Wednesday, February 17, 2010

It's All Fun and Games Until You Get Cat Poop in your Eye!!

No matter how hard I try, I just ain't the cool mom.

And by cool I don't mean the mom with the freshly did highlights/lowlights, Bailey Button Bomber Uggs and a Red Bull, sitting with her Ipad at the park, but cool as in the mom who is calm, cool and collected, and doesn't scream things to her kids at the park like,

-"ACK! Don't climb that tree you'll break your leg and get gangrene!"

-"NOOOOOOOOO!! Don't sit there, I see bird poopie everywhere! Birds are EVIL!"

-"HEY!! What did I say??? Don't eat anything!"

-"Don't touch that! You need hand sanitizer!!! Yes! drink it!"


-"WHOA! Don't touch that leaf! It could be totally poisonous!"

-"FOR THE LOVE don't go near that squirrel! It has rabies or scabies or plague!"

-"I don't care where the swings are, I am sitting right here so don't go anywhere I can't see you without turning my head!"

-"In fact, don't run, don't play, don't look, don't stand in the sun!"

-Don't Don't Don't DON'T!

OK maybe it's not that bad, but, I haven't followed any parents, dragging their kids to their cars, to see if they mutter anything about the crazy woman who drove their family out of the park with her constant screaming and irrational parenting skills...more than once.


It never pays off to let go and let my kids be "kids".

No. It doesn't.

Like, when Jacob found broken glass and cut his fingers...Audrey started picking up bees, Jacob watched a friend eat a band aid, Audrey fell 4 feet to the ground from the monkey bars straight onto her tailbone, and she ate a berry that Poison Control could barely identify. See? The minute I try to let them go a little...

And you KNOW it's never good when they are alone anywhere, especially in the house, totally the time I caught them under the bed eating Styrofoam, or drawing mustaches on their faces with permanent marker, which lasted no less than 3 days...

Nope. I gotta be on them like a nose on a face. Always.

Not too long ago I was with my friends and all the kids at the school grounds. I was actually back home visiting, so the whole play date thing was a blast and I was totally loving hanging with my best girlfriends and their kids. We had a lot to catch up on, thus a lot to talk about.

So when the kids all ran off and squatted next to the school wall looking at the ground, I didn't think much of it, and figured they had found ants or marbles or something that would keep their interest for about 30 seconds before they ran off to do something else, so, after a few sideways glances and assurance from my friends that I didn't need to scream anything in their direction, I just decided to be cool.

About 2 minutes later, I couldn't help but look over, and I saw the kids dumping what looked like sand on each other's heads. For me this was an appropriate reason to step in because really, I was only guessing it was sand, because suddenly I remembered one of the kids yelling, "hey, look at all these blue rocks!" just a few seconds earlier. Blue rocks??

By the time my friends and I got over to them, all the kids had taken turns dumping the blue rocks and sand on each other's heads. Blue rocks and sand that were supposed to absorb odors. And urine. Cat urine.

How do I know this?

1. I owned cats.
2. I know what cat litter looks like.
3. I know what cat poop looks like. Even when it's laying on a school playground.

Some WONDERFUL FANTASTIC PERSON decided to dump DIRTY CAT LITTER on the school grounds! And our kids were covered in it.

My first question was,


Sigh. Never before had I thought to warn my kids of cat poop.

Suffice to say we did our best to pick what we could out of our kids' hair before gagging and crying and running through any ideas of diseases we might encounter as we lined our car seats and prepared for the waaaaaaaay too long of a drive home to decontaminate our children. I did manage to say in between my moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth, "I knew I should have jumped in with my mad, irrational parenting skills!!"

I am completely justified, right? RIGHT???


robin said...

oh man.....that is one of the grossest kid stories i have EVER heard! *shudder*

Mrs. Plank said...

I am already that mom and I'm not embarrased to admit it. My kid is already insane and she's barely past the fetus stage. So I'm preparing myself for a long, slow 18 years of emergency room visits, pooping of random objects and general bs. But its more fun that way isn't? Really, isn't it???

Kearsie said...

I try hard to be cool and throw down words like "yo, G" to kids at the park and their parents are always whispering to them to stay away. I don't get it. *eye twitch*

Dee at Pedestrian Palate said...

I would have been unable to drive home. Frozen. Incapacitated, until those children had a purell bath. I am with you.

Mass Hole Mommy said...

But Birds ARE evil.


oh kim. i give my daughter crayons to eat b/c it keeps her busy for 5 minutes. when will u ever learn? i am building up her tolerance to toxins. one crayon at a time.

Tammy said...

COMPLETELY. Helicopter Moms are underrated, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Creative Junkie said...

Wait ... is the kitty litter blue? Or does the poop turn blue when it hits the kitty litter? So if it's blue, it's dirty kitty litter?

I totally get where you're coming from and probably would have doused them in Clorox bleach for a few hours myself.

But I have to admit, blue kitty litter is oddly fascinating. And I'm 42 years old.

Lily Dawn said...

ahahaha, soooo sorry! i had a poop incident this week too~ and a brushing their teeth with Balmex incident as well...

There is something ridiculous happening every day it seems... hmmm, glad to know its not just my crazy kids! =)


Vanessa said...

That. Is. Disgusting. That is all.

Holly said...

Never had the kids play with dirty cat litter but i did have one to eat out of the cat bowl... :-/

on a less disgusting note, my daughter colored on panty hose with a Sharpie when she was three... :-) where exactly was HER mother?

Anonymous said...

That's just totally wrong that someone dumped dirty cat liter on a playground!!! All was okay, though, and your post was hysterical. I can relate to being the not-cool Mom, too.

The Retired One said...

Hhaaaahahaaaahahaa bwahhahahhaaaaaa..that was funny!!!
At least they didn't EAT the blue "stones" thinking they were raspberry Poprocks (do you remember THOSE?) or something!!!

Jules said...

So glad we're not to the full on mobility stage. Least that keeps them away from our cat's litterbox. Short-lived I fear. said...

Wait, let me get this straight... dirty kitty litter keeps your kids busy for how long? Another great use for my cat. I knew she would pay off. Gotta go build a hill in the backyard, I mean... gotta go back to work, yeah work.
Jenny from the Blog


My mom's parenting style was of benign neglect, and I got into just as much trouble as my kids, after whom I ran and covered and cleaned and warned...sigh. So go ahead and yell - it doesn't matter. They will jsut find something else to eat or do. Or smoke. Or drink.

ummmm....except your kids, of course....

w said...

i am the sevarnteenth comment. this is depressing. it's getting old, man.

also. garrrrryosssssss! cat litter whale blind you! and make you go hoarse! no radio for you!

SurferWife said...

SO justified. SOOO freakin' justified and I am totally that parent, too. I know what my kids are doing at all times. As a matter of fact, I know what my kids friends are doing and my friends kids for that matter as well.

And I get the oddball looks but guess what? My kid isn't being called to the pricipal's office. Oh wait. He was. Yesterday. Dammit.

Claire Gutschow, Fei'd skin care said...

Don't worry, there is no such thing as a cool mom. If they seem cool its because (a) they are heavily medicated, (b) they are so sleep deprived they are beyond caring or (c) they have so many kids they can't keep track of them!

Claire Gutschow, Fei'd skin care said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matty said...

This story brings back a memory I have of a kid and the playground.

My son is now 27, but when he was 9, we lived across the street from an elementary school. One day I took him and his sister over to play. Mom was away at the time. At some point I noticed that he wasn't around. Yeah, I know, how did my son escape without me noticing. We were out in the country, so I know him getting abducted isn't gonna happen, so I'm not real concerned. A short time later he reappears. No harm, no foul. Don't you know later that day, I find our rear basement window broken out with blood on the edges. Long story short......he left the playground, went home and "broke in" to our house to go pee. That's pee, not to PEE. Does he tell me he has to go? NOOOO. Does he tell me where he's going? NOOOO. Could he have just gone pee behind a tree at the school? YESSSS. But nooooooooo, he goes all the way home, breaks in, cuts himself, and goes pee. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

Anyway, that's my playground story, almost 20 years ago.

kanishk said...

I would have been unable to drive home. Frozen. Incapacitated, until those children had a purell bath. I am with you.
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