Friday, October 23, 2009

FANTASTIC FLASHBACK FRIDAY FUNNESS!

Ok ya'all...

It's been a crazy week, reeling from the illnesses and just trying to get back on track; it didn't go too well...

BUT! I have decided to do something fun/cool/relevant and lazy easy fun. Hold on to you seats as I unveil...


FANTASTIC FRIDAY FLASHBACK FUNNESS!



Oh! Aren't you like, totally excited? Isn't it totally funness? I have no idea what the cat has to do with anything. So, what is it you ask?

Ok so, all it is, is me picking a post from the past year to re-post on Fridays. The list of criteria for my post choices (of which there are many) are:

1. No one was reading my blog at the time I posted these posts.

See? Lots and lots of important criteria and thought went into this new installment I am installing (not a PEEP about me missing Insanity Monday this week...no, I mean not one person said anything, really... *crickets dying*)

So I really sincerely hope ya'all enjoy this re-post (no comments = death of innocent crickets) especially since everyone is getting sick all over the planet, and that it's so funny that you spit coffee all over your keyboard, but not so much that it shorts out your QWERTY, because I can't afford you buy you a new keyboard...so cover your mouth with your hand, but, wash it first mmmkay? Have a great weekend!



*   *   *
You Are One Sick Mother...

About 5 pm yesterday the smack-down happened; I was minding my own business when suddenly my throat decided it was time to set itself on fire. Hmmm, I thought to myself, I wonder if this is the result of my son sneezing directly in my face as I was flossing his teeth two days ago? Probably, I surmise, since the smell of his infected tonsils wasn't successful in knocking me out initially, I guess The Cold thought it would give it a try. So, I am sick. Does this day sound familiar?

-You feel The Cold creep over, tap on your shoulder, and ask if it can come and ruin your life for a while. You shake your head no and pretend that it isn't there, cackling crazily as it looks for ways to settle into your mucous membranes and lymph nodes. You continue on with your day, cooking, driving, meeting, cleaning, bustling, ignoring, overcoming, and when it's all done you convince yourself that you're just a little "worn down" from the busy day. You get into bed and say to yourself, "I'll feel better in the morning."

-During the night The Cold found the key you had hidden under the mat and took up residence, changing the interior design you had worked so diligently on (with your vitamins and exercise) into a raging mess of phlegm and bacteria, and laughing as he turned up the thermostat.

-Morning comes and you stagger out of bed, met by two equally snotty children (because of The Cold) who are bouncing around like excited electrons, because apparently The Cold has no hold on their ability to move, like he does on you. This makes The Cold THAT much more evil.

-You pour orange juice over their cereal and stumble over to the couch as they scream in disapproval. You need to go to the bathroom, but, it can wait as you mumble though a few phone calls to cancel, uh, your life...

-You know today is going to be a great day for the kids, full of TV, games, and junk food, and you don't care. You will do whatever it takes to stop them from walking...their feet on the carpet causes cranial pain beyond comprehension. You are out of cold meds, so you down 18 Children's Tylenol tablets. There's breakfast!

And then it starts:

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I need MILK! Not juice!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! He put glue in my hair!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Where is the remote!??
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I broke the remote!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

-Before you can blink it is lunch time. You haven't gone pee for fear your head will explode if you get up, but you arise anyway because kids are on your lap, bouncing mercilessly and breathing on you, which is like daggers in your eyes.

-Figuring food is merely secondary to survival (because you think so clearly while ill), you throw down some bread and lay peanut butter in a stripe (why is it white? you don't care) and sprinkle chocolate chips all over it, and zap it in the microwave. You don't remember putting the food on the table, or how you got to the bathroom, but thank goodness you did as you haven't peed in nineteen hours and you are convinced it is now coming out your nose. Oh no, that's just snot. But, lots of it.

-Cartoons are over and Jerry Springer comes on, and you figure one time is OK, since the remote is now broken and the TV is all the way across the room and thus out of reach. Husband calls to check on you.

"Hi hon!'

"nnnnnnnhhhhhhh"

"Uh, not feeling good, huh?"

"nnnnnnnhhgggggggggmmmmbbb"

"Kids ok?"

"nhhh?"

"Do you need me to come home?"

"Nnnnnnne hmmm hnnnh hfffff gggg!!!"

You are PRAYING that he understood that as, "YES IMMEDIATELY!" but instead he interprets the lack of vowels to say you are actually rebounding from the onslaught of disease as he says, "love you!" and hangs up. You think to yourself, oh, he is SO getting this Cold! I will snot on him as soon as he walks in the door!

-The room continues to spin as you lose consciousness from time to time, finding yourself sometimes in the kitchen making something with chocolate chips, breaking up fights, or sliding off the couch.

-You make it to 5pm and hubby comes home, finding piles of clothes in strange places, dishes all over the house, snot rags covering the couch and the kids running around yelling, "mom fed us chocolate chips and mayonnaise for lunch! Dad, what is a 'babydaddy'?" Hubby looks at you and asks, "what's for dinner?"

-You throw the phone, and a take out menu, at his kneecap and crawl to the bathroom as your kids bound after you, asking where their glue went and if it's OK to put apples in the dryer.

-Somehow you manage to lock the door just as the kids start banging on it, screaming "MOOOOOOOOOM" for about 5 minutes, until hubby comes over and says, "you ok?"

"mmmmmmmmmmgnbgngggggggg"

"Ok...you want sweet-n-sour or cashew chicken?"

"mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmbbbngggg?"

"Ok, I'll order that."

-Prostrate on the floor, you see a magazine left there by hubby, you pick it up to read it, but decide that the floor is much more interesting.

-The scum and debris on the floor is making you feel worse, so you throw several different shampoo bottles at the light switch and somehow get it to turn off, but now you will have to clean up shampoo that has splattered all over the wall. No time to think about that while you are busy trying to breathe.

-The ringing of the doorbell brings you back to life and you move in a zombie-like state to the table and eat some take out. Your head feels like the inside of a bass drum and it is pounding so severely that you have to time your chewing to the pulsing in order to just bring your teeth together.

-Hubby finally gets that you are SICK because you only eat half of your food and you start to cry. He sees the wad of toilet paper stuck in your nostril and says, "maybe you should go to be-" and with that you fly up the stairs, forget your teeth, (all you  really ate was Tylenol anyway) and lock the door and fall into the bed.

Yeah, tomorrow should be a better day...



9 comments:

Dee Crowe said...

Oh yeah.....I hear ya and then some!

Audrey said...

That is too funny! Never been there myself really. Used to get bad colds, but we've been lucky the last bunch of years. Now that I've said that . . .

The Retired One said...

You forgot to describe what your hair looked like.
Because, man...mine isn't pretty when that happens.
Kind of like a mix between Fat Albert and Phyllis Diller, smushed on one side from unknown-origin mucus.

Maureen @ Wisconsin Mommy said...

Hi there - stopping by from SITS. Thanks for the chuckles!!

ModernMom said...

LOL Sorry to laugh at your pain,,but seriously shampoo bottles to get the light switch to turn off! Love that!

Foursons said...

Wow- that's quite the sick day! Glad you lived to blog about it. Unfortunately, I have seen a day or two just like that and it is not fun. Not fun at all. Glad you reposted this- love it!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

w said...

that was almayst like deja vutan. wait. wasn't this the one that started it all? the mayernaise. i cullent remember.

apparently, early mayerning commayerments are as bad as late night ones.

Jenny said...

I ♥ you.

Oh, and I tagged you on my blog.

Kearsie said...

Yes, I remember this post. You are one funny mother. (I am recycling my facebook comment, because it's Monday, and I still think it's funny.)

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