Thursday, April 8, 2010

My Son is Ready to Drink Coffee Because He is Nine...I'm So Emotional Right Now!

There is something you all need to know and understand about me and my family RIGHT NOW if you don't know and understand already. We are avid coffee drinkers. I mean, we are crazy coffee consumers. I mean, we are coffee guzzling java junkies. Junkies, in the worst sense of the word. My blood is at least 85% Guatemalan and Sumatran at this very moment. Yes, I am talking coffee. Some of you are still drinking canned Colombian I bet...

I started drinking coffee at the ripe old age of 9. Yes. Nine. Wait. I take that back. I was actually still in diapers. My dad, who worked nights, would have a mid-day cup and then promptly fall asleep on the couch before he went in to work. I would toddle around the living room in my diapers until I was sure he was completely asleep (because you know how coffee knocks you out) and then I would tip toe over on my tiny tip toes and drink the cold java on the coffee table. And he drank his coffee with just some coffee mate, no sugar or fancy stuff. I still remember the cream skin on the top of the coffee, and how cold it was. I drank it down like it was liquid gold. I always sought out his left-over coffee, like a shark on the trail of freshly spilled blood. My mom took pictures. I was so cute.

Then once I turned nine I would stumble out of my room at 6:45 am, all haggard from a rough night of dreaming about the barbie I scalped and threw into my neighbors yard, to have my mom greet me with a mug of fresh, hot coffee to drink while I watched Welcome to Pooh Corner. It's a wonder my teeth are not the color of mud. And that I have teeth.

If you come into our home for dinner and don't want coffee afterward, we might blink repeatedly and look at you funny, (well, even more so than we normally do). But after a while we will forgive you of your strangeness and no longer offer it to you. We might fidget and appear agitated while we eat our pie, but, as soon as you leave, we're getting our fix.

Both hubby and I worked in the coffee business, and actually my hubby is a walking Wikipedia page on all things coffee, after 16 years of total immersion...if he had 8 arms and no need for sleep he could probably have a successful shop up and running within 24 hours. So with this, our kids grew up with the aroma of coffee deeply set into their nostrils and java cravings flowing through their veins. It was no surprise to us when our son, at the age of two, would grab the demitasse cup with crema left over from my husband's doppio, and greedily lick the bottom like he hadn't had any sustenance in three days. It was so cute.

OK vocab for you all who have no idea what I am talking about:

son: that would be my kid.
demitasse cup: um, it's a small cup.
doppio: a double shot of espresso...Sigh. Google it.
crema: it's that gold stuff on the top, see it there? ---------------->

So in general the crema, it's kinda bitter, yet often has undertones of nuttiness, chocolate, vanilla, or cough syrup, depending on who pulled the shot and if the coffee is any good. My son would lap that stuff up until the cup was clean. Adorable.

Apparently, I have boasted of my youthful coffee drinking a little too much because, at the age of 7, my son started talking like a teen dreaming of freedom.

Jacob, age 7: Mom, when I am nine can I drink coffee like you did?

Me: *totally not registering what he is saying* Yeah sure.

Flash forward to last week, when he turned nine.

Jacob: Mom, I'm nine. I can drink coffee now!

Me: What?

Jacob: Remember? You said when I was nine I could start drinking coffee?

Me: What?

Audrey: I want to drink coffee!! I want a latte!

Jacob: You're too young.

Me: You're too young!

Jacob: Nuh uh! You started drinking coffee at nine!

Me: Um, well...

Audrey: Moooooom! I want coffee tooooooo!

Me: Jacob, I don't really think it's a good idea.

Jacob: Why did YOU get to drink coffee then?

Me: Um...I...uh...what?

Audrey: I want a latte with vanilla!

Me: Well, coffee stunts your growth, and it's not that good for you. I was supposed to be 5'7" and I am quite bitter about that. Audrey, how do you know about lattes?

Jacob: Well, daddy drinks coffee like 20 times a day! He's tall!

Me: Espresso, 4 times a day. He started after he was finished growing.

Audrey *jumping up and down repeatedly* I want cofffffffeeeeeee!

Me: Girl, you don't need coffee!

Jacob: Well then, you and dad are not healthy and you better think about how much coffee you're drinking!

Me: Wait, what?

Audrey: COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEEEEEE!

I guess there are worse things in life, like, he could be asking to watch rated R movies, or for his own iphone, or a komodo dragon. Who knows, maybe he could become my new coffee buddy. I could teach him how to use our fancy espresso machine (and it is VERY fancy) and we could laugh together about how bad Star****s coffee tastes and reminisce about the days when he would lap up crema as a tiny tot during our family coffee jaunts on the weekends...

Me: *sipping my latte* wow, this is really good, Jacob.

Jacob: I know. I have become an accomplished barrista, and wise beyond my ten years...

Me: Yes, yes. I am so glad we can share these special moments...

Jacob: *chuckles softly as he sips his doppio* Mother, remember the strange looks from people when I would grab dad's demitasse, licking the cup and getting crema all over my face?

Me: Ahhh those were the days. So cute. Hey can you go get me that book on Central American Arabicas on the top bookshelf?

Jacob: Alas, I stopped growing last year due to my alarming coffee consumption...

Me: So true unfortunately, but, on a positive note we will save a ton of money shopping for your jeans in the boys section for the next 8 years! I'll pick up a step ladder tomorrow...



14 comments:

Sara said...

Hilarious. Also, my cousin and I used to give her little brother coffee to keep him little and controllable. He's 6'4". Maybe start with decaf....

Dee Crowe said...

Omg I laughed..yes I did! Thankfully I'm not the only mother who absently said yes to something her child said and then had to try and change it to..."hey..look Target has Webkinz on sale!" with a big grin and a silly dance towards the door...

heh..anyway...thankfully you had definitions...I grind my beans..but they go in a plain ole Hamilton Beach brew station...so I was thinking... dirteh! when you wrote crema!

:D

w said...

waaaaaiiiitt a minute here. i thought you were going to have him go through the right of passage. the old ways of becoming a man.

it's ok if the coffee stunts his growth. he can just get a job as a pudiatrist. because they only a couple of feet. hahaahahahaha!

it's undannyiable. you can't keep coffee away from him.

shhhhh. i know. i'm awesome.

Much More Than Mommy said...

Guess what! The Husband and I don't drink coffee! (We've both tried it, neither of us like it. I do like the smell sometimes, though.)

My proud moment was when Big Sister and I dipped our Low Fat Oreos into our glasses of skim milk. That was a special day.

tristan said...

yes. yes. coffee. makes the world go round. right up there with love and johnny bravo. wait. what? johnny bravo? yep. him.

i love a good latte. and i love making my own good latte.

not gonna lie. i worked at the s-place. made good money. yes. their coffee tastes weird. all of it. my conclusion: vacuum sealed bags, containers, etc.

i've learned my lesson and am more prone to support an establishment with locally roasted beans. i like that. a lot. it makes me happy. and it makes my mouth water.

man. i need coffee.

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I'm jealous. I wish I could drink coffee, but the caffeine keeps me up all night. Guess I should've started drinking it when I was nine...or two!

Big Boops said...

I love it. You could be my soul sista. I spent many days of my youth drinking my grandparents coffee (my parents are non-drinkers!!!!). And then was a barista in high school and college. You need to mail me one of your fancy dancy machines though! Boops just broke my super fabulous french press and its like a member of the family died. But on a positive note, if she see's any type of ceramic cup she screams, COFFEEEE!!!! She's 18 months, her training is going well Master . . .

Cathy M said...

I too started drinking coffee around 9 or 10. Sunday after church with a roll and butter. Nothing tasted so good.

MiMi said...

No. 9?! No way.
I didn't start til around 30...I was late to the party. :)
Maybe if I would have drank coffee, I wouldn't have been so late? LOL

Vi said...

Love it! I am a coffee feign myself so my heart goes out to the little guy. I started drinking coffee young myself. Maybe thats why when I was going through growth spurt after growth spurt it suddenly stopped. I had reached my peak height of 5'4" at the age of 14. This isn't short to most but in my family the next shortest person is 5'11" and she is only 16. I agree with the decaff.

Lulu said...

Ummmm....I'm less worried about the coffee consumption and a bit more worried that your whole family appears to describe coffee like you're living in a Spanish soap opera....

Pam said...

I am fairly new to coffee addiction. It all started about a year ago when Starbucks put one of its coffee shop in the Target I shop at about a year ago. I work in the ER so the hospital provides us with their "coffee". I won't go within ten feet of it. I am a total Starbucks xbold snob. I caught one of my family members putting a little coffee in my 2 year old daughter's sippy cup. I ignored it.

The Mother said...

We did the aversion therapy thing--fed the kids coffee, and watched them squint and squirm and gag. No worries.

A Lil Story said...

hehehe!! my boys are always trying to sneak some of my coffee =) my hubby is a guzzler... but he only drinks plain black coffee, nothin "fancy"... I gotta switch mine up with some flavor ;)

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