Sunday, October 18, 2009

Using a Breast Pump and Poison on your Lips is a Bad, Bad Idea!

*wiping eyes*

How I love a good laugh in the morning with my coffee!

Are you looking at that thing? Are you perplexed, freaked out even? You should be! You know what it is? A lip plumper! Look at what it is called!!!!
<------------- ACK! JolieLips? Did she actually endorse this?


Oh man! This poor, poor, journalist, Melissa Dahl, wrote this article on MSNBC today about her experience in trying to get Jolie-like lips. Ya'all I am STILL laughing! This sweet woman obviously has never used a breast pump, because she would know that affixing any sort of pump to soft, blood-filled tissues, several times a day, causes painful swelling and bruising! And, swelling and bruising without yielding 6 ounces of breast milk, well, what the heck good is that???

AAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry ya'all, I cannot STOP LAUGHING! Seriously? And she used something called "lip venom" to help the process along? Man, save the 40 bucks, stick your head in a bee hive then give your kisser a few forceful whacks with a bat! You might actually be in less pain and think of all the Frappuccinos you could buy with that cash!

Man, and it just gets better and better! This body-mutilating contraption is sold in the Sky Mall magazine!!! Can you see this company? They are all, "well, we think people will buy this, but, in case Angelina Jolie decides to sue us for using her name, or someone ends up in the ER after using this thing several times in one day, let's just advertise in an obscure magazine, ya know, one that is almost NEVER READ! ON A PLANE!" AHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAH! *snort*

This woman, after all of that pain and agony, actually tried it again! And said it worked! Nah, she's just frontin'. I bet she wishes she had a mocha frapp with extra ice right now! *hysterical belly laughing*

In her defense though, of thinking more is better, one time I thought it would be a fantastic idea to use more than one pair of teeth whitening strips in a day. Um, for a week I thought I was chewing on an electric eel and I produced enough saliva to fill a bathtub. Sometimes the pain is NOT worth the gain! She did decide to stop using it. Thank goodness, or her loved ones might have been accused of assault and battery! Oh, man...too much. Just toooooo much...

I am sure many, if not all of you, have seen this recently, but, we need to make sure our girls know the truth before they become young adults and start sucking their lips off with hand-held vacuums and burning them with toxic serums to look like someone "famous" and "perfect" in order to find self-worth! I mean it's funny, but, our obsession with perfection targeted at young impressionable people is not! (notice one of the FIRST things they change is her LIPS!)


w said...

man. that was a good one. i laughed a lot. i also cried a lot.

that pump looks scary. it looks like it has a bunch of fingers sEDcured around it. of course, i might want to try out the lip VARnom. how can i get a copy of that sky miles mayergazine?

w said...

shoo. i forgot to capitalize MAYERgazine.

psh. night comments.

April D said...

That was the funniest thing I've seen all week! Love it! And I'd be scared crapless to put that thing anywhere near my mouth! It looks creepy! And weird! And SCARY! LOL

Unknown said...


Kearsie said...

Ok, at the risk of being the one to leave a "dirty" comment...

Look at that picture from really really far away. Or from an iPhone. Tell me that doesn't look naughty.

The Retired One said...

I am with you, girlfriend! I can't believe what some women do to make themselves more "beautiful". I hope someone in their lives assures them that they are ALREADY beautiful without lipsucking equipment!

robin said...

wow. that is downright scary. and gross. and disturbing! send me one. let's have a contest! lets' see who can find the best alternate use for one! we can all send you our finding with pictures. oh kimmy....we must do this!

Jennifer said...

I'm sure walked around with a stinky red ring around her mouth where that sucker was sucking! LOL! Why can't we just love what we have and stop comparing ourselves to one another?

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