Monday, February 9, 2009

Hey Baggy Eyes!

My kids vacillate between laughing at my “jelly belly”, “jelly butt”, “flappy arms” and my "baggy eyes". Then they start asking me if I am going to die (eyes brimming with tears, mind you). Yes, even my kids can see, I am getting old-er.

My husband and I were driving home two days ago, trying to remember how old we actually are. Being together since we were teenagers, and actually having to do MATH to figure out our differences in age (he is younger…oh yeah baby!) we realized we had to think to finally figure out how old we are. Then he laughed. Then he got hit.

OK OK…I am not THAT old. But, anymore when I hear, “you’re (fill in the number)! Oh my, you look like you’re 25!” I can’t help but think the people saying it:
-have not seen any REAL 25-year-olds lately
-need bi-focals
-have been hitting some sort of “sauce” or “pill” a little too much
-think I have money and want some of it.

Because c’mon, kids don’t lie. Well, OK they do, but when they have the ability to tell the horrible scary truth, through their questions and responses, they do. Such as:

“Mom, what’s that?”
“My neck”
“No, what’s that hangy stuff on you neck?”
“My skin.”
“HAHAHAHA”
“Sigh”
"Mom, are you OLD?"
"No, not really."
“Mom, are you gonna DIE?”
“No…not yet anyway!”

I look in the mirror every morning, hoping to see this once familiar visage:







And instead, I see, this:










ACK! RUN AWAY! ERASE YOUR MEMORY! I see this now and I want to cry, but I dare not as that would make my eyes even baggier...

I am not sure when this happened, but I have noticed it recently and I don’t like that I now resemble Gandalf The Gray.

In fact, I no longer spend my time envying women with smooth legs, now I search every face to see if they have the bags under their eyes like I do and envy the ones who don't, instead. I mean, isn’t over half of America not getting enough sleep? So, there should be more of these bags out there…but I seem to be in the minority.

And the internet is no help. I keep reading that scientists have recently discovered the bags are actually FAT! Great. Now my EYES are FAT! How the heck do I exercise my eyes?

Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 and crying about a long gray hair on her head…I had one, three inches long, GROWING OUT OF MY FACE! She needs to get over herself, seriously, I am the one suffering here! John, sing her a song, or slap her...yeah, slap her!

Terrible. Soon the wrinkles will set in, and I will be Gandalfina The Saggy.

Yeah maybe it’s allergies, maybe it’s my salt intake, maybe it’s my lack of vitamin b6, or sleep, OR my heavy drinking (nooooooo, that was just on the internet list) but I think it’s simply this: AGING!

So what can you do, except try to calm your kids down by assuring them that none of this means I am going to die just yet…

Sigh…


16 comments:

w said...

i hit the sauce quite often. it makes me look good. in the mirror.

have you heard the new john mayer song? it goes something like... you once were my candy. but now you're all gandy.

i just started some mayerham.

The Retired One said...

I hear ya'! The unfortunate thing about the bags is that I read that it is inherited from some relatives in your past. (Good old genes!). So search your relatives for the baggiest-eyed-one and blame them for this blessing. Also, you can always go and get a filler from your favorite plastic surgeon....So what if they sell it by the gallon? The neck thing? (Waddle)? I hate it too. The arms do look like bat wings, so they come in handy on Halloween, though. But a sense of humor helps you through it all.

Cheeky Greek said...

I saw a commercial about five minutes ago for an under-eye roller...I guess it rolls the bags out, or it is supposed to anyway! Any negative changes on your body or face is very depressing. While I don't have bags, I do have MANY things that I try and forget I have otherwise I will be curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor crying...then eating chocolate...then walking 5 miles to get rid of the chocolate...then getting home and being famished so I scarf some more chocolate.

Aria said...

OK, so I know you're gonna think I'm totally crazy, but my step-mom used to model in NY, so I know that MODELs use this one... Preparation-H for under-eye-bags. Swear. It shrinks the inflammation and you'll look like the old you, which was a younger you not an older you... For the tweezing and the foundation application, you're on your own... Of course, we ALL looked better before we lost our ever-loving minds to mommy-hood and had more than three seconds every 72 hours to try to not look like crap.

Kearsie said...

Me: Look, kids! Mommy's picture is in the newspaper! Cool, huh? But it's not so great of a picture.
Addie: (nods knowlingly) It's because of the big pimple on your nose, isn't it.

Insanity Kim said...

Aria...I have heard that the lovely ingredient in Prep H was removed from the creams in the US and is only available in Europe, and I believe it as I used an entire tube on my eyes and NOTHING! Yeah, the plucking and make up comes easily, if only I DID have more than 3 seconds to do it! Let me know if you know anyone in Europe...

Awwww Kearsie...was the photo B&W? Say it was a beauty mark!! ;)

Mary K Brennan said...

I'm in my brothers wedding in May. There are 12 bridesmaids. I found out at the shower (yesterday) I'm the oldest. (Thank you new sister in law). Everyone else is in their 20's, with beautiful skin which I'm sure also tans nicely. My eyes have as many lines under them as are on my palm. (Good news, I will have a long life!) There seems to be no simple answer. I paint my face every night with whatever potion falls out of the cabinet. I don't know what happened last night but I woke up minty fresh! Good luck Kim. Remember, you earned those bags, wear them with pride!

robin said...

ladies.....we are in our prime! i may be flabby and baggy and all of that, but i KNOW things that these twenty somethings don't. we are "experienced" women *wink wink* who could out do them at practically anything besides dancing at clubs. but even that is debatable....i mean, have you seen me move??? hottness ladies....we are hottness.

Insanity Kim said...

W - Mayerhem...maybe I'll put mayernaise on my eyes...that might help!

Retired One - I think I need a vacuum to get rid of the eyebag fat...actually laying off the salty soup has made a HUGE improvement!

Cheeky, an EYE ROLLER? wow! That scares me! How much was it?

Mary - Good luck on that one...use every potion you have! I might decorate my bags with some sequins...all bags look better with sequins, right? ;)

Robin - you said it...hotness...hot flashes? Sigh...

Melissa said...

LOL!! I always ask the TEEN how old I am... I can never seem to remember! And then when I see a pic of me... I don't really recognize that person. I much prefer my visual image, lol!

The Retired One said...

Aria, we don't want her to make an ass of herself using the Prep H, do we????? hahahahahahahahahaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Insanity Kim said...

EEEEEEEHAWEEHAWEEHAEEHAWHWEEeHAWHAWHAWHAW!!!

Oh sorry...people always tell me my laugh is annoying!!!

Melissa...I hear ya. I look so much better in my mind...

Jennifer said...

I. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Saif Ali Pervez said...

nice creativity
nice site

visit
http://www.parenting-wikipedia.blogspot.com
http://www.earlyhood.blogspot.com

Jessica (Hey Lola) said...

I have waggle. I suspected it for a really long time and then somebody took a picture of me and there it was...just hanging off of my underarm, for anyone to see. It broke my heart a little bit...
I hear cucumbers are good for bags...they suck the water out or something. They don't work on waggle, in case you were wondering.

Insanity Kim said...

JessiLola,

I tried cucumbers and, when that didn't work, I tried a vacuum...it was a long and difficult drive to the ER but they got my eyes back into my head. I then realized that eyesight is more important than beauty...

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