Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tuesday Twitters

I am scared of the extra firewood in the cloth bags behind my chair. I am sure that alien Black Widow spiders will take up residence there soon and breed billions of alien babies. I carefully vacuum around it. It makes me feel daring and ALIVE! Heh heh…

When I am doing something important, like drying my hair, I close one eye. That is because my brain is all messed up, ya know, and closing one eye shuts off the short circuits that cause it to be difficult to blow my hair dry with two eyes open. You following me here? Seriously, are you following me?

I am so sick of cleaning my house.

My kids tried unsuccessfully to pick my nose for 10 minutes last night. Yeah, it was weird. Poor kids. I need to get them more toys.

Cutting chicken on the middle rack of an open oven that is at 400 degrees, so it will cook faster, is NOT a good idea. Be happy I lived to tell about it, and warn you…

I am getting my PMS headache. Stand.back.now.

Have you ever washed a clothes hanger? I have. GO ME!!!

Sometimes there is nothing better than downing a huge bowl of pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese, especially when I am not thinking about Ped Eggs.

Ya know, I really like Joan Rivers. Is that wrong? She is on Celebrity Apprentice right now and you know what? I want her to win. Melissa? Mmmm, no. she can go. Away.

So my friend (s) got me to watch Twilight (Edward, psh), and I made one specific friend listen to John Mayer. She didn’t like him. We are now in friend therapy.

Don't diss the Mayer.

Oh yeah, by the way, my skin SO sparkles in the sun! That is SO not original. Because see, I AM that white.

My kids are in a new phase of fighting/nagging/screaming constantly. I am in a new phase of digging my nails into the wall and carving out holes that I can crawl into in order to hide from them.

I now love working out, not because I will soon look like a hot 20-something celeb, but because I get to watch HGTV at the clubhouse while I rock the elliptical. My priorities have changed, and I seriously miss cable TV.

Oh hey! I am now contributing to a site called Sited and Blogged. I do recipes every other Monday, and my Twitters and other amazing posts are on there too…just a shameless plug. Yeah…


w said...

i did not diss him. i only said my ears hurt. dude. he dated jessica simpson. and a bunch of other sloppy seconds. oh. snap.

i need to ped egg today. i've been keeping the shavings for you. i'll send them to you in a pretty jar. don't snort them. you may, however, eat them if you want. they're organic.

cable tv still shows re-runs of mayer ed.

Vickie said...

I have seen that Sited and Blogged and I checked it out once. But since I now know someone in it, I will check it out again:)

I see that you are also trying to get my blue necklace from the giveaway.

I was just at the store today and that pedi egg thinky looks like it has a million little razors. It looks like it will hurt.

Jennifer said...

I just tried the shutting one eye thing while blow drying my hair. I don't shut, I squint... ;-)

The Retired One said...

1. Who on earth puts their wood in cloth bags? For God's sake woman, don't you know that is like providing the spiders the penthouse suite in the best hotel to mate in? Hope you got the suite with the hot tub. I mean, why not give them everything?

2. when I have to close one eye (to take a photo for instance) both my eyes squint. I have to try like crazy to keep one open. (Which makes for some interesting pictures). Are we related? Am I your twin opposite?

3.I have the perfect solution for you. Come clean MY house.

4. Forget the toys. Teach them how to pick your pimples instead. It will be good training for when they hit their teens.

5. Just as long as you weren't "cutting the cheese".

6. Just get your uterus cut out, like me. Wholla..no more PMS headaches! So what if you have hot flashes every 30 seconds. (I bet it will melt that chicken). No, not THAT chicken...the one you mentioned. Dirty girl.

7. Yes, I have washed a clothes hanger. And a sanitary pad. Thanks for that lovely flashback.

8. Can't you just think of the Ped Egg dust as Parmesan? Yum. And free too. If you need more, I've got some for ya.

9. Joan Rivers? Can't stand her. Gives all of us Joan's bad names. For God's sake...if she gets any more plastic surgery, her eyes are going to meet her ears. Melissa is spoiled. Her mom spent over a million dollars on her wedding and planned every detail. (I suppose since she spent so much money, she thought she should do whatever she wanted). What about the bride and groom's choices,huh??? Huh??

10. Twilight? I am the only person on the face of the earth that hasn't seen it or read the series. Do I care? nope.

11. If you took the Pedegg after that pearly skin, it would be ragged and red. There, problem solved! (or you could just go outside and tan?)

12. Well, now that you have the holes in the wall you can rock climb instead of using the elliptical. Think of the money you could save from going to the gym?

13. Rock hard body, that's great...but you will still have that pasty white skin (or red from the Ped egg rubbing).

14. I will try and hop over to your shameless plug and check it out!
Oh..and you did really good with the Best of the Blogs thing..congrats! Many, many votes. Me? I think I got 10 if I was lucky. ha

The Retirement Chronicles

Insanitykim said...


1. Well, the bags were easy to carry the wood home in, and I must say being from AK I didn't know much about spiders. I am afraid to touch them now!

2. Our "love" for lingerie leads me to believe there is shared blood somewhere...

3. By clean you mean sit on your gorgeous furniture and bird watch out that ginormous window, right?

4. Man, you're right; that would keep them busy for HOURS!

5. That might have made the chicken cook faster, actually...

6. Heh heh...don't tempt me...

7. How about lipstick? Or the memory card for your camera with all your pictures from the zoo on it? *raising hand*

8. (Retch!) No thanks I (mmmmmmffff) have had several offers and (GAG!) I'm good, thanks...

9. Well, actually Joan scared the poo out of me last night (and I am not talking about her latest botox treatment), and I immediately thought of amending my blog post; glad there are other people out there named Joan that don't scare me! ;)

10. Well I was under duress and forced to watch the movie. See, I was going for being the only 30 something w/o tattoos, piercings, an Iphone, or ever seeing/reading Twilight; I failed. Do YOU like John Mayer???

11. ACK! That visual hurts me. Tan...hmmmm

12. You are so incredibly PRAGMATIC!! I have so much to learn from you.

13. Thank goodness the clubhouse gym is free; now I can waste my money on tanning sessions and endless mole extractions and biopsies...

14. Thanks! Yeah, do we have to PAY people to vote?! Sheesh...at least we are here for each other, right? :)

Kearsie said...

My Twitters for today:

I really don't like referring to Wednesday as Hump Day. Or Business Time. I need more random in my week.

I read that there are thousands of bacteria on the bottom of your feet. Now that whole Parmesan/Ped Egg thing is enough to make me ralph.

It occurs to me that my Keyboard Confessions and your Tuesday Twitters are really the same.

I haven't had a drop to drink today and now I feel very much like a dried up raisin you find on your floor four months after you made oatmeal raisin cookies.

I give up on acne. It can just take over my face. I just don't care anymore.

This is my maddening cycle: realize hands are dry, put on lotion, hands slip on everything, wash lotion off, realize hands are dry, put on lotion, hands slip on everything...

The Retired One said...

You have been tagged :-D

The Retirement Chronicles

Banteringblonde said...

Oh I am so tired of cleaning ... I still haven't seen/read twilight!

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