Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Bird-Brains of Hysteria Lane

Gossip is bad. Right? Yeah, it’s bad. Especially when it involves pointing out the very worst we see in others. But, we have been tainted by the mainstream media, magazines, TV shows and “news stories” just enough to believe we have some sort of reporter/journalistic integrity and novelty when we spew out any juicy morsel that happens by our radar-sensitive eyes and ears. Just the type of behavior we want our kids to adopt, right?

Hey, I know I am on the mark here, because the Lilo and Stitch cartoon my kids just watched told me so (um, yeah, I watched it too).

But, we still want to relay juicy stories, am I right?

See, I cannot help myself. I am about to spew some really juicy gossip here! You’ll never believe what happened on Hysteria Lane with a couple of bird-brains we’ll call “Robin” and “Jack Sparrow”.

I looked out my window yesterday and noticed something strange happening in the water dish I put out for Jack Sparrow and his entourage to drink from. This water dish has been their refreshing rest-stop for many a season now, and they happily perch on the edge of the bowl and drink until they are satiated. This has consistently been the standard M.O. without any sense of deviance, but, suddenly, a transient thug, Robin, decided to jump in and take a bath! Jack, the leader and year-round resident, did not like seeing this newcomer, Robin, cleaning his nas-tay parts in the “residents-only” drinking bowl.

Jack hopped right up to Robin and was like, “what the…??”

And Robin was like, “psh.”

And Jack was all, “wha?? Wha???”

And Robin was like, “whaev-“

And Jack said, “dude!”

And Robin was all, “psh.”

And Jack was like, “dude, get out of my water dish! I don’t want to be drinkin’ your poo!”

Robin turned around and was like, “psh. this is SO my waterdish now, you Year ‘Round Yokel!”

Jack squared off, “dude, I am not 'anti-mirgration' but this is our territory, and we’ll take you out if we have to!”

Robin laughed, “we? WE?? Psh. I see you and no one else. BRING IT!”

Before I could say egg salad a fight broke out! Jack was hopping madly and fluttering wildly about the water dish, spewing taunting obscenities, as Robin stood his ground and hissed and splashed poo- tainted water into Jack’s eyes. Frightened squirrels looked on as feathers flew, beaks clicked, and angry swear words rang out.

Jack was all, “dude, you’re a freaking idiot!”

Robin laughed in his face and said, “PSH! YOU’RE A LITTLE SPARROW!”

With that, Jack flew off, and Robin laughed as he puffed out his big red chest and splashed with wild abandon, that is, until Jack came back with two of his friends.

I covered my kids’ ears and eyes as Round Two began.


Jack’s friends chuckled as they murmured, “he said 'breast'!”

Robin fired back, “c’mon you little dust balls, EAT MY POOOOOOOOO!”

Feathers and poo-water and blood covered my patio during this full-on assault, and Robin soon realized he was no match for 3 ticked-off Sparrows, fighting for their precious water dish. It seemed like forever but finally Robin flew off with a wounded foot and ego, screaming all the while, "I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!"

Jack pranced around and gloated, “Oh yeah, I AM all that and a side of earthworms!”

Then, just as I thought peace and order was restored to Hysteria Lane, and the water dish on the Patio Sanctuary, a crazed look in Jack’s eye worried me. He hesitated only for a second before HE HIMSELF JUMPED RIGHT INTO THE WATER DISH!

He friends stood by, shocked, as he splashed and laughed maniacally.

The squirrels dropped their walnuts in horror as Jack's own poo now swam in the drinking bowl.

The visiting Cardinal lost his partially-digested lunch.

Man. For all the great things Jack does around here, he sure can be a jerk sometimes.


The Retired One said...

And I thought I was a bit weird to name the birds that visit my birdfeeder.....
And, I want whatever you had for lunch right before this hallucination!!!!

robin said...

your funniest post yet! congrats! HAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Vickie said...

Funny! Thanks for the laugh.

TheClayMuse said...

Ha thats great! Thanks for the chuckle... We don't have bird fights in our yard but we do have two make squirrles who like to chirp at each other and tussle about for dominance about once a week!

w said...

that was a cull story.

sounds like *our* everyday chats.


Kearsie said...


Man, and I thought I had too much time on my hands.

Actually, I didn't think that.

Stacy Uncorked said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was pretty funny...I might have to set out a water bowl just to watch the various bird antics... ;)

LillyShayStyle said...

Lol, Very funny!

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