Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I Speak the Language of Uuuuuuuugh

I tell ya.

Recently I realized that not only do I make fantastic banana bread and have great looking feet, but that I am also trilingual. So yeah, I speak pretty gooder English than most, and of course I am a certified American Sign Language Interpreter, which means yes, I am awesome fluent, but, now I am super awesome excited because I am in fact trilingual! Do you know what that means? It means I can apply for a job with the FBI, or I can be a ninja, or I can win it all on Jeopardy (is that show still on? Is Alex Trebek OK?? And wait, ninjas don't speak, do they? Dern!) So what third language is it you ask? Well my friends, it is the language of Uuuuuuuugh.

And the language of Uuuuuuuugh is super amazing and important, because after answering 8 billion "why" questions all day, and doling out insightful lecture after lecture to the children, and thinking up blog posts that people might want to read, and chatting with my hubby and others about our day/life etc., I have no English skillz left. Every object becomes a "thing" and I can barely get out "ya know?" when trying to explain what the "thing" is. Ya know?

And believe me, Uuuuuuuugh is easy to learn, yet not as easy to interpret, because there are a bazillion dialects and accents and variances and lexical preferences and things and stuff like that. I would bet like, nothing, because I don't bet, but really I would bet that all of you speak Uuuuuuuugh too! You're all, "um, hmmmm." because you aren't sure right? That's when I say, "psh, duh!" and you're all, "ahhha!" See?

It's like this; it's bed time, time for TV shows, video games and fun. But see, I always forget to do a few things before I retire, so I am constantly getting up to do these things as they come to mind. So when I have no ability to speak anymore because I have used up all my words and I am so tired, I start to communicate in Uuuuuuuugh:

10pm -"Ahhhhhh" = get in bed, give a half-smile to hubby, and I am ready to relax.

10:05pm - "Aaaaaugh, nnnn *grunt* *sigh*" = no, not a fart, but getting out of bed to get my water.

10:15pm - "Grrrrrr! Blech, pbbbbft..." = me getting out of bed to get my phone because I want to call my mom. I manage to say some real words and send love to my sweet sweet mom, but it takes everything I have out of me.

10:45pm - "Eeeeeeouchie! Ohhhhhmanuuughmmm..." = my back starting to hurt from getting up and down three times in 45 minutes, but I can't let the zits win! Must kill them! I slather on the zit cream.

11:20pm - "ARGH! *sigh* *wimper*" = me cursing my bladder, up to pee.

11:25pm - *slapping forhead* "Blarging cripes!" = forgot to brush my teeth when going pee, so I am up, again.

11:45pm - "Hmmmm...eh? Mmmmmuuuugh!" = getting up because I need to turn the light off that the kids left on to scare away monsters, namely Gollum...

12:00am - "Brrrrrrrrr! Mmmmmmnnngh! Mmmnicenessmm..." = I am cold so I get up just enough to fish the heating pad off the floor and plug it into the nearest outlet.

12:15 -"*zzzzSNORT!* *cough! cough!* Nooooooowhyyyyyyackgrrrrrrrmmmmmfffffbbblmmm" = me dozing off and nearly suffocating because I forgot to use my nasal spray, so now I have to get up and get some before I pass out.

12:30am - "mmmmgntmmmmzzzzzzz" = me saying goodnight to my hubby, who all night long would ask me, "what are you doing?" every time I made a sound and left the room, because he cannot speak Uuuuuuuugh, unfortunately.

OK so, well, maybe he isn't the only one that doesn't understand Uuuuuuuugh, or this post for that matter, but really, I thought this was pretty interesting and fascinating. I also like to pick glue off my hands.

Maybe if I just shut up I can still be a ninja. Hmmmmyeah, ummm psh. Der.


w said...

mayerruruunnngh. cullllkungh. varrreunnngh. and then some.

man. that was easy.

also. gollum is precious. also. i know that was a fart. don't deny it.

Lynn Kellan said...

Gollum makes me fart, 'cause he scares me. By the way, are you me? Because not only do we have zit cream in common, but I live on Astelin nasal spray. I do believe we were separated at birth.


Stephanie said...

He hee! Too funny. I thought that was a secret language between just me and the Hubs!

AND...you make the best banana bread ever? Did you ever post that recipe cause mine needs help!

Unknown said...

harumph umph froulabush....ack whatev ya know?

hehhehehheee...ya know...being trilingual also comes in mighty handy at the park...'hey..no...not...pshhhhhhhhdontyoudarputthatinyourmouth gmmmmt pshhhhhhhhh!"

Jennifer said...

Wow. I only ever get up for two reasons: the baby is crying (and if I don't stop him, I won't be able to get back to sleep) and I have to pee BAD (meaning, I held it all night and am about to start the REAL walk of shame - pee dribbling down my leg)

Unknown said...

You are funnay. That is all.

Kearsie said...

I laughed and then I remembered that we broke up because you're smarter than me and bingoed three times in a scrabble game which I'm pretty sure means either a) it's illegal and the fb gods will find you out b) you're cheating and not a good friend because you won't share your cheating tips with me and 3) all those years of chewing gum made me lose too many brain cells along with watchig 90210 on the phone with my BFF and now I keep losing at the Scrabbles.

So then I just went Hmpf, psh, purlease.

Unknown said...

That's the old banner, silly! :D

*this is a reply to your comment on OILT*

Vickie said...

That means I am bilingual!! Wow! I had a gift and I didn't know it:)

Modern Mom said...

Lol, at last I found someone who speaks the language! :)

What a funny post, I enjoyed reading!


i had a really clever comment but i'm in uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh mode so you got nothin

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