Friday, February 5, 2010

Writhing on the Floor Eating Carpet Fibers Gets You the Cord You Need!

OK, man...

So my computer cord BUSTED like, three days ago. And it was pure.hell. I mean it.

That cord. I unplugged and replugged it, took it apart, put it back together, blew on it, looked at it, smashed it against my fist, smashed it on the floor, then went up to hubby crying, "THE LAPTOP CORD IS TOTALLY BUSTED! AAAAAAAAAAACK!"

After trying every fancy troubleshooting technique that I did, he sprung into action. Forget his meetings, the deadlines on papers, students calling and emailing about the upcoming class simulation...he knew if he didn't handle this situation immediately he would have a wife who was barfing up a lung while riding the ceiling fan. He flew out of the house saying something to the effect of , "OKI'llgogetonerightnowbecauseIknowyoureallyneeditandIdon'twantyoutogetMAD!"

That's right man.

So he left. I wandered around the house. Thinking, should I clean? Talk to the kids? Clean? What the heck do I do?

I wimpered as I put a dish in the dishwasher and decided to start school with the kids. Man, I couldn't even set up the cool computer programs so I could like, sit around while they learned math. IT WAS TERRIBLE!

Then, Josh called.

Josh: "Um, they have a universal cord for $90 at Wal Mart."

ME: "WHAT? Is ANYTHING at Wal Mart $90? For serious? That is ridiculous! Dell does this on purpose you know. They make cheap crap on purpose so we have to buy it over and over and over again and it takes WEEKS to get anything replaced because you have to call some remote village on the Australian Coast to get it!"

Josh: "I'll check Best Buy."

I walked around the house, mumbling strange things. A dear friend finally called me, saving me from my plan to ride the ceiling fan, and she consoled me as we lamented what we could be typing about on IM at that very moment, had my stupid cord not busted.

So I did laundry.

Josh called back.

Josh: "They don't have them"

Me: "Oh of COURSE they don't have them! You know why? Dell is run by the Mafia! They are I tell you! They want to control all the Dell accessories to make sure I sell my soul to the Corleone Family, causing me to fall into a life of petty crime in order to satisfy my computer addiction!"

Josh: "The Corleone Family is fictional."

Me: "Yeah??? Well??? BLARGING CRIPES!"

Josh came home. My eyes were swollen from crying, the kids were eating chocolate chips and cutting out pictures from old Dell magazines, taping them to my forehead.

Josh called Dell directly.

Dell Representative: "This is Dell how can I help you?"

Josh: *whispering* "Help me. Please. Help me..."

Rep: "Excuse me? Are you there?"

Josh: "My wife...I'm scared. Please, help me."

Rep: "Sir, do you need to call 911?"

Josh: "I have them on the other line. Please. Send me a replacement cord. Hurry. Send it. Now!"

Rep: "Is the laptop under warranty?"

Josh: "Oh no. You're gonna make me talk to her?"

Rep: "Well, if it is, we can replace it for free." Josh slowly walked down the stairs to see me seething and chewing on carpet fibers.

Josh: "Hon, I need you to focus."

Me: *pulling out my eyelashes*

Josh: "When did we get this laptop? Was it less than a year ago? Because if so the cord is under warranty and-"

Me: "WHAT? How am I supposed to know when we got this laptop? Am I supposed to save receipts or something? It's a piece of crap stupid laptop anyway! They don't care about me! They just make stupid dumb crappy cords that can't even last a friggin' year and they KNOW it! Don't they know I haven't posted to my blog in three days, my giveaway needs attention, my FB page status is like from the 1980's, my IM friends have moved on, declaring me MIA, and I even miss Twitter! MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Josh: "Would you say it was around March of last year?"

Me: *sigh* Sure.

Josh disappeared as I found myself desperately wanting to tweet about this devastating turn of events, and I don't even friggin' tweet!

Josh returned from the phone call to find me actually hanging from the ceiling fan.

Josh: "OK it's ordered. Please get down."

Me: "When is it coming?"

Josh: "Um not sure, the guy didn't know." *packing things quickly to make a life-saving escape from the house*

Me: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Is it two days? Two weeks? TWO YEARS! FRIGGIN' FRACK FOR THE LOVE! Why didn't he know??? How could he NOT KNOW? He is a LIAR! Didn't you tell him this was an emergency? Do they really want me to slam them all over the internet in two years when I get my cord? I bet they know. I am never getting that cord! Dell is SO STUPID! I CANNOT GO ON!!!!" *banging head on sharp objects*

Josh left to move on with the day while I spent the day running up and down the stairs to check our big computer in between dealing with my kids, crying in the bathroom and toying with the idea of buying a Mac. Life hadn't been that hard in a long while.

But guess what? The cord came the NEXT DAY! And even though we weren't able to produce a receipt proving the cord was under warranty they honored it anyway.

I love Dell. They are awesome.


Kearsie said...

Dear Kim,

You are the best. I adore you. And this post. Also, you should've bought a Mac.


robin said...

one of your best yet kim! what's sad is that i was so wrapped in the story because i probably would have reacted the same way! we both need serious help!

Vanessa's mom said...

I felt your pain. Funny post. I'll be back!

StephaE said...

Dell is run by the mafia...I am with you on that one! YOU crack me up! I loveee this post!

Vanessa said...

My mom commented on your blog! YOU HAVE ARRIVED!!!!! (She doesn't even always comment on MINE!)

Also -- holy crap. Li'l Bit is sleeping, and I almost choked on a couple of Nutter Butter Bites while reading this trying not to laugh out loud. This post should have come with a warning!

StudiusMaximus said...

I think we need 5-6 extra lap tops laying around just in case of emergencies like this. Maybe we can make room by trowing out our emergency food and water stash. :)

StudiusMaximus said...

..during this whole event I was contemplating how to pay for the inevitable therapy sessions and medical bills. Not for Kim, but for Dell, The Mafia, and the People's republic of China, where the faulty product was made.

Thankfully India came to the rescue, Via Texas and Fed Ex.

Dee at Pedestrian Palate said...

What? Dell came through? Is this a fairy tale? Next, I suppose you'll want me to believe that Octomom is mentally balanced.

w said...

7 people don't know who your dear friend is. heck. i almost didn't know.

also. i've alrEDy told you this. but it's just not fair that i have to write a norMAYal comment first. your comment widget is crushing my jive.

and. this post was cerTANly one of your funniest. i'm not sure why i'm CAPPING. but i guess it's because it makes a WHALE of a difference when you can see what i'm doing...

Sara said...

This was the funniest thing EVER. My internet connection didn't work for 45 minutes the other day and my husband had to stay on the phone with me the entire time I tried to fix it. Also, please don't tell Kearsie I said this was the funniest ever. That's usually what I comment to her....

Unknown said...

Thanks for the comment today. I was beginning to think I was the only mom in the whole wide world who enjoys video games :)

SurferWife said...

You need a vacation after this. Like yesterday already. You fly out here and I will hold you to my bosom until you feel all better.

dana said...

OMG this was so funny and tragic at the same time. LUCKY!! Mine broke about 4 months ago and we had to order it online and paid 75 dollars AND it took TWO days!!! OMG. I didn't get any work done at all during the days I couldn't play at night.

My Lipstick Life said...

This is how I feel when I am disconnected! But lately school has been geting in the way... Glad I didn't miss this post though :) You're funny, Girl!

w said...

you are so famous. you're on the radio. whoa oh oh oh the RADIO.

i told you i was adding that. brang it!

w said...

maybe you should have thrown a penny down a wishing whale.

have you ever seen a radeo? with cowboys and stuff?

i can't help it. i'm sick.

Not Everyones Mama said...

ROFL *sigh* computers. Man, mine was down for 2 weeks once! I was so stressed I went OCD on our house. Never sparkled like that before, never sparkled like it since. My husband wishes the computer would break again. (After going 2 weeks without my computer and the computer guy not knowing what was wrong.....wait for it, wait for was my friggin' monitor....and, we just had to press the reset button. It was fine.)

Joann Mannix said...

Sooo funny! I'm glad I'm not the only one who turns into a superfreak when my security blanket, my baby, my biggest love, AKA known as my computer has any issues. In fact, last night I was having some trouble with a blog problem. After I cried in frustration, I headed up to my kids' rooms and pretty much stroked out on the state of their rooms. My husband hid in the garage. No one was safe, until I had a glass of wine and was finally able to fix the problem. Then, everyone stopped being such assholes in my book. Amazing how that happens. Oh, yeah . . . definitely buy the Mac. I love my baby so much. Her name is Precious.

I found you while scrolling through the SITS site. I had to check you out with that name. I'm so glad I did. I'll be back to read up. Happy SITS Saturday or whatever. If you're interested at all, here's a little somethin' of mine. Just sharin' the love. Great blog. I'm putting you on my blogroll.

Stephanie said...

LOL So glad it worked out for you:)


best line ever written

he would have a wife who was barfing up a lung while riding the ceiling fan

pure genius

Mae Rae said...

This was awesome! really awesome! I can totally picture the hanging from the ceiling fan and chewing on the carpet.

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