Monday, December 7, 2009

Insanity Mondays

So, I have never watched the show, I barely know any more than what the headlines blab, but, why I am strangely OK with Kate's hair style? Is something terribly wrong with me? I mean, do none of you sort of cock your head and say, "mmmm, I dunno, it's kind of OK"? By all accounts I should hate it, really. It makes no sense, like wearing socks on your ears, or meatloaf with marshmallows, or a Marilyn Manson Christmas album. But, still...there's something about this look. If my husband reads this, he will be praying, on his knees, that I come no where near a hair salon, or the garden sheers, any time soon...

Sometimes I pick up my jeans, and I can just tell they are gonna be tight. Can you do that too? It's like my eyes are tuned into my backside, connected somehow. And other days, I look at them and say, yep, these are totally zipping up today! And, they do! It's amazing. I doubt it has nothing to do with putting on size 9 one day, and then the size 11 pair the next...

Yes, I am still wearing Junior sizes (help me!)

I spontaneously bought a turkey at the store yesterday. It wasn't on my list, I wasn't in a fog, and no one pushed it on me, like with a great sales price or the gift of a free meat thermometer. Before I could think I hurled the frozen Butterball into the cart and went on my way.

Do you ever want to just take up every kiosk offer in the mall?

"Yes! Please give me a deep tissue massage for 20 bucks! Where is the paper towel to cover the face hole?"

"Yes! Please flat-iron one side of my hair! Then I will buy a 20 dollar straightener that will burn out the second I plug it in at home!"

"Yes! I'll take the red wig please for 20 bucks! Can I flat-iron it?"

"Of COURSE I want my eyebrows tweezed, with dental floss, in front of everyone! I'll take the Cleopatra shape for 20 bucks, please..."

"YES! I want a sample of your fudge, that has been collecting mall germs while sitting out for the past three hours! Go ahead, hand it to me with your fingers..."

"What? My skin looks dry? Certainly I do want some moisturizer slathered over my foundation and blush, use your bare hands please..."

"My acne? Sure I'll let you zap a few zits with that weird electronic thing, that is most likely not emitting harmful gamma rays, since you are clearly a professional...the moisturizer people were just making the zits worse."

"A make-over? Yes! And please use your finger to double dip into that chunky pink cherry gloss you want to put on my lips, ya know the stuff you just used on that guy over there, getting his septum pierced by that 15-year-old girl..."

"Hot rocks? Yes! please lay them all over me while you drag me over to your kiosk! Got any for 20 bucks?"

"Win a trip to Hawaii and get SOME of the expenses paid? And receive tons of junk mail and nightly phone call solicitations? You just spoke my love language! Where do I sign up?"

"A hermit crab with a painted shell? Give me 10 for 20 bucks!"

Sigh. Why are all the vibrating chairs always in use?


w said...

oh man. that was hilarious. like. about as hilarious as slt is vargedtarian. (that's two for one, right there. better than any deal you'll find at the mayerall.)


Kearsie said...

Oh my goodness. I was seriously LOLing.

Except I just had a thought- if I laugh out loud and no one is there ti hear me, is it really laughing out loud?

Also, I have discovered that you cannot pretend to not speak English when you pass by the kiosks in the mall because guess what? They all have a foreign language as their native tongue. That's why I bought one of those spiky head massagers for, you guessed it- $20.

Liz Mays said...

I'm clearly missing out on what the essence of a mall really is!!!

Raoulysgirl said...

If you feel compelled to stop into a beauty salon before the Kate-hair-like has left your system, please remember...

It's like a reverse mullet! Business in the FRONT, party in the BACK!!!!!!!!!!


i think her hair looks good on her too. so sue me. there are worse things on this planet.

and i love the vibrating chairs. so worth the dollar

Ivy Bliss said...

Hmmm...Kate's hair and turkey in the same blog. Seems fitting...

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