Thursday, November 19, 2009

FACT: Cows Filled with Methane Gas Kill!

Ya'all, my son used to suffer from PMS.

Seriously. It was bad.

PMS? What? An eight-year-old boy with Pre-Menstrual Syndrome?

Well, no, not really...

An eight-year-old with PMS: Petrified of Monsters Syndrome.

Yeah, that PMS!

Stupid monsters.

Stupid dumb monsters were waking him up, staring at him, standing in his doorway, peering through his window, and stupid dumb toys were morphing into monsters on his floor! All at 4 am! AUUUGH!

That equaled a tired, irritated, stressed out little man, and a frustrated mom.


Nightlight? Nooooo...made it easier to see them. Pitch black? NOOOOOOOO! Then he couldn't see them to make sure they were not about to pounce on him and eat his brain. Flashlight? Sigh. It was dead in 2 hours from over-use. Spray bottle, shooting Monster Spray? NEVER AGAIN! The whole room, including his sister, was drenched in 30 seconds, mold spores and wet dog smell threatened to take hold...we don't even have a dog!


He tells me something he learned...

Apparently, cows emit methane gas, which is highly toxic, and lethal, and deadly.

Yes people, cow farts kill. And, cow farts are funny. AND, cows fart all the time.

After convincing him that we could drive past a cow pasture without holding our breath for fear of a painful and smelly demise, a light bulb came on over my head, and I actually convinced him of this: Cow farts kill monsters!

Of course there was no way we were strapping a cow to the roof of our car, like a Christmas tree, in order to get it home to set it up in his room, backside poised and ready, but, since Jacob can often rationally conclude that monsters are imaginary, albeit freakin' scary, then by the same rational he concluded it's a good idea to have some imaginary cows around at night to obliterate the jerks-er, monsters.

Ohhhhhh yes. And, by the way, imaginary cows are even more powerful than real ones, because:

-If you feed them matches, they fart out fire.
-If you feed them pencils, they fart out poisonous arrows.
-If you feed them apples, they fart out fragmentation grenades.

And, if you feed them beans, they emit a nuclear warhead.

We sat together and imagined him feeding a heard of pet cows various objects, and laughed about what came out of their backsides, as the monsters melted, exploded, disappeared into thin air, and just all-around basically DIED from the onslaught of cow whoopin'!

Personally, I would be imagining me shoveling beans into those weapons of mass destruction all night long, but, Jacob seems to enjoy imagining the monsters suffer, but mainly he enjoys imagining crazy things flying out of cow butts.

All I call say is hey, don't judge. It's working. And he is sleeping.


w said...

wow. that was wonderful. thanks for letting me know that cow varts kill. that is some strong mayerthane.

also. edmaginary cows.

and. my word verification is "craki". yeah. no joke.

Jennifer said...

What about HUSBANDS filled with methane gas? Same affect? Hmmm?

Kearsie said...

Oh man, for Christmas I shall make him a special can of cow farts, because I live on a farm and all, which will be cleverly disguised as a Febreze can.

Ms. Diva said...

OMG! That was great!!! Straping a cow to th car! Killed me! Thank you!!

Raoulysgirl said...

I'm stopping by from SFTC!

Loved the story! Weapons of Moos Destruction!

I'm a new follower!

Anonymous said...

That was hysterical and had me doubled over with much-needed laughter. Consider me your newest lifelong fan. :)

Thankfully, my daughter loves monsters and we've never had this issue. Now, if we're outside and an ant crawls by her foot or a fly buzzes by her head...that might get ugly.

The Retired One said...

Too funny!
But, ummm....does he drink milk?
Has he made the connection that it comes from those lethal cows yet?


OHhhhhh......farts are funny AND lethal - the picture rocks!

Maya said...

This is great!!

Mary K Brennan said...

All I have to say is Genius!
And that's why God made Mom's.
Our husbands could never have came up with a story like that.

Stephanie said...

That is a quality Mommy moment! Well done:)

Liz Mays said...

Anything that works, anything!!!

Charity said...

I haven't laughed this much all week, Thanks, HAPPY NEW YEAR

The Mommyologist said...

Farts always make me laugh!! Great post!

w said...

stopping by from sits.

also. my hubby is all paranoid now. he's just popped his head in and he's like... "what are you writing about me? i know you are!"

also. i put that down because it'll be a great sunday snippet but i'm too lazy to write it down and i was already here leaving a comment.


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