Monday, April 19, 2010

What? Who Is That Annoying Parent Screaming on the Soccer Field? It's Me...

I bet most of you, with children between the ages of 4 and 12, find yourself parked in a fold-up chair with a coffee and a camera, on a lumpy, crowded soccer field, with other coffee-sipping, camera wielding parents, for about 8 consecutive Saturdays in the spring and fall. Am I right? Of course I am.

And, I bet most of you would like to pound that parent who yells and screams the ENTIRE game into a rabbit hole, wouldn't you? I am right again. I know it. Because...

I am that parent.

You're like, " wait, which parent?" Um...

That parent who yells and screams.

I know. You're all, "you can't possibly scream that much!" Well...

I even scream at the wrong times. Like when Jacob stopped and I screamed, "why are you stopping! Keep going!" And the parent turned around and said, " the ref blew the whistle!" to which I said, "oh, I didn't hear that because I was screaming."

And you're all, "what? You? But you seem awesome! How could this be?" To which I reply...

I can't help myself.

It's just that this year, the kids, who are 8 to 10, seem to be sleep-walking on the field. Or they run like their limbs are about to fall off. Or, they see their teammate has the ball, and rather than run along side of them to help out they lag waaaaaaaay behind because they think the other team might actually help them score their goal. I don't get it?

So, what inevitably helps them play better? Tons and tons of screaming!

See where I am going here? Screaming = goal. It's very simple math. I think...

I mean, I am better than the first year they played, all I could get out was, "GO! GO! GO! GO!" Which I realize could mean many thing such as:

-Absolutely nothing.

Really. Why do, I scream "GO!" That's like when you have your hand gripping the top rim of the window frame in the car, and your hubby, who has all the window controls at his finger tips, decides to close your window, thereby smashing and nearly severing off all your digits while you scream, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" How the heck is he supposed to know what you mean? He's driving a car and listening to talk radio.

So now I say things like:



-"HELP (insert name of child with the ball)!"

-"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" (At least that is a clear verb.)



-"KICK IT!" (Not the best, but should be pretty dang explanatory.)

And only to my son,


And now I shall defend my yelling. I yell because:

-I have positive things to yell like, "WOOOHOOO!" and, "YAY!" and, "GREAT JOB!" and I do clap quietly for the other team when they score. And I never swear. Not even when I am being chased around the field by a rabid bee.

-The coach doesn't say AN-Y-THING! He's like, a statue! Arms crossed, just watching (or he's sleeping standing up). These are kids, yo! My kids at home can barely walk down the stairs without clear and constant directions! C'mon, man! You flashed your credentials, so let's see some skillllllz from you in actual COACHING, which at least includes talking if not yelling!

-The kids are like, zombies. And not like MJ's dancing zombies, and not like zombies who think a tasty brain is in the soccer ball. But zombies like, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Aren't kids supposed to have endless energy on the weekends, and have the ability to run so much they could power a small city? (Now, my kid runs, quite fast, but, he has played around in the yard too much with daddy, and he enjoys doing all these little fancy footwork moves which yes, keeps the ball away from other people for a time, but not when they run up and kick the ball away, toward the goal!)

-My friend yells too, and I want to support her, and the team. And because she yells louder and a lot more, I feel like the pressure and attention is off me. My camera helps too...if I am filming I won't scream, lest I hear my screechy voice yelling, "GO! GO! GO!" because I can't think and hold a camera at the same time.

I suppose if her and I make up some cheers we would seem really cool, or be escorted off the field but, for now I am gonna scream because really,

-I am so excited. That's all.

So the next time you want to pound a parent into the ground, think of me, and how far I have come with giving my screaming some meaning with real words, and maybe smile because you know that parent just happens to express passion a little more freely than most of the normal functioning world. Unless they are swearing up a storm and belittling your child. Then go ahead and locate the nearest rabbit hole.

And in the event you're just like me, well then *fist pound* welcome to the Crazy Screaming Parent at Soccer Games club. The end.


w said...

dannyn't you learn anything from those after school specials? yelling never did anyone any good.

pudi sock in it! and preferably a new one. because old socks stink, man! we use that a lot. the ",man" bit.

w said...

comment two. aka. real comment. (i'm sorry man. it's the pressure.)

that was funny. i can totally see you screaming. but the whole "go go go". that's more like a potty scream. so it's good that you stopped it.

also. lay off the coffee for a whale. it'll do you good. maybe the kids need a radio on to get things moving.

that's right. bringing back old school, man. and with the ",man" again. DANgit.

Kearsie said...

I forgot what I'm screaming and just scream nonsense or really long words. Also, my kids don't even play sports. I'm just talking about normal yelling, like when they leave their eleventy million toys out.

Unknown said...

Lol Im sorry I forgot what I was going to write when I saw Winn's go go comment and potty...

Oh yeah, now I remember...I used to get so fed up with screaming parents until I became a I fear I might be the "competitive momzilla"..hmmm..perhaps I should blog about that...but no..okay I yell and carry on long as you don't swear and carry a bazooka..ita alllll good..

rache irwin said... side! So funny... :)

The Mother said...

I cheer mine on from the nearest Starbucks, a mile and a half away.


hey you KNOW i'm the yeller. i honestly can't stop myself. ever.

SurferWife said...

Not a soccer field but a football field, baseball field and hockey rink.

And it must have been you behind me screaming to WATCH YOUR TEMPO, MATTHEW AND TAKE YOUR TIME, MATTHEW.

In my ear over and over and over and over for every single pitch said Matthew threw.

Stephanie said...

Baby I think you should coach!!

Vanessa said...

I think my youngest is going to be my athlete, so in a few years if you hear a slight buzzing in your ear during the day, like after school hours... That would be ME, screaming. Yelling. Cheering.

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