Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I Cannot Write This Stuff...

I recently sat down for a marathon night of The Price is Right, with my 7-year-old and 5-year-old, because that is what we do when daddy is at a conference. We were watching it on-line, which means there are less commercials assaulting their impressionable little minds, and it's a fairly smooth ride through a show of “fabulous fun and prizes” that the whole family can enjoy. So I thought…

Because suddenly out came Jack Waggoner.

Yea, weird right? He ran out and told Drew that since the Bold and the Beautiful Set was right next to The Price is Right set, they could hear the screams of the crowd during his important, ahem, “love scene”. Ummmm…

I ignored this, thinking, what a STUPID cameo, but, I knew this would make no sense to my kids. Focus on the fabulous prizes, I told them, and not the weird man talking about something called, “love scenes”. This went over without incident.

All was well again, as the kids became hysterically excited over skin treatment lines, his and her mopeds and shiny dishwashers. They sat totally enthralled as the merchandise hungry contestants bid on electric vegetable peelers, outside thermometers and in-home gyms, and yeah! a car!…no wait…

Out comes Jack…again.

This time, his shirt was open, there was lipstick all over his mouth and “kisses” everywhere on his shirt. He announced that he and this "new" actress were on the couch “doing the scene” and the crowd was still too loud, thus ruining "the moment". My kids said nothing. I sat horrified. I pretended that it was not happening, and, like an idiot, I figured this was as bad as it was gonna get and kept watching, because the Big Wheel was next!

Oh, I forgot to mention, every 20-second commercial was for a sweepstakes hosted by CBS. For a free colonoscopy. I.am.not.kidding.

Have you tried to explain a colonoscopy to YOUR child?

This commercial is SERIOUS people! I don’t swear, but WHAT THE…?? Is the wave of the future health care sweepstakes??

We get to the wheel, and my BP is back to normal, when…

You guessed it!

Jack ran onto the set again. With only a towel on. At this point I was not sure what he said, because I was yelling VERY loudly to my kids that he was going to the pool, over and over again. THEN, he zips on a faux six-pack foam abdomen, and THEN, he turns around and flashes Drew. This had to be the most confusing 2 minutes of my kids' lives.

He returned at the end of the show, telling the crowd they could now scream all they wanted, because he was “done”, and the Barker Beauties, (or whatever they are now) pawed at him whilst wearing bathing suits. The writers need to be fired. Seriously. It was terrible. It was like watching Mr. Rogers get a colonoscopy.

Here is what my poor children gathered from this night of Game Show Carnage:

*Dishwashers are VERY cool and shiny.

*That guy got kisses. LOTS and LOTS of kisses. And he wears lipstick.

*The girls liked him. A lot.

*The girls are pretty (“how do they get all these beautiful women to show the prizes?” says my 7-year-old son, who now showers for girls.)

*Jack went to the pool, "‘cause mom screamed that he did." And he wore a very strange floating device, so he wouldn't drown.

*Colonoscopies won through the CBS sweepstakes include a 2-night stay at a lush resort in California.

I could NOT have made this up. And obviously I am a deranged mother, because the first thing I thought was, “I must blog about this.”


10 comments:

w said...

i'm laughing. and at the same time i'm furiously cursing. i'm at odds with myself.

that's all i can think of. that and a maytan fridge costs $875 these days. don't go over that price.

TheClayMuse said...

Wow.. I don't recall that kind of stuff going on when Bob was hosting!
Thanks for the morning laugh!

Kearsie said...

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
*wipes eyes*

Try explaining erectile disfunction to your kids. Or Summers Eve.

The Retired One said...

Well, that's it...since I am a nurse, I think I will offer a free enema on my blogsite as a contest. What do you think? Winner idea??????

robin said...

that is really discusting!!!!! my children get really confused when we are sitting down to watch a family show and a ton of horror movie previews come on. psh.....

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

That is so weird!

I miss Bob. I used to love watching that show, but I'm just not as into it since Drew took over.

muchmorethanmommy said...

Girl. I just blogged about the inappropriateness of what I saw on DWTS, and you thought you were all safe with your Price is Right online. TRUST NO ONE!

But now I think I need to go to cbs.com and find out about that free colonscopy. I'm due for my 3rd in a couple of years, ya know.

Jennifer said...

LOL! How random! Did they announce the colonoscopy winner yet? ;-)

Insanity Kim said...

I just found out the colonoscopy is in New York, and it's a one night stay...I was pretty tired when I wrote the post. Go to cbs.com cbs cares, or something like that. They are serious...seriously!

Lulu said...

Do you have to vedeotape-audition your butt to win the colonoscopy? I mean....all the cool reality shows do it.

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