Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I Failed Sex Ed, A-gain...



OK, so, hopefully some of you remember this catastrophe where I helplessly fumbled over squirm in your seat concepts and screamed about gorillas hiding in bushes and basically failed my young and innocent children in my lame attempt to drastically filter and obstruct any lesson that involved the birds and the bees for at least one more year. Well, I am back to my old handiwork...

Last night at bed time...

Jake: Moooooooooooom, what are these again? *pointing to his groin* Ya know, the things hanging down here?
Me: *Extremely long pause* Uhhhhhhhhhhh...
Jake: *stares at me*
Me: Your testicles.
Jake: But what's inside there? It's like two balls?
Me: Your testes, and sperm.
Jake: What?
Audge: TESTES! TESTES TESTES TESTES!
Me: Honey! We don't walk around saying that word like that, especially in public.
Jake: What do they do again?
Me: They help make babies.
Jake: How?
Me: Well, the sperm comes out to meet with the egg from the mommy.
Jake:*wheels in head turning, smoke rising* Do the mommies eat the sperm?
Me: *looking for a way to jump out the window* Ahhhhhh, no.
Jake: Well, do my testes break off into little pieces and fall off?
Me: [I am pretty sure I no longer qualify as a parent as I stifle laughter] Um, no.
Jake: Then how does it work?
Me: I will explain it when you are older, ok?
Jake: *giving me a crinkled up face* Does it hurt?
Me: Nooooo. *realizing that putting off this conversation is still quite appropriate since he still thinks it might hurt*

Then we actually talked about babies, and how cute they are, and how NOOOOO you can't have 10 babies at once (I left out any reference to Octomom) and easy things to talk about that don't make me stutter and imagine gorillas and force me to curl up into a little ball and cry my eyes out.

I don't blame you if you stop following me. But please don't. I need help. Seriously.


31 comments:

Post Grad Hair Cut said...

hilarious. I don't look forward to these conversations.

Ian said...

That's great. How old are your kids again?

Kearsie said...

OH MAN. I laughed and laughed. Hilarious. Way better than Addie's penis comment whilst watching a movie in a semi-crowded theater.

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

love it! i blocked out the talk w/my 2 boys...guess i need to brush up on my skills for the 'talk' w/my daughters! ha ha

Lisa Marie said...

As a first time mother of a 16 month old this terrifies me. It sounds like you handled like a pro! I was calling my son's penis his "weiner" until my hubs made me stop. I realize it was not the best thing to do but actually admitting my son has a penis and one day he will use to do more than pee pee freaks me out!!! Great post:)

My Lipstick Life said...

I so feel your pain! My twin sons are 13 and we have spoken frankly many times about how it all works and I dreaded every minute of it. Apparently I didn't do a very good job because just the other day my son erroneously thought babies were born out of your belly button. That's right, belly button. I'm I a total loser or what?

Mae Rae said...

You could always tell them they will fall of or worse. I fail because I lie. I have three boys, no matter what you tell them now they will only find out differently, whether true or not, when they get to school and talk with friends.

Lora said...

I can laugh at this now because I don't have children yet...I'm saving up those giggles because I KNOW one of these days...

Visiting you from SITS--have a good one!

One Cluttered Brain said...

oh no!!!
Hilarious. I am blushing right along with ya! You handled it well though!

Marci said...

My daughter is 12 and I think I'll just have her read this. Thanks for getting me out of an uncomfortable situation. Heheheh.

The Retired One said...

I got that one story book for the girls (shit, I can't remember the title!) to explain sex and began reading it to them when they were like 4 or 5 every year...they got it and loved it and we never did get many embarrassing questions after that.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

To "Well, do my testes break off into little pieces and fall off?
I would have told him - Not unless you date the school skank.

gamommy2two said...

Sorry, but I just laughed my face off at you...no, not you....your terrible predicament (sp?). My three year old has asked me several times what those things in my shirt are and I can't even find a way to answer that! I do not envy you.

The Lost in Suburbia Blog said...

You story was HILARIOUS! My son asked me how babies are made when I was driving. I almost hit a tree.

Carapace said...

See, I think you're missing a golden opportunity, here!
My parents explained *everything* to me the first time I asked. And anything. In clinical, scientific detail. With diagrams. They kept going over the explanation until they were sure I understood, clarifying to my level ("Yes, the part he uses to go to the bathroom, dear"), and repeated the explanations over the years any time I ask.
And of course I was horrified, and so my next question was "Why does anyone DO that? It's awful!" to which the answer was "Because when you get old enough, dear, you'll go insane and think it's a lot of fun."
And then we would watch the Pon Farr episode of Star Trek.

And all this had the fantastic result that when I was old enough to go crazy, and think the icky stuff was a good idea, I was well informed and had a large series of hygiene and health guidelines I was obsessed with before I could relax enough to enjoy anything.

Much More Than Mommy said...

You know they write books FOR these conversations, right? "Where Did I Come From" and "What's Happening To Me?" -- classics. Tell them to read, a Q&A can follow afterwards.

That worked for me and my sister... I think. I wasn't scarred or scared. ;-)

Stephanie said...

I laughed and cried at the same time. I have been putting off the talk and my girls are 15 and 11. Thank God the 15 year old isn't even making time for boys right now. She has a crush on one but keeps her distance per Dad's threat of the answering the door w/ the shot gun.

Hannah said...

Hi there :-) I just wanted to say that I very much enjoy reading your blog... I feel like it's a little glimpse at what it must've been like for my mom as she was homeschooling me and my three younger siblings. Lol. I vividly remember having the "birds and bees" discussion. One of the things I remember most is this book, so I thought I'd share it with you :-) "The Wonderful Way That Babies Are Made"

Creative Junkie said...

That made me laugh! Having been through the sex talk with both my daughters, I can seriously relate. My youngest is only nine so I'm sure we have several more rounds to go before she actually fully understands it. Ugh.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i just tell my son God sent him to me. has hasn't asked about his testes yet though.

robin said...

*gasp* oh kimmy! i love you! i love jacob too! i think you are getting better at this!

w said...

i already commented as we chatted. i thought the low point was the "no swallowing" point.

and now. to get to the real comment. dude. audge went around saying tedstes? oh man. that would have been a great convarsation to have heard. i would have laughed. and then i would have cried.

thesurpriselily said...

Oh, I love it...My little four year old kiddo told me she knew where babies come out of your tummy at. When I asked her how she knew that, she explained that everything seems to come out down there, so that must be where babies come out too.

I asked her not to tell her friends.

I'm still getting phone calls.....

Maja said...

You are sooooo hilarious.

Arizona Mamma said...

Isn't it amazing how we fumble and stammer through these talks? My nephew, when asked by his mom what he thought sex was, said "It's like when you put your privates together, and pee or somethin'." Close, dude...but there should be no peeing involved ;)

ModernMom said...

LOL Love this. Girls especially like when you explain and name the boy parts!

Aries said...

Hi! I just wrote about how I explain sex to my 2 sons in my previous post. Thanks for sharing. I like to know how other parents handle this question too.

Katie said...

hahahahahah Oh my gosh...not looking forward to moments like this.

Stopping by from SITS

w said...

i'm glad the word m*ist wasn't used in your conversation.

The Mother said...

My solution to these talks:

I revert to my biology background and start with prokaryotic cells and binary fission...

And generally lose their interest in about two minutes. Try it; it works.

leigh said...

Not to laugh at your misfortune, but that's just funny right there!

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