I Cannot Write This Stuff...

I recently sat down for a marathon night of The Price is Right, with my 7-year-old and 5-year-old, because that is what we do when daddy is at a conference. We were watching it on-line, which means there are less commercials assaulting their impressionable little minds, and it's a fairly smooth ride through a show of “fabulous fun and prizes” that the whole family can enjoy. So I thought…

Because suddenly out came Jack Waggoner.

Yea, weird right? He ran out and told Drew that since the Bold and the Beautiful Set was right next to The Price is Right set, they could hear the screams of the crowd during his important, ahem, “love scene”. Ummmm…

I ignored this, thinking, what a STUPID cameo, but, I knew this would make no sense to my kids. Focus on the fabulous prizes, I told them, and not the weird man talking about something called, “love scenes”. This went over without incident.

All was well again, as the kids became hysterically excited over skin treatment lines, his and her mopeds and shiny dishwashers. They sat totally enthralled as the merchandise hungry contestants bid on electric vegetable peelers, outside thermometers and in-home gyms, and yeah! a car!…no wait…

Out comes Jack…again.

This time, his shirt was open, there was lipstick all over his mouth and “kisses” everywhere on his shirt. He announced that he and this "new" actress were on the couch “doing the scene” and the crowd was still too loud, thus ruining "the moment". My kids said nothing. I sat horrified. I pretended that it was not happening, and, like an idiot, I figured this was as bad as it was gonna get and kept watching, because the Big Wheel was next!

Oh, I forgot to mention, every 20-second commercial was for a sweepstakes hosted by CBS. For a free colonoscopy. I.am.not.kidding.

Have you tried to explain a colonoscopy to YOUR child?

This commercial is SERIOUS people! I don’t swear, but WHAT THE…?? Is the wave of the future health care sweepstakes??

We get to the wheel, and my BP is back to normal, when…

You guessed it!

Jack ran onto the set again. With only a towel on. At this point I was not sure what he said, because I was yelling VERY loudly to my kids that he was going to the pool, over and over again. THEN, he zips on a faux six-pack foam abdomen, and THEN, he turns around and flashes Drew. This had to be the most confusing 2 minutes of my kids' lives.

He returned at the end of the show, telling the crowd they could now scream all they wanted, because he was “done”, and the Barker Beauties, (or whatever they are now) pawed at him whilst wearing bathing suits. The writers need to be fired. Seriously. It was terrible. It was like watching Mr. Rogers get a colonoscopy.

Here is what my poor children gathered from this night of Game Show Carnage:

*Dishwashers are VERY cool and shiny.

*That guy got kisses. LOTS and LOTS of kisses. And he wears lipstick.

*The girls liked him. A lot.

*The girls are pretty (“how do they get all these beautiful women to show the prizes?” says my 7-year-old son, who now showers for girls.)

*Jack went to the pool, "‘cause mom screamed that he did." And he wore a very strange floating device, so he wouldn't drown.

*Colonoscopies won through the CBS sweepstakes include a 2-night stay at a lush resort in California.

I could NOT have made this up. And obviously I am a deranged mother, because the first thing I thought was, “I must blog about this.”