Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Shadows are My Enemy

As a kid I had serious issues with shadows. Yes, shadows were the main reason I could not sleep at night. You too, right? Shadow are evil.

I would see shadows on the wall, and each night the shadows would turn into some different and undefinable manifestation that was intent on my demise. Never mind the ferocious skeletons in my closet (no, not secrets, real ones, well, imaginary real ones, like seven of them, kinda dancing and opening/closing their jaws in unison) or the green aliens under my bed, waiting to perform vile experiments on me, OR the mutant earwigs that crawled out of my little 9 inch black-and-white TV, searching for my brain to lay its demon spawn. The shadows...they were the creepiest night terrors of all!

Ask any kid, even my own! A shadow cast on an innocent toy on the ground at night morphs it into an evil, scary, scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs beast. No matter what you do, every time you peek over the sheets to see if it has disappeared, it hasn't.

Of course the only way to remedy this is to...turn on the light and/or remove the shadows!! The light shows it for what it is, truly, and takes the ugly freakishness of the toy away. Unless it IS a creepy freaky toy, like a marionette or an Elmo doll, whose batteries have worn down and you step on it in the middle of the night and it groans in a deep haunting voice, "grrrrrmmmmmblllldgrrrrrrr" so you have to throw it out your window and into your neighbor's lawn so their dog can destroy it.  I digress...

Well I have a real secret. I am still scared of shadows.

But see, my fears are much more valid, and for very, very, valid reasons, that are valid. Here they are:

- Shadows make me look like I have cellulite, and,
- Shadows make me look like I have baggy eyes

See? Isn't that horrible? What, this doesn't make sense? Let me explain.

In the shower my legs look smooth and lovely, just like they are supposed to. But, fluorescent light above my head in dressing rooms, and late afternoon sunshine, creates long shadows, which causes my legs to look like the surface of the moon, which forces me to buy and wear long pants, even in 100 degree weather. That is pure evil.

And, when I put my chin down, the bathroom lights cause my eyes to have big bags under them. That is malicious at best.

So what should I do, other than never expose my legs and keep my chin held high? I must...turn on the light and arm myself with the weapons necessary to combat the shadows!!

OK, you're still confused, you say those are lights, kim! You can't add more light to light! Well, yes you can, because those lights I mentioned are lights that create shadows, shadows cause the appearance of freakish lumps and bumps and bags, and therefore any light that causes shadows is evil. Following this reasoning?

OK...see this?

This is what I need.  Pretend I am that dot in the center, and I am wearing a fantastic swimsuit at the pool. This is what I need to show my legs for what they really are, lump and bump free!

Huh? Has kim lost her mind? Psh. Stop asking rhetorical questions.

OK, I see I am gonna have to walk you all through this, because my thought process is a little  more discombobulated today...

Have you seen a model on the beach, posing for swimsuit photos, and there is a guy next to her, holding some sort of silver disk (I'm pretty sure he's not an alien), and there is another guy, holding a massive floodlight in some strange yoga-inspired position at a precise angle on her body, and there is some other guy holding an umbrella, blocking all the natural light? OK those things are there, not for an excuse for creepy guys to stand next to a swimsuit models but to eliminate the lumps and bumps that only exist because of the shadows!! See? I don't have lumps and bumps! It's the shadows! The SHADOWS!!!!

Hmmm, I am exhausted, this is a weird post. All I wanted to say was, I need someone to hold a silver disk thing, and an umbrella, and a flood light at 32.5 degrees on me, as I walk around poolside. Anyone? Anyone???



w said...

so wait. what you're saying is you need someone to hold a silvar disk thingie, an umayerbrella, and a floed light?

da da da da da da. duntduntdunt. i just made a bunny shadow do the bunny hop.

sometimes, no shadows are scary. that girl. under the bed. in sixth sense. she didn't have a shadow. gasp! she's the shadow keeper!

Mary K Brennan said...

I totally get the dressing room light thing. How awful? Makes you never want to try anything on ever again.
By the way, if you do find a volunteer to carry that shiny disk, maybe we could split the time. Say 4 days with you, 3 days with me?
Darn shadows.

Stephanie said...

I knew there was a reason I now hated my bikini..I forgot to hire the dude with the Giant silver disc!

Jennifer said...

When I get rich and famous (or more like, when I convince my husband), I'm gonna have someone/my husband walk around with that filter thingy pointing at me all the time. Thus, when people look at me, I'll look like Cybil Shepperd or Barbara Walters wherever I go - BLURRY.

Laura said...

Agreed! This was a funny post - why do dressing rooms always have such unattractive lighting? Don't they WANT you to look good in the clothes so that you'll buy them?

Thanks for commenting on my blog, btw!

Stacy Uncorked said...

AHAHAHAHAHA! I love it! I never realized how much I don't like shadows until you pointed them out to me. Thanks for that. Now I need to find some assistants, too. ;)

The Retired One said...

Wow...I love your complicated, funny, scarey, wonderful mind! You just crack me up!

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