My Christmas Shopping Experience Totally Freaked Me Out

I am really confused ya'all, actually, freaked out.

See, I went shopping this weekend with my family. Christmas shopping. And it was...weird.

We started at Toys R Us. It.was.slammed; I witnessed people wildly snatching toys off shelves like toilet paper if like, they were told toilet paper factories imploded simultaneously around the world, and the secret recipe for making toilet paper was lost. Forever.

Our main task was to find gifts for kids we were buying for through the Salvation Army program. Josh and Jacob, in fine men fashion, were done in 20 seconds flat. Psh.

Me and Audge? Well, it just wasn't that easy. See, we were looking for Hanna Montana stuff.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, because there is nothing Hanna Montana in our house but, isn't her stuff supposed to be like, EVERYWHERE? Isn't there Hanna Montana toilet paper for pete's sake? Really. I figured this was a no-brainer, like I would find a plethora of shirts, and toys, and stickers, and socks, and designer lipsticks, and cups, and dolls, and trinkets, and bling, and all sorts of completely nauseating commercialized items. Well, there was a wig. And a coin purse. And a wig. Oh and some fake makeup. And, a wig. And a microphone. And...a wig. What's going on people? I just stood there like, hoping something would magically appear behind the Jonas Brothers lunchbox or the High School Musical tote bag. I said, probably too loudly, "there HAS to be more than this junk and this stupid wig somewhere in this blarging store!" I dragged my poor daughter around the whole store. Twice. I was beyond confused and disappointed. We had to settle on the Hanna Montana movie, and, a pocket book. (By the way, the Disney Store didn't have anything either, was she in some scandal recently that I wasn't clued into?)

Anyway, I think half of the city was at Toys R Us, and, with their carts piled sky-high with Plastic Joy (they all had the cool HM items I bet) I totally expected to be in line for 2 hours while registers broke down, price checks were made for angry soccer moms with 20 coupons, exact change was counted out by sweet grandmas, and the debit card machines blew up. But instead, the check out lane opened up next to me, and...I let the woman in front of me, with the towering cart of toys, go before me. Yes I did. And guess what? When I was next in my line, the cashier DIDN'T ask me for my phone number, she DIDN'T ask me if I wanted to save 20% on my purchase by filling out a credit card form, AND I received a $5 coupon for my transaction. Whoa.

Next was, The Mall. Hold on to your hats. We found a parking space not too far from the entrance. Bizarre.

Now, when I am alone, the mall is OK. I don't mind it. However, with my kids, during the peak of Christmas season, I am slightly on edge, because while they are getting better with age, Jacob still flings spastic, karate-like moves in any direction he so chooses, and Audge is always disoriented and distracted, as she smacks into every person in her vicinity. But, this time, they did...OK. It was, um, weird.















They were allowed to spend the $5 their grandparents gave them. Jacob made a mad karate-infused dash toward the video game shop. He brought in 3 used games and his 5 bucks, eyeballing the one Metroid game he has been hoping to purchase for over for 2 weeks, which for someone his age apparently equates to 2000 years. Getting the attention of the pierced gal working there, he handed over the games and, seriously, holding his 5 bucks, he patiently waited while she checked all the games and looked them up for trade-in value. In many ways it wasn't that hard to wait. I was digging the thumping disco-tech music and game previews, and while I admired the white Christmas tree with the purple lights, and bopped around to the music like the sad, 35-year-old weirdo woman that I am, I decided that aside from being a candy maker, working in a video game store is definitely the coolest job on the planet.

And, to our delight, once she was done she looked at Jacob and his 5 bucks and said, "well, I can only give you 5 dollars for these 3 games you brought in BUT...since you were so patient, I will knock 7 bucks off this game, and, with your 5 dollar trade-in credit, you only owe $4.99!" I wanted to cry. I didn't have to use my debit card and he was so excited he could afford the game! After that we got some lemonade and walked around, not once being attacked by a crazy person manning a hot rock or flat iron kiosk. Audrey bought a dancing snowman with her money, and, I got excellent coupons to Borders, thanks to her purchase.

I have nothing seriously negative to report, especially since I obviously don't care for Hanna Montana and her lack of commercialized crazap at Toys R Us. But, because of all this, I am pretty sure I have fallen into a black hole and landed in another universe. Don't ya think?