are pillows for my dollies!

ME: They are not diapers, OR dolly pillows for crying out loud!! They are pads! And stop getting into the cabinets!

AUDREY: What comes out mommy of your butt, mommy?

ME: ACK! NO! Not there! Um...stuff! Stuff that can’t go in the pool.

JACOB: What does this have to do with Aunt Flo?

ME: Um…can we forget that part of the conversation? Or maybe all of it?

AUDREY: Who’s Aunt Flo again?

ME: (Slapping myself in the head) Look kids. Once a month, mommy can’t go into the pool, because she has her period OK? That is what it’s called. I’m not explaining any more, but we can’t go this week and THAT’S THE END OF THE CONVERSATION and do NOT under ANY circumstances repeat ANY of this conversation!!

KIDS: (blinking uncontrollably as they put all those words together) So…can Aunt Flo take us to the pool?

*Smacking my forehead*…


w said...

ed loves aunt flo.

not only did that sentence use a "word"... it also grossed me out to no end.

Stephanie said...

Oh dear...poor you. Hope your Aunt leaves soon :)

Vickie said...

Dang! You had me laughing out loud! That was good!

Hope Aunto Flo doesn't stay to long:)

Still laughing

The Retired One said...

Damn that Aunt Flo. I went and got Mr. Surgeon to murder Aunt Flo and now we all live happily ever after.

Jennifer Nordin, LMT, CPT said...

SO FUNNY! My sisters and I used to call it The Monthly Visitor. We used to tell people we couldn't do this or that because we were getting company that weekend, etc. :)

Maniacal Mommy said...

I am so not looking forward to my AF's return!

Wendy said...

I'm happy I don't have to explain all that to my boys yet. Yay! :)

Jennifer said...

I think the internet mommy population is on the same cycle. She's at my house, too!

Melissa said...

I no longer have "Aunt Flo"... if you are done having kids,you should look into an ablation. It is awesome!!


'Can Aunt Flo take us to the pool' - LOVE those future bloggers!! (laugh snorting).

Unknown said...

LMAO. This was perfect...especially this week *wink wink, nudge, nudge, kick, pinch*

James thinks that once a month I get really crabby. I think once a month I'm just far less tolerant of stupid stuff.

SimplyBillie said...

HAHA!! I love it! At least the conversation hopefully lifted up your day.

She Said said...

ROTFLMAO! Great story! My kids are 3 and 5 and I am AMAZED that given the lack of privacy I get in our house, they haven't asked any questions. Yet.

Oh, crap. I just jinxed it didn't I?

Aria said...

Aunt Flo is so mean, that snapper could be the lifeguard.

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