Thursday, April 23, 2009

Yum Yum Gum

So I talked about how my kids went to that fantastic dentist here recently, and how even though it was their first time they had no cavities and great looking teeth (because of my obsession with flossing and scrubbing). Well, while we were there, it came up somehow, that once they lived through a dentist appointment, they would be allowed to have gum. That is when the dentist said in a very staccato and poignant way, “you two are allowed to have as much sugarless gum as you want!”

Now stop here, hold the phone, or whatever electronic device you have. Um, I am the mom, right? And um…I don’t particularly love aspartame, so uh…why did you not consult me, dentistry person, before you promised my children such a ridiculous promise? And besides, I grew up CONSTANTLY chewing gum LOADED with sugar and I have not one cavity for you to fill! Aspartame, however, will make me throw up. See where I am going here?

So anyway, I was ready to go out and buy oodles of gum that would bring back nostalgic memories and allow us hours of fun blowing bubbles and picking it out of our hair and nostrils.

Uh…

Hey y’all…

Where did all the gum go?

Ya know, like Bubbalicious, Hubba Bubba, Bubble Yum, Double Bubble, Big League Chew, and Bazooka for the love of pete?? (Nah, chuck the Bazooka...the jokes weren't even good.)

‘Cause see, I was quite the collector and chewer of gum in the 80’s. I was a sort of pubescent, and cuter, Gollum, giggling as I obsessively counted each piece I had, stacking my treasure in hidden compartments in my room by flavor, size and number. I could never stick enough Big League Chew in my mouth either and man, watermelon gum just made my day that much better.

WHERE IS IT ALL??? Don’t you remember when the STORE had these items? Did all this gum disappear like the weight stats of models in Vogue and Cosmopolitan? (You don’t remember that you say? Well, I do!)

I mean, I see like bubblegum “tape” among shelves of Altoids and Orbit, and a bazillion different kinds of sugarless gum, but c’mon, where are the rows and rows of endless yummy gum I remember as a kid? Please don’t tell me hidden somewhere in Wal-Mart, I have already stayed up too late lamenting this loss and writing this post.

I have no idea how my son even figured out how to blow bubbles using two tiny sticks of Trident bubble flavored sugarless gum (yak!) That is a talent I never had to call upon because I actually had plenty of stretchy, flavorful, sugar-infused gum at my disposal that didn’t require my jaw be repositioned after chewing it for 30 minutes.

So tell me all, am I insane? (well, yes I know I am but…) Is there still gum out there that I remember, in the same packaging, flavors, and remarkably high sugar content? Are there kids still using peanut butter to get it out of their hair and their bedroom carpet, or cutting off big locks of hair when parents aren’t looking? Are there kids still the verge of choking every second because they have an entire Big League Chew pack in their mouth? For goodness sake how are dentists making any money these days? Do I ever need to go BACK to a dentist? WHERE IS THE FRIGGIN’ GUM??? Have I just been living under a rock all this time? Could someone please help me? What is happening to this country?


10 comments:

It's All About Nails! said...

That's just a too, too hilarious gum rant! I thought I'd pop in and say "Hi" since I link to your blog from mine... I found you through Bill's blog... then found out from Heather that you found Bill through Heather's sister who found him through Heather. Clear as mud? Anyway, I enjoy your blog, keep posting!

robin said...

i think the gum left with THE FREAKIN' CANDY CIGARETTES!big league chew....candy cigarettes. gone ....alll gone.

i miss zoo stripes. they had lemon flavor!!!! but it lasted for only ten seconds.....

Jennifer said...

Nope, you're not crazy. Unless you go to some specialty candy store, the only gum that seems to be out there is CHEWING gum (which equals BORING, in my book). Boooo! You're lucky if you find the tape gum or Bubbalicious. *sniff*

Insanity Kim said...

Hi Nails!

Very cool yes I went to school w/ Heather and her sis...in fact I think I had yearbook w/ Heather...good ol' days, when there was BUBBLEGUM! *sob!* Thanks for linking to my blog and look forward to seeing you around! :)

Jennifer...where is the specialty store? WHERE?? My goal now is to have real bubblegum! Shouldn't we all want that? Wouldn't this be a better place??

And Robs, I think you're right when I think about it. Cigarettes ruin everything! Yeah I remember that gum! You chewed the whole pack in like 3 minutes because it lost it's flavor so dang fast! Sigh. Good times.

Kearsie said...

Dang. This post really has me hankering for some Watermelon Hubba Bubba.

w said...

dude, seriously? there's gum everywhere. hubba bubba, all of the sugar filled gum is in florida. mainly because it's a quick denture fixer.

my precious precious edtra sugar filled gum. just not mayernaise flavor.

i know. sad. mayerbe and mayernaise are so overused.

Banteringblonde said...

My kids obsess over gum... drives me nuts!

ModernMom said...

Oh such a great post!
Just found you via Manic Mother and have to tell you how much I appreciate the walk down memory lane. I loved Big League Chew as a kid. They don't make gum like they used to!

unpopularmom said...

Oh I love vintage candy/gum!

Jennifer said...

I live in kind of a small town and we have a kind of small gas station/convenience store down the street. It was real gum and I bought some Big League Chew for my son after his baseball game the other night. (Don't tell his dentist, okay?)

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