Friday, February 12, 2010



I am snotting all over the place AGAIN people!!! Why? WHY???

Anyway, it's time for, you know what...

And no screaming cat today; today you get hand sanitizer, lest you accuse me of giving you a cold as you cop a squat here on my blog to read you some funny...

So here it is y'all, another blog post that missed out on being read by the world, back in the day (except for wendiwinn, thank you, and I know you'll read it again, because redux is way better. I make it that way, because I do what I want).

Chasing an 8-Month-Old

I am so so SO sick of celebrity moms. So why the why do I read People Magazine on-line? WHY? What is wrong with me people? Seriously! Do I have NOTHING better to do with my life?

OK ok...for now I will put the self-loathing aside and ponder the mystery of celebrity moms and how it's "cool" to be mega preggers and then stick thin all within a few short weeks. (This could be PMS talking so, excuse me while I rant.)

But seriously if I read another article about how these women stay fit by skipping meals and “chasing their 8-month-old around” I am simply going to explode into tiny radio-active pieces all over my apartment living room floor.

OK, so I don’t HAVE to read the articles, but, are you kidding me? I not only chase, but I follow, I lead, I tend to, I wrestle with AND I clean up after two kids I should then be the skinniest, fittest person on the planet! We ALL should be!

Who doesn’t chase their kid(s) around? What mom gets breakfast, let a lone a full meal, at ANY time? And yeah, chasing an 8-month-old around…well, none of them have been delusional enough to actually say that in a sentence about a baby that is still crawling, maybe they mean they’re chasing their target weight on treadmills...

Besides, I am sure their publicists are checking every word that comes out of their food-deprived mouths, BUT there have been about three celebs now who have babies, about that age, who have blurted out that they keep in shape by chasing their kid around...even though the baby is, yeah, an 8-month-old. Oh yeah. I did the math. I may not count calories, but I can count backwards...

Do you all remember having an 8-month-old? I ask you, was he flying around the house at mock-2 speeds? Was baby a blur for over half of the day because he was whipping around the house, and not because you were sleep deprived? Did you resort to nets and traps just to catch him? Were you truly chasing him so much that you said, “wow! Forget exercising today! I chased my 8-month-old ALL DAY and I think I burned 1850 calories (because they fly through the house at such high velocities that you must be in the best shape to keep up). Thank goodness I don’t need any food to keep going!!”

For the ones who are honest, I give kudos, as they admit they have that baby, hire 800 nannies, and then work out three hours a day while being served 2 ounces of poached salmon and spinach three times a day by their personal chef! My “mommy ritual”? I stagger (because staggering burns more calories than walking) out of bed, make my coffee, and eat a cookie. Where is my nanny?

Anyway, whether it is the hard work and help, or the constant chasing for those who have the "cyclone babies", they in fact lose all their baby weight in about three weeks, just in time for their glamorous papped, “postbaby” award ceremonies, movie premieres, or charity events. And, just in case they don’t, airbrushing and Photo-shopped photos take care of those last few pounds, stretch marks, and (GASP!) cellulite. But while chomping at the bit for their first mommy-baby magazine cover, what do they ALL inevitably end up saying anyway? “Oh, you know, I just keep in shape by chasing my kid around all day.”

BLARGING CRIPES where’s my cookie??


w said...

i skimmayered the redux. i remayerber this post. also. you linked me. hahahaahah. man. whale you be linking me in evary post now? will you be plugging my name on the radio?

happy varlentane's day!

w said...

i hate that i forgot gitl. seriously. i cullen't be anymore forgedful!

Vanessa said...

Psh. I didn't lose my weight by chasing around any any-months-old. I did it by chasing around The Husband. Hee-hee!

Happy Valentine's Day!

SurferWife said...

ok, so this is what I think sucks. When you are pregnant and a celeb is pregnant at the same time as you. My second time around I had the pleasure of being pregnant with Heidi Klum on one of her gazillion pregnancies. And one month later she was doing the Victoria's Secret fashion show. ONE MONTH POST PARTEM.

I wanted to throttle the bitch because I was still FAT.

Creative Junkie said...

Can I just tell you how much I love the expression Blarging Cripes?

OK, so yeah ... I never chased either of my 8 month olds around. I mean, they didn't move fast enough where I couldn't just throw a pillow in their way and block them. And for the record, this did not change as they got older, although I had to resort to using bigger objects, like tables and siblings.

This is probably why my youngest is now 9 and I am just now getting rid of my baby fat.

Claire Gutschow said...

I have an 8 month old (ok he's 9 months but who's counting). Let me tell you he is way more like a tortoise than a 100m sprinter. I know that "slow and steady wins the race" but it certainly doesn't shrink the ass. Maybe those celebrity babies are all coked up on their mom's diet pills which accounts for their incredible speed? And why they will also grow up to be thin. The good news is that the pills will probably affect their mental development. But if you are rich and thin, who needs a brain?

Lia at Petite Little Bee said...

Purrel is one of the best inventions ever! Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day! Hugs, Lia

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