Sunday, April 26, 2009

When Baby Penguins Attack

I am gonna try and keep this short ya’all, and instead show you some very GRAPHIC and SCARY footage…so be ready to be shocked and scared beyond comprehension.

Because see, I am slowly recovering from a serious and near fatal baby penguin attack, actually I am slowly recovering from several attacks from several baby penguins. I am seeking PTSD therapy and a lawyer at this time.

It all started when I came up with the idea of taking the kids to the Newport Aquarium to pet and interact with Penguins in a special exhibit that costs quite a bit of money. I figured this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and all that money we shelled out went to help the dwindling population of these docile, friendly creatures…

Creatures that FEED ON HUMAN FLESH!

Before we got into the Room of Torture, the mastermind-- er, trainer, for the penguins rattled off the rules, and I dutifully repeated them quietly to my kids in a threatening manner. Then, I completely forgot the rules and/ or threw them out the window when I sat down and the penguins repeatedly tried to rip off my leg flesh with furious intensity.

What was it about me? My extremely pale face and black jacket and shoes? Did I smell good, or, worse, BAD? Could they see my sparkly skin? Did they hear me say I hated the movie “Happy Feet”? Why could my six and 8-year-old stay WAAAAY more composed than I? (even though Jacob had his fair share of assault and battery).

It’s a wonder I didn’t get kicked out because of all my screaming, rule breaking, and ability to film it beautifully and artistically with my shiny "penguin attracting camera and it's strap", all while being chewed into hamburger meat. Please, take the 12 minutes required, of your precious time, and watch these riveting videos. Man, I think I still have the bruise from when the baby bit me in the second video. I still can’t wear shorts! (Well…there are many more reasons why I can’t wear shorts, but let’s just stick with penguin mauling for now). Enjoy the carnage!




9 comments:

w said...

"vegetarian" vampires eat penguins. that's what came to mind.

it's late. i haven't any edculvarmay words in my brain. sad. i know. help?

hahahahah. help.

Kearsie said...

You know, this one time? At band camp? I totally got attacked by a butterfly. For real. Like, it just went after me. I felt those scary wings and everything. Actually, it almost flew into my eye and caused momentary blindness.

Just kidding. Does the penguin bite resemble a continent?

Jennifer said...

It seems to me that the staff at the Newport Aquarium have a bad habit of blaming the victim (you!) Particularly in the first video, that lady was getting a bit snippy with you for what was clearly the penguin's fault! I was waiting to see if you might just launch that biting penguin across the room with a swift kick when it came back after it bit you!

Modern Mom said...

They're so cute but didn't know they could attack even if you we're just sitting still. Did it hurt?

I am Harriet said...

No way!
They actually let you in there with them?

Wow.

Jennifer said...

If you press for it, you could make a KILLING from your lawsuit! This video is gonna be the clincher in court!

Insanity Kim said...

HAHHA!

While I won't be using these videos as evidence for litigation (I suspect it would be thrown out of court when the judge saw me give my purse to the penguin while saying, "ataaaaaaaack!", I will say that acclimating new penguins to the general public may not be the best method, I mean, it's $25 per person so...and yes, it hurt, I got a welt and bruise on my calf from when the baby bit me at the end of the second video, through my jeans mind you!! I would do it again though, it was strangely fun and exciting! (heh heh)

sam said...

hahahahahahahaha its so funny loool

robin said...

pleeeease take me to see this action when i come for a visit??? however, i would like to sit a few rows behind you and remain anonymous....

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