Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I Wear My Sunglasses on my Head so You Can See my Smeyes...

I am always slapping on My Face in the car; I barely pull myself together enough to force the kids to use the potty, throw on some clothes and fly out the door in time for anything, so, The Face must be applied in the car while we madly drive to our destination. And, while I try desperately not to stab myself in the eye with my mascara wand as we hit pot holes, I hear this:

Jacob: Mom, what are you doing? What's that stick? What's that white stuff you put on your face? Paint?

Me: I am putting on my make up.

Jacob: Why? You look fine!

Josh: Really Kim, you don't need make up.

Me: Thank you, men, in my life, for boosting my self confidence, and trying to prevent me from blinding myself, but my ZITS make me think otherwise, and I don't want to scare little children, have women slip me their business cards for AVON zit cream, or have someone ask me if I have the Chicken Pox!

Jacob: Well, you don't need to put all that stuff on, it doesn't matter what other people think!

Audrey: I love make up! Give me the stick mom!

So, a few days ago, Jacob's Words-o-Wisdom echoed in my head as I realized we were out of milk and bread, and I needed to run to the store.

I thought, is it worth wasting make up for? It's not like I will see anyone I know, and I am totally past trying to impress anyone, especially when I am buying Preparation H and Always Extra Heavy overnight pads. I mean, hubby manages to look me in the eye everyday like this without recoiling or crying so, why should the Produce Man get any better? Yeah, Produce Man, say hello to my leeetle frens...ACNE! MUAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA!

And with that, I threw on some clothes and ran my fingers through my hair, because combing is too cumbersome, and causes static, which forces me to use hairspray on already nasty hair. I stare in the mirror and realize that even though it's 2:30pm, I look like I just woke up. And, not only am I looking my age these days, I have exactly 20 zits on my face, in really cool places, like on my eyelids, upper lip and the center of my forehead. Produce Man is gonna be soooooooo impressed scared out of his mind.

But before I left, for whatever reason, I decided to accessorize. Oh yeah. A nice bright red scarf, and, to top the look off, sunglasses on my head.

Suddenly, I was transformed.

Those glasses, well, they gave my hair a little lift, and the scarf added a little, je ne sais quoi, but, somehow, I went from looking like a worn-out lazy mom to a supermodel who, after staying up all night at a swanky after-party, needed some Preparation H for her baggy eyes, not because she carried two children over 8 pounds...

I then decided, in the three minutes I had to warm up the car, to perfect my "smeyes". Oh, you don't know what that is? It's smiling, with your eyes. I tried to find the Tyra Banks interview with Larry King, because she teaches the smeyes so well (it looks like she doesn't want her secret all over the net). But, for reference, here is Jennifer Lopez; she is always smeyes-ing, but really, I always thought she was near-sighted, or smelling something bad, or just trying to be sinister...

So yes, with sunglasses on my head, and a fancy scarf and my smeyes, I went about my business, getting eggs and toiletries and bananas without causing mayhem or blinding anyone. In fact, someone mistook me for Angelina and asked for my autograph. Psh.


Ian said...

What a great post. Although I cannot related and I might be the only dude on your blog I found it quite funny.

On the other hand, nearly everywhere we go, the wife does just this.

The other weekend was the best. She drives a stick shift and I never learned how nor do I care to, right? We have to go to a party and take her car. We always take mine everywhere but it was in the shop. So she was driving stick, applying makeup, having me hold the hundreds of things she needed all while driving at the same time.

I did find it quite amusing.

Me? I don't really care how ugly I look. I have a wife that loves me...fat, bald and all, she loves me and I love her back :)

Great post! Sorry for the book-length comment.


Anonymous said...

Girl, I am right there with ya! I do not suffer from acne but I am very fair and tend to be blotchy and red duie to sensitive skin. I have to have my Smashbox on when I go out! Now, when I am running into Publix or Target I just dab cover up, powder and mascara. Then my gloss. I have a huge train case filled with enough makeup to do a runway show. I am a product whore. My toddler has discovered my makeup brushes. Ugh saliva covered now.

Kearsie said...

Man, I need to try this Smeyes business. Although, I already do this at home whilst squinting at the TV when I'm too lazy to wear my glasses and thus far, no one has mistaken me for a celebrity. Mostly I hear "you want me to get your glasses for you?"

Tracie said...

I'm all about the big sunglasses, lipgloss and some jewelry. If it's sunny the sparkly bling will blind everyone and they can't see you anyway.

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

Oh no, please tell me that you are not really one of those people that I trash talk for paying more attention to their rearview (and therein ;-)their makeup application) than the road in front of them.


I really hate the way makeup feels so I hardly ever wear it. In fact, I pretty much have to purchase new makeup whenever I do break down and wear it for some fancy occasion because its usually only once a year or so...and don't you have to get new makeup every 6 months? I thought I heard somewhere that you should throw away certain products if they are over 6 months old.

Anyways, that was a lovely tangent!

I have almost completely given up on trying to look nice when I go out for quick errands. These days, I check for three things: does it smell ok? Does it have any stains? Is it terribly wrinkled? If the answer is no, then I wear it. lol Cinderella t-shirt paired with penguin pj pants? Don't mind if i do! lol

I'm enjoying it now before my daughter gets to the age that she actually cares about my wearing jammies to drop her off at school. ;-)

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

Hmm, let me clarify my last comment:

If the answer to the last two is no, then I'll wear it. I won't wear something that smells bad. lol I should have written, "does it smell bad?" because then the "no" answer would work for all three.

Hee hee...silly Bethie!

Insanitykim said...

Hahahha Beth! Love ya!

And Beth, Just so you know, Josh is driving when I throw on the face; I am not coordinated enough to put on the amount of make up I need to look good AND stay on the road!

Ian, you're a brave soul, thanks for sticking it out here, especially when I talk about feminine hygiene products...

You're all feeling me on this one, fist pounds all around!!

Stephanie said...

Sounds all so very European!

Ian said...

What the hell....I might be the only guy on here, but I can hold my own. Prepare for the guy's point of view! mwahahahaa!



w said...

everyone is leavaring really long comments. how do you do it!

smayereyes are weird. *they* actually look like they need some predparation h.

it only takes me 3 minutes to do my face. and i find *that* cullmbersome.

i need to check my shrimp now.

SurferWife said...

Oh that was YOU!

This wacky lady was in the frozen food aisle with me and her eyes were all buggin' so I slipped my Avon card in her purse.

Call me. said...

Just stopping by from SITS cause I loved the name of your post! As a mom who tries to balance insanity with everything else every day I totally get where you are coming from... and the way you tell it is FAB!! Will be back!

StudiusMaximus said...

Ian, you're not the only dude.

And Kim always looks good. By the way, who is this produce man? Might need to "talk" with him... >:|

Vanessa said...

I don't go to get my mail without lipstick on.

I want to see a picture of you with the whole smeyes thing going on.

Dee at Pedestrian Palate said...

You are so right, the produce man doesn't deserve better than the hubs. That's why I don't wear makeup at work. I don't owe them a painted up mug. I save that for hanging out with my girlies. At least they appreciate it.

Big Girl said...

I don't wear make up unless I put it on in the car. While I'm driving. My six year old says "Mo-om! That's a safety violation." Freakin disney channel.

I can totally relate!

The Retired One said...

Because my eyes are practically BALD without mascara/eye makeup, I feel I almost always have to put it on to go anywhere in public. Inevitably, if I don't I run into someone I know and they sympathetically say: 'you look so tired'....or "have you been sick"?

Hellya...I'm SICK and TIRED of having to wear makeup.

Lynn Kellan said...

I'm practicing my smeyes as we speak!

Tammy said...

lol! I never put on makeup when I go to the store, mostly because I think the way I apply it probably scares more people off than the zits!

Insanitykim said...

Hahah! Oh Josh...

There's no hotty McHotty Produce Man at the's just, they always have a ton of rolling vegetables and fruits cradled in their bosoms, and, if they turn around and see me, and I scare them, well, it causes a cascade of fibrous fury to spill onto the already slick floor, and someone might get hurt and file a lawsuit and then where would I be? Yep, on TV, explaining that my zits caused someone to crack their tailbone. The end.

I love that you love my face and don't go blind when you see it.

w said...

dear josh theory.

weren't you the one who had his shirt on his desk? the produce man always wears an apron anyway.

your friend,

Mass Hole Mommy said...

Smeyes, huh? Never heard that one before, but I am sooooooooooooo stealing it.

w said...

testing. 1. 2. 3.
you can't catch me.
i'm a ninja

Kearsie said...

Today I woke up and my smeyes had a zit.

huongie said...


i rolled around in bed today pondering whether or not to put on make-up to drop off my hub at the dentist.

"why do you smell funny?"

"it's blush, honey"

"well i don't like it, it smells."

i hear ya. but alas, i decided to look half awake instead of a sleepy, knocked up adolescent.

RainSplats said...

crazy girl, but I like your style ;)

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