Monday, February 15, 2010

Can You Still Be a Superhero if you Can't Get the Spandex Suit On?

So all weekend I have been stuck in the house due to snot and snow and I have been subjected to this (please watch so you will understand):



My son plays the opening credits to Astroboy about 8,922 times a day, and while this minute-long song is assaulting my brain, he ricochets off every surface in the house in a wild ninja/robot/warrior fashion without the slightest regard for anyone else in his proximity, meaning his foot could make contact with your nose at any time, or he might create a new cup holder...in the wall...and while I love having new random places to set my tea, I am overly disturbed by this cartoon series he is obsessed with. It's just weird.

But you know what? I totally love that he has no idea I am sitting here watching him save the world, honing his mad fighting skills while he stands against invisible mad scientists who are trying to wipe out an entire generation of feeling, thinking, AI robots who are his closest friends. The boy saves the world every day with wild abandon and I LOVE it!

But see I am really good at pretending I don't see him, or hear him, or care that his foot is in my face. Because seriously how much longer am I gonna be privy to his imagination? How much longer will I get to listen to his monologues, or watch him sneak around corners, attacking the air? Pretty soon he will be embarrassed around me and of me, and he will lock himself in his room playing video games, while I stand outside the door asking, "what are you doing in there? Wanna watch Astroboy?" To which I will hear, "Astroboy is for babies, leave me alone!"

SOB!

But there is another reason I love this so phase so much and shhhhh...I'll share the secret with you if you're really, REALLY quiet and don't tell anyone else ever! Ready?? Here it is:

I sometimes still pretend I am a superhero too...

Well, just because I'm 35 and have weak ankles doesn't mean I have given up MY imaginary world of superhero awesomeness. It's fun to pretend I could blast any bad guy away and break some windpipes with my fists and totally save the world from death and destruction while looking smoking hot and wearing 4 inch heels! In the past 10 years I have imagined I was this person:

And honestly I am not sure if it's because of the gorgeous black leather outfit, or because she can wield two gigantor guns in such a way that would make Dirty Harry curl up in a ball and cry. I, however, cannot; the one and only time I shot a gun, I first stood there for 20 minutes looking at the target with tears in my eyes clutching the 22 while Josh explained, gently coaching me, "hon, you can't let go of the gun until you fire it, those are the rules in a shooting range!" yet I just stood there shaking and feeling like an idiot until I shot it and then immediately dropped it due to the itty bitty recoil. Then I felt like a bigger idiot.

Then there was her:

Again, not sure if it's due to the fantabulous wardrobe, the chance to fight pirate zombies, or, um, what...

...


Can you think of any other reason? Yeah, neither can I...

And then with the Battle Cry, "I AM NO MAN!" I SO pretended I was her:

Audrey's new hero by the way, which is so cool because Audrey means, "noble strength". I now have the needed constitution to kill spiders, thanks to Eowyn.

And lately, if I am feeling particularly superhero-ish, I pretend I am her:

Ever since Liquid Television popped up in the early 1990's, and I saw Aeon catch a fly in her eyelashes I thought man, her outfit is downright scary and I am not too sure if I can make my hair do that or that I would really want a fly that close to my eyeball but DANG! She dies in every episode and then is back to seek her revenge in the next episode with nary a bruise or having a serious wardrobe malfunction!

I suppose this escape to superhero-ness is just my creative way of looking through the Lens of Life where I save the family from the lack of clean underwear, starvation, solicitation calls at dinner time, and sinks full of nasty crusty dishes...in a fun and dramatic way.

In fact, I even have my own superhero theme song. Wanna hear it? This is it.



If you listen to this song while house cleaning, your whole house will be sparkling clean in 3 minutes and 38 seconds flat. I LOVE this song! In fact I love her hair...maybe I want to be her today and be an awesome lead singer of a British band...I'll work this out in the shower later...

So now that I have dared to be uber vulnerable and shared a deep dark secret with you all, you are now legally and morally obligated to tell me if you pretend to be a superhero as well, so I don't feel all weird and awkward in our now delicate and initmate relationship...got it?



13 comments:

Josh Theory said...

And, what about Violet from Ultraviolet? Or, Lelu (5th element) or the heroine from Resident Evil? (Hey, is there pattern there? yeah, its that none of them are actually humans)... My original hero was ALex (Michael J Fox) in Family Ties. Seriously. Then Bruce Lee. Jack Bauer. And now, probably anyone who can write my dissertation for me.

w said...

i was sure you were going to say you pretand to be the hulk.

the hulk can run fastan than an oldometer has numanbers. unless you work on your own car in your own garyage. the hulk can kill whales and even fight radio waves.

it has been brung.

Much More Than Mommy said...

I'm Wonder Woman. And I always thought The Great American Hero should've had a female counterpart. Did he? I don't know. Because believe it or not, I'm walking on air.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

I loved Batgirl (the cheesy, Adam West, TV version!) growing up, and I think I secretly still like the idea of being her! I wonder though, if it's just because of that awesome, awesome full-head mask she wore with the red, flippy, That-Girl hair!! Oh, and the spiky, tight, black ankle boots!!

w said...

just making sure. because gitl, you know i can't not be first. also. you know how i'm always like "take that at&t!" now it's like. i can use code. like. oldbama.

it has been brung so much.

http://www.suburbanjungle.net said...

Come on!!! Just because you shared your secret you felt the need to out me as the lead singer of republica to my NUMEROUS, LOYAL, UNSUSPECTING blog readers. Fine, it's true, but when I'm not a famous rock star I'm just like everyone else. I brush my teeth one tooth at a time, like the rest of you.

Jenny from the blog

ModernMom said...

LOL Does Samantha the witch with the magic nose who can clean her house with just a twitch count? If so, I wish I was her at least once a week!

Kearsie said...

I watched Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet and the last part of Matrix this weekend.

I felt very feministy and empowered. So much, that I had to go shave in the shower. TAKE THAT LEG HAIR.

Tina Lane said...

My Hubs is a grown man and he still plays superhero games on his computer - pretending to explore the universe and conquer alien life forms. You might be in this one for the long haul.

Me? I kind of like Bionic Woman.

Tina Lane said...

PS Stopping by from SITS.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

super hero - no

writer -yes

Big Boops said...

I love that on my first venture into what is Insanity, this is the post that greets me. HILARIOUS and so true. I'm actually She-Ra. Have been since I was about 4. I have a cape, leotard, and sweet power belt. Of course they are a childs size 5. But they are there when I need to kick ass.

Thanks for chatting on the podcast last night! Seriously, my uterus and my hubs would thank you for any tips you have. Hook a sista up!

kanishk said...

i was sure you were going to say you pretand to be the hulk.
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