Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Hairy Situation

So while I have my own personal reasons for avoiding “mom jeans” (and halter tops, thongs, skorts, Uggs, and fanny packs, either all together or separately) I made some decisions that, for basically a year, could not stop me from avoiding “Three Musketeer Hair”.

Now…disclosure here. I mean to offend NO ONE. It’s just that, there is a certain “look” that I call “Three Musketeer hair”, which for me, often translates into, “I have given up on my looks” or, “I am SO indentured to my children/busy lifestyle to the point that styled hair is as important as being poked in both eyes, or “I desperately desire to wear a tunic, feathered hat and wield a sword.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that but…

Because see, I had hair EXACTLY like this…

(I was also a Pussycat Doll in my head)

And then…I cut it off…

All of it.

I thought, yeah! Trendy, cute, cool! I look like a pixie! (Seriously, my ears pick up submarine radar they stick out so far, this chick can't help the government like I can.)

Easy to fix, easy to style. No ponytails or need to comb. But, as always, (or as sometimes anyway) I didn’t think it through, and then had to deal with…

1. Two kids, who, for whatever reason, thought only boys, men, and grandmas could have short hair, and thus they became deeply disturbed by my short hair. Whether they thought I was a man, boy, or grandma I did not ask. I assure you though that I did nothing to foster this thinking, and I believe the kids at the park are to blame, or the fact that I don’t let my kids out of the house, other than to go to the park, apparently where appropriately haired children, creepy men, and grandmothers play.

2. The fact that eventually I would tire of the short hair, being called “sir”, and the constant cutting, which I took on myself with the help of a bathroom mirror and a lot of “guts”. During this senseless hacking phase I had many different “styles”, using nothing sharper than garden shears.

3. Remembering my hair, looks like this long, naturally,


Of course, there was only one thing to do, grow out my hair.

This announcement made my kids incredibly happy. I am not sure why, maybe because they miss pulling on it, purposefully or not.

For a while, I was able to somehow manage some cute shapes, er…styles, in my hair while it grew out, but, eventually, it got to the stage I hate the most; the Three Musketeer Hair.

And darn it to heck I cannot find a picture that truly captures what I am talking about (including no pictures of me because HELLO I hate it!). So, I will have to describe it: brown, just below chin-length, not sleek straight, and not wavy in a fun, sexy or even cute way (more in a “whoa, Johnny Depp has long hair? Did he comb it?” way). It’s not too thin, not too thick, but in no way, “just right”. I have a “cowlick” right in the front of my hairline too, which was great for the 80’s and will be great again when I am 80, but not right now. It’s basically a bob gone terribly wrong; during that phase I can’t get it all in a ponytail, and though I hate it, I just can’t bring myself to cut it because at LEAST it is length, and if I cut it, then it’s getting cut OFF. This, is the epitome of the lame “Three Musketeer Hair” phase for me.

So during this phase I sort of tune out my appearance, avoid mirrors, and carry around a sword, or bow and arrow. My son enjoys this phase the most.

And I am writing this ridiculously long and irrelevant post because in the last month I realized my hair has passed the phase! I was able to cut long layers into it and…I now…have…a…STYLE! I call it the “I will NEVER cut my hair again!” phase.

So back comes the black hair dye (since gray strands have made a horrifying appearance recently) and the goal of getting these amazing locks back down near the center of my back, if not my derriere, because nothing says "I'm defying my age" like superwoman Pussycat Doll runway-ready hair.

See, aren’t you happy you read this?


w said...

i like my tunic and sword and peacock feather. why you gotta hate on me like that?

please tell me when you had the johnny depp hair - it was only on the top of your head - and not on your chin. black and white woman scream.

ed has nice hair. it's longer than mike's. but shorter than john's. yes. we're just going for the direct approach here. because it doesn't matter. people have no idea what i'm talking about. well. other than you.

Stacy Uncorked said...

I can totally relate - when you're used to long hair and cut it ALL off, it seems to take forever to get through all the various stages...especially the 3 musketeer stage. I'm so glad you finally got to a 'stylish' mode so you can stop carrying around the sword or bow and arrow... ;)

Banteringblonde said...

I've had mine short for quite awhile ...I did the pixie thing and have now grown it out a bit. I'm not sure how long I'll get it before I chop it again!

Insanitykim said...

w - I got over the Johnny Depp hair about 7 months ago...I want to erase it from my mayery...ohhhh that one was edspecially criptic...var har har! Sigh...

Stacey, yes me too! Man I need to learn when something ain't broke, don't break it, er, whatever...cut it? But,

Banteringblonde I keep doing that too! Looooooooong then cut it all off...I have done it three times since I was 17, so it's like every 5 years I freak out. My plan is to have an intervention performed on me the next time I want to look like tinkerbell... ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I loved your short hair and I thought it was very hot... sooooooo, I still don't exactly know what "three Musketeer Hair" is but I'm sure it's not as bad as you make it out to be. After all, we all do this right?

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I remember when I cut my hair really short. It was a total impulse decision..and a terrible one! It took forever for my hair to grow back...and I totally remember the awkward "growing it out" parts...and the "want to cut it because it looks too weird but then I have to start all over again" feeling.

Glad to hear its grown out enough for you that you are past the yucky stage! lol

Kearsie said...

Dude, I have that cowlick too. Also, I have the Roseanna Roseanna Danna look. And to make it even better, I got the in-the-face bangs.

I think Sinead was on to something.

Mary K Brennan said...

I cut all my hair right after my first child. Funny how you think that although you have long naturally curly hair, when you cut it, it will magically become straight, easy to control with no frizz. (So far from the truth). Can anyone say Orphan Annie? No amount of product could help. Thanks for reminding me the reasons I still keep it long.

Anonymous said...

I can't feel your long lovely locks pain. My naturally curly hair (tight stinkin curls) were always the bane of my existance. I could never have long flowing locks because when it hit my shoulders it thought afro was the word of the day! Anyway, I'm trying (hard) to get past the "dude looks like a lady" thing and be happy looking masculine! (NOT IN THIS LIFETIME) HAHA

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