Thursday, February 26, 2009

Don't Open the Door - It's Potty Time


Just an FYI to all you parents...

If you can't get your kids to give you the "front and center" full attention you desire, and you are permanently hoarse from screaming, "come here, NOW!", and you are about to pull your teeth out to numb the pain of constant disobedience from your children, then here is a way to get their undivided attention...just go to the bathroom!

Yes. It works! See, every time I go to the bathroom and shut the door, 3 seconds later I hear endless knocking and,

"mooooooooooooooom! What are you doing?? Let me in!"

And they do not leave, or stop knocking, until I open that door.


No matter what I am doing, like plucking my eyebrows, relieving my bladder, squeezing a zit, crying about something, or trying to stuff cookies/cake down my throat, they are there.

If I didn't lock the door they would barge right in!

Why is this? Why can I scream, and threaten, and plead for them to come to me when I need them, and only get a mere, "WHAT?" response that barely travels through space? But, when I have something to do near a toilet they are on me like flies on poo?

They shake the door and yell in panicky voices, like I found a window and jumped out, or dived into the toilet and flushed.

It's even worse when I CAN'T open the door in a timely manner because, well, I am in agonizing pain and stuck on the toilet.

Like, if I ate something loaded with cheese and oil for lunch, and my stomach, 3 minutes later, says, "OOOOH NO YOU DI'NT!" I can understand their distress, as one second I am at the table hearing their latest "knock knock" joke, and the next I am up the stairs and out of site with no explanation. That's when this phenomena is at its peak.

The scene:

I have flown upstairs, clutching my gurgling, churning, stomach, as toxic, gaseous, digested globs of waste push on every intestinal curve, threatening to blast out before I can get my pants down.

Now on the toilet, writhing in pain because my body has decided to add constipation to this cheese-induced IBS encounter, I hear this:


Me: (sweating and panting like I am about to birth a category 5 twister) "I...can'"

Jacob: "Audrey won't let me..."

Me: "FIGURE IT OUT....YOURRRRRRRRRR (about to faint) SELF!"

More knocking.

Me: "LEAVE ME ALONE!" (groaning now, pretty sure I am about to die.)

Kids: "I'm hungry!"

Me: (uncontrollably shaking, not sure which hole the toxins will shoot out first) "YOU CAN WWW...WWW...WAIT A MINUTE!"

Kids: "MOOOOOOOOOM! Open the door now!"

Me: (I am ready to leave the planet at this point) "Would you both just go DO SOMETHING??"

Kids: "We can't get the movie to start!"

Me: "FOR THE LOVE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" (now promising God I will be a better mom should I survive this.)


At this time, my body finally cooperates, and sounds resembling a terrible and fatal car wreck ring out; I am relieved and horrified, both literally and figuratively.

Knocking has...not...stopped...

Alllllll this time, they could have been tearing apart the kitchen, eating Styrofoam, sliding head-first down the stairs in their sleeping bags, writing on each other with permanent markers, playing with fire, doing anything they wanted. But, instead, they are glued to the bathroom door, waiting to enter.

I flush the toilet, praying it doesn't stop up from the carnage that just took place. Calmly, I wash my hands and finally, to stop the pounding, open the door.

The kids fly in. And, you guessed it, they fly right back out.

Kids: "MOM! [retching ensues] WHAT IS THAT SMELL??"

Me: "Kids, that is the smell of what mommy likes to call, 'alone time'."

Yeah...I need some better alone time.


Anonymous said...

For dang real.
Two thoughts:
1) Surely you wrote this sitting in my apartment, watching this same scenario with me and my girls.
2) Surely you wrote this because nothing makes them laugh more than the subject of poo.
Barbie poo, fish poo, eating poo, smelling poo, poo knock knock jokes that make no sense but have the word poo so therefore hilarious, cartoons involving poo...the list goes on.

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

OH. MY. GOD!!!!

That was hilarious!!! I may need to change my panties, I laughed so hard.

I could SO relate to all of that. I love the details, the graphic mental images you used...right on, Mommy!

And I love the bloody 'horror movie' door picture- definitely set the mood!

I am glad I came over because I so needed the laugh today!

w said...

dude. that's grossly scary.

but wow. i applaud you for being able to get the door locked. um. because. many a time have i had milk and ran and not had the chance to lock the door. so. i just get a sit in demonstration at my feet. yeah. lovely.

don't eat mayernaise.

robin said...

UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! i mean it happens to all of us doesn't it!?? my daughter has the irritating habit of asking me questions while i am brushing my teeth. i'm like "can't she see that i have a stick poking around in my mouth and have foam oozing out it???"

the bathroom in my house is not a sacred place at all. i, like winn, have an audience for most poo situations. and when it gets ugly and i have to make noises with a crinkled face, my kids start laughing or praying. depends on what i ate. seriously! like "dear jesus, please help mommies poo to come out good."

Anonymous said...

This is so my life too! Sometimes I'm so tired, I just go sit on the pot to get away...but here they come. They beat on the door until I get so irritated I let them in. Then my 2 year old, with a serious focused look on his face thinks I'm a racecar track and drives his trucks and cars down my legs and up my arms. It's craziness! I wish I COULD jump in and flush! That would be awesome!

Sharon and Billy Blanks Jr. said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!! Are you sure you weren't in our house like...EVERYDAY?!!! SO FUNNY! You know we're screaming! Love, Sharon and Billy

The Retired One said...

Wow. Loved the graphics. I could just see the scene (ahem) (shall we say: unfolding?). And I ask: has any husband ever been bugged when HE is on the toilet by the kids??? NOOOOooooooooooooo.
Why is that?????

Banteringblonde said...

ha! LOL my kids love Daddy.... he never gets a moment's peace. We are in the stage where when Daddy is home, Momma doesn't exist.


Mary K Brennan said...

Glad to know my house isn't the only place where this happens. It's like they don't even notice me until I'm gone. Even my husband gets peace and quiet when he goes to the bathroom. If it weren't for locks on the door, I would have some serious constipation issues.

Lorie said...

That is the TRUTH!!

My mother in law actually trained her kids that when she was in the restroom she was not to be she used to go in the restroom to eat her lunch so she could have some peace!

Felicia said...

Stopped by from Ask Baby Kid!!!! Great interview!

Insanitykim said...

You all are cracking me up! I imagine all these distressed children, locked out of bathrooms, with mothers doubled over in pain, and (most) of the dads walking around, clueless to all of this gassy mayhem! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

auntrene said...

Thank you!! I needed a good laugh and came to the right place. Oh Goodness, Too funny.
Thanks for sharing!!!!!

Court D said...

So true. Drives me nuts and sadly I was hoping it would end soon as mine is only two but from the sounds of it she will just continue. Maybe they think we will fall in so they have to be there to monitor that?

Christina said...

That was hilarious! My 2 year old does that a lot....but then again, it's kinda normal for his age. But that doesn't mean I enjoy him hanging out in the bathroom with me when I have "BM problems". Nice post!

Unknown said...

That sounds VERY much like my they bug dad?! HECK NO! LOL

Humorous site! I'm gonna have to visit more often!

Farrah from Wife and Mom of 3

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