Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'll Pass on the Gas

So me and hubby have been together 18 years now, and we have never farted in front of each other.

I know, you’re like, “WHAT?”

Yeah yeah! I know! You’re all, “we couldn’t SURVIVE if we didn’t fart in front of each other! We fart all the time! We play FART games! We rate each other’s farts! We can communicate through our farts! What, kim, are ya gonna tell us next that you don’t have TV and your kids were conceived by immaculate conception?”

Well to this I say, we don’t have TV, and if YOU cut the cheese with reckless abandon, and you’re proud of it, then pop off and go let it rip on your own stinkin’ blog!

Just somewhere along the way of courting, he said in passing that any sort of gas permeating from, or even squeaking by, any orifice of the female gender, was deplorable and grounds for being cut loose. I piped in and agreed that I would blow him off, too, should he ruin my olfactory nerves. And don’t worry, to this day there is no double standard, he keeps his gas at bay as well. And, since I never really had a problem with keeping my poofs to myself, this silent agreement to keep it in has never turned violent.

In fact, at one point in our teen years, I almost had Josh convinced that I didn’t even poo. Yeah! I am THAT convincing! What is more romantic than imagining that your loved one doesn’t poo poo? He’s getting his PhD now, so of course he knows better. And, I am pretty sure he knows I fart. It’s kind of like UFOs; he hasn’t been witness to any, but, he is pretty sure they are out there…

So, in such a tightly closed relationship, where does that leave you to fart when you have to?

Well, there’s the car, when you are alone. That’s an “open all the windows and turn up the music” situation right there, and NOT a recommended activity at drive-thrus or in car washes. Then, there’s the bathroom, and that’s a free pass, because c’mon, it’s the bathroom! But if it sounds really bad and is louder than the fan AND running water, then you can feign sudden illness and get sympathy before laughter. Then sometimes you just have to let one go, like when hubby leaves the room to get a snack, and you hope and pray it doesn’t linger. And, unfortunately, sometimes, when you are “alone” you loosen up and toot in front of your kids.

If you have any kids around the age of 5…no, make that seven…no, better yet, 13…15? OK OK if you have kids AT ALL, chances are farts to them are hysterically funny. ALL farts: dog farts, baby farts, their farts, movie farts…think about that part in Dumb and Dumber. OK better yet, watch it.

Now, without the SOUND, it’s not that funny (the smell NEVER is). Tell me, with a straight face, that the little poot that comes out at the end isn’t the funniest part of that whole scene…seriously!

And, farts are at their funniest when mom or dad do it, and your kids have THAT to hold over you when your spouse comes home…

Now this is where all of you who expel freely laugh at me and say, “serves ya right ya dingbat! Not only are you in danger of exploding one day, but now your stinky secret it OUT!”

To which I say, yeah…

PS…I just laughed for about 10 minutes reading THESE! Have fun!


w said...

LBP machine gun.

i poot toot. whist shopping. i usually try to find an empty aisle.

but if an empty aisle is not to be found, i find the busiest aisle. and then i quickly pass my pass and leave. letting those who remain point fingers at each other.

mayernaise makes me poot toot.

The Retired One said...

Just wait until you get older. You will do it and not even know (or remember). Oh, to be a fly on your married wall then...I can hear it now:
Husband: "Ummm Honey? Did you hear that?"
You: "Whaaat???"
Husband: "I SAID: DID YOU HEAR THAT?" "oh my God, what is that smell?"
You: "Whaaat?"
Husband: "NEVER MIND!" "I thought something died in here." "Gulldarnit, woman, Are you breathing?"
You: "Whaaat?".........

Unknown said...

I wish I could get Joe to stop farting near me. He's gross. I still love him though...

Your blog posts are always so funny and brighten my day. :)

Anonymous said...

So, one time, when The Husband and I were merely The Fiance and I, I had a tummyache. I was so uncomfortable, and he suggested I lay on my right side.

Do you know what happens when you lay on your right side if your tummy is troubling you?

You toot.

So I tooted in front of The Fiance. Who is now The Husband. So I guess it wasn't that bad.

But I want to know how in the world you kept it reigned in during pregnancy. Because seriously, no one was safe when I was pregnant. We were afraid that I'd actually knocked the dog out with one.

Insanitykim said...

All of you are cracking me up! I almost tooted!

W - I will never go shopping with you now, 'cause I know you'll blame me. OK, I'll still go, but you'll have to buy me something to compensate for your behavior...Varting in public...sheesh!!!

Retired One...nice BIB (blog in a blog)!! I can SO see that happening!!

Thanks Jenny! Maybe you should let one go near him before he does, and that will make him run away, or make him a belt of air fresheners...most men see it as a sign of affection anyway...ew.

I don't know how I made it through TWO pregnancies, Vanessa!!! I just did! I must have a sphincter of steel now from all those years of clamping shut! And with two c-sections, no other muscles were compromised...

Anonymous said...

I poot, because I can.
Lance poots, because he's a man.
The girls poot, when they're playan.
Often, we sleep with a fan.
Which covers up the fellan.
And keeps us from smellan.
I need a life, man.

Cheeky Greek said...

I soooo wish my husband wouldn't fart near me, it grosses me out so bad and sometimes I just get downright angry because it truly makes me gag! I try and keep myself in check, but sometimes I get crippling gas pains and then I don't care! But you guys have got something there, what a good way to keep the romance and mystery in a marriage! I have friends that are couple pooers...that's right, they poo in front of each other. This is a line that we just won't cross. I'd rather go in the backyard than in front of my husband! And my husband and I are not uptight, in fact we find it hysterical to talk about nasty bodily function stuff, we just pretend that it doesn't happen to either of us.

Vickie said...

HA! This had me cracking up! I do my best to keep it in, but.....

Anonymous said...

13 years with my hubby and we still have that mutual respect. It's all good!

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