Friday, January 22, 2010

FANTASTIC FLASHBACK FRIDAY SNOTNESS!

ACHOOO! What? *sniff* HACK. Ewww.

Man! My daughter has been sick all week, which, was sort of OK, because I was on my massively-psysho, must-clean-every-closet-and-nook-and-cranny-in-my-home, cleaning trip. So while she hacked and snotted all over the place, I watched The Office episodes on Netflix and cleaned like Agassi on Meth (though he knows now, as I have known forever, that Meth is not necessary for manic cleaning, merely motivation is all you need, NOT Meth. PSA done.)

Now don't go thinking I am one of those amazingly organized and cool moms for having TOTALLY clean closets and for removing 15 bags of stuff from my home; It was penance really, because there is no excuse for a SAHM to have such chaos existing in a tiny apartment. It was bad.

So now that I have paid my bills, cleaned the house AND plucked my eyebrows, I am COMPLETELY ready to be sick for the weekend, thanks to said daughter who so generously shared her snot-ridden disease with me! YES! *doing the cabbage patch with tissues stuck up my nose*

Oh wait, that was a bad idea! *head pounding, sweating and HACK HACK!*

Oh YUCK what is that? Gross!"

So, how appropriate that it is Friday, allowing me to not think and simply post my...

FANTASTIC FLASHBACK FRIDAY FUNNESS!

Oh man RUN! Kitty is about to sneeze, and being sneezed on by a cat is worse than dog farts! Seriously RUUUUUUUUUUN!

Well first, stick around and read my post down there. Yeah, I've posted this before but, I'm sick so humor me (sick with a cold you sarcastic sillies) BUT it has revisions, because this is my blog and I do what I want. It's like, my Third Edition, and it is awesome.

And, if you're sick too, maybe you'll relate, and laugh, and the laughter will cure you, and then I can be credited with your healing, and then I can bottle and patent and sell this post as a cold remedy and cure the world of the Cold Virus and become rich and famous and pay someone else to clean my closets. I need a nap.





* * *
You Are One Sick Mother...

About 5 pm yesterday the smack-down happened; I was minding my own business when suddenly my throat decided it was time to set itself on fire. Hmmm, I thought to myself, I wonder if this is the result of my son sneezing directly into my face as I was flossing his teeth two days ago? Probably, I surmise, since the stench of his puss-filled tonsils wasn't successful in knocking me out initially, The Cold thought it would give it a try. So, I am sick. Have you had day like this?

You feel The Cold creep over, tap on your shoulder, and ask if it can ruin your life for a while. You shake your head no and pretend that it isn't crawling into your nose and orifices, cackling crazily as it looks for ways to infiltrate your mucous membranes and lymph nodes. You continue on with your day, cooking, driving, meeting, cleaning, blogging, ignoring, overcoming, and when your work is done, you convince yourself that you're just a little "worn down" from your awesomeness. So, you get into bed and say to yourself, "I'll be fine in the morning."

WRONGNESS!

See, during the night The Cold found the key you had hidden under the mat and he took up residence in your head, changing the interior design you had worked on so diligently (ya know, with your vitamins, healthy eating and consistent exercise. psh) into a raging mess of green phlegm and rapidly multiplying bacteria, all the while laughing as he turned up the thermostat.

Morning comes and you stagger out of bed, met by two equally snotty children, who are bouncing around like excited electrons, because apparently The Cold has no hold on their ability to move, like he does on you. This makes The Cold THAT much more not awesome. Because see, you just can't plop on the couch with great cold meds and Netflix watch instantly epis of your favorite shows. Oh no. You're a parent. Deal.

You pour orange juice over their cereal and stumble like a lame Zombie over to the couch as they scream in disapproval over your recent culinary decisions. You need to go to the bathroom, but, it can wait as you mumble though a few phone calls to cancel, uh, your life...

You know today is going to be a great day for the kids, full of TV, games, and junk food, and you don't care. You will do whatever it takes to stop them from walking...their feet on the carpet causes cranial pain beyond comprehension. You are out of cold meds, so you down 18 Children's Tylenol tablets. There's breakfast!

And then it starts:

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I need MILK! Not juice!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! He put glue in my hair!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Where is the remote!??
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I broke the remote!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Before you can blink it is lunch time. You haven't gone pee yet for fear that your head will explode if you get up, but you arise anyway because kids are on your lap, bouncing mercilessly and breathing on you, which is like daggers in your eyes AND full bladder.

Figuring food is merely secondary to survival (because you think so clearly while ill), you throw down some bread and lay peanut butter in a stripe (why is the peanut butter white? you don't care) and sprinkle chocolate chips all over it, and zap it in the microwave. You don't remember putting the food on the table, or how you got to the bathroom, but thank goodness you did as you haven't peed in nineteen hours and you are convinced it is now coming out your nose. Oh no, that's just snot. Lots of it.

Cartoons are over and a Jerry Springer show comes on, but you figure this one exposure is OK since the remote is now broken and the TV is all the way across the room and thus out of reach. Husband calls to check on you.

"Hi hon!'

"nnnnnnnhhhhhhh"

"Uh, not feeling good, huh?"

"nnnnnnnhhgggggggggmmmmbbb"

"Kids ok?"

"nhhh?"

"Do you need me to come home?"

"Nnnnnnne hmmm hnnnh hfffff gggg!!!"

You are PRAYING he understood that you actually said, "YES IMMEDIATELY!" but instead he interprets your lack of vowel usage to mean you are totally rebounding from this onslaught of disease as he says, "love you!" and hangs up. You think to yourself, oh, he is SO getting this Cold! I will SO snot all over his face as soon as he walks in that door!

The room continues to spin as you lose consciousness from time to time, finding yourself sometimes in the kitchen making something with chocolate chips, breaking up fights, or sliding off the couch.

You make it to 5pm and hubby comes home, finding piles of clothes in strange places, dishes all over the house, snot rags covering the couch and the kids running around yelling, "mom fed us chocolate chips and mayonnaise for lunch! Dad, what is a 'babydaddy'?" Hubby looks at you and asks, "what's for dinner?"

You throw the phone, and a take out menu, toward his kneecaps and crawl to the bathroom as your kids bound after you, asking where their glue went and if it's OK to put apples in the dryer.

Somehow you manage to lock the door just as the kids start banging on it, screaming "MOOOOOOOOOM" for about 5 minutes, until hubby comes over and says, "you ok?"

"mmmmmmmmmmgnbgngggggggg"

"Ok...you want sweet-n-sour or cashew chicken?"

"mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmbbbngggg?"

"Ok, I'll order that."

Prostrate on the floor, you see a magazine left there by hubby, you pick it up to read it, but decide that the floor is much more interesting.

The scum and debris on the floor is making you feel worse, so you throw several shampoo bottles at the light switch and somehow get it to turn off, but now you will have to clean up shampoo that has splattered all over the wall. No time to think about that while you are busy trying not to die.

The ringing of the doorbell brings you back to life and you move in Matrix-style slow motion to the table to eat some take out. But, your head feels like the inside of a bass drum and it is pounding so severely that you will have to time your chewing to the pulsing in order to just bring your teeth together.

Hubby finally gets that you are SICK because you eat one bite of food and start to cry. He sees your crusty eyes, the wad of toilet paper stuck in one nostril, and snot running out of the other, and says, "maybe you should go to be-" and with that you fly up the stairs, lock the door and fall into the bed.

Yeah, tomorrow should be a better day...


13 comments:

Ian said...

The best part, for me of the entire post was this:

"So now that I have paid my bills, cleaned the house AND plucked my eyebrows"

LOOL and plucked my eyebrows. IDK, I just found that funny.

Don't forget to visit Chuck Norris, he's hanging out at my blog ready to give you something

Much More Than Mommy said...

So basically, what you're saying through the phlegm and hacking, is...

MOMMIES DON'T GET SICK DAYS!!!

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Whenever I'm sick, my husband is supposed to say "Dear, you look sexier than ever. Go ahead and rest. I'll do the chores."

Being married 20 years has its advantages.

robin said...

that post was one of your best kim! i am sick today and laughed so hard that i almost hlkjhflkhfdlkmmmmd all over the place! happy friday!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

oh man. Yeah, feel better! I always catch EVERYTHING the kids have. Why do we feel the need to get all up in their grills when they're sick?

The Retired One said...

ahhhhh, honey....I am SO sorry I gave you my cold....
yep, have had it since MONDAY, after my visit with the grandkids.
UGH!
I have this ball of phlegm that just floats on the back of my throat. Nope it will NOT go down...nope it really doesn't come up....I have to keep clearing my throat in this AHEM sound all the time..and I have spent the last 4 or 5 nights trying to sleep siting up at ninety degrees.
Isn't life great?????

My Lipstick Life said...

Sux to be you! My son is sick too and I am hoping this is not an occasion when he gets good at sharing - which he sucks at... Feel better soon!

Sarah said...

I want a video of that snotty Cabbage Patch!

Ottavia said...

Sorry to hear you are sick but that was a great post!!

Freebiemom said...

LMAO, I absolutely loved that post - I'm with Sarah: we want a pic of that snotty cabbage Patch!

w said...

lamaye. you're sick and i didn't evarn get to talk to you today.

dude. i was cullmpledley unaware of the agassi/meth dramaya.

Vickie said...

Oh, I hope you feel better. Hopefully the cold will not be so bad.

Your flashback was pretty much me about three weeks ago.

I tell my husband that when he is sick, the world must stop but when I am sick, it's who gives a crap. He tells me no that is not true.

Pft..

bella said...

Hi Kim and Happy SITS day. I hope that you feel better really soon! You have a really nice blog! Roz

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