Monday, July 27, 2009

Poop, the Time Shifter and Pause Maker

So just when I think I don't have to talk about poop anymore.

I do.

I am sorry. I guess it's just that season of life; poop has anchored itself into every corner of our life, we can't wash it out, get rid of the smell, make it go away...

My kids of course learned to poop in the toilet, think the word poop is funny when made into a constipated word...wait, I mean compound word, like poophead, poopyhead, and poo-poohead...

But now they use poop as a way to manipulate time and activities. And how can I argue if they have to poop? Because really, now, they have to poop whenever they are:

-emptying the dishwasher
-doing their homework
-cleaning their room
-need their haircut
-they have to eat their dinner
-need to pick up the living room
-doing whatever is not what they want to be doing.

And the amazing thing is, they actually DO poop! It 's amazing! Like I just said! It doesn't matter what time of day! If they are doing something they don't want to be doing, they just go in the bathroom and poop. I don't know about you, but I would give almost anything for plumbing like that!

So my dilemma is, when they suddenly jump up in the middle of a chore and scream, "I need to poop!" do I call their "bluff" and make them hold it? Is that multiplication problem important enough to calculate immediately? Do I really need the dishwasher emptied in full this very second? Does it matter if their chicken gets cold and rubbery? Will their hair grow even longer on that one uncut side, making it even harder for me to cut with the garden shears?

And I say all of this because, they will poop for a half hour. No reading materials, no sign of a struggle, just sort of letting it all drop at the most leisurely rate possible to avoid their responsibilities. Now, I KNOW for a fact the boy can hold it. If you read this post, you know that when it comes down to it, my son can hold it in like a steel trap. And I know that if you push too much that causes problems, and I don't want them to have any sort of problems, plumbing-wise or mentally, because I am screaming at them to poop faster every 30 seconds, ya know?

It's just interesting to me how they figured this out: "I am doing something I don't want to be doing, so to avoid it, I will void in the bathroom!" It's like, they DO hold it for the opportune time, then they weigh each scenario, deciding if this is THE activity to delay with a very necessary bodily function, and once they make the decision, they take full advantage of it.

Since I force my son to read for about 20 minutes every day, I am thinking of making him take a book in with him. But see he hates to read (so sad) and what if that makes him never want to poop? Then I have two issues to deal with! I have seen my daughter take newspaper in with her...but then she might be in there even longer, and then with her I am making her read less? I don't know...

Then I thought about maybe putting in a timer, or taking all the lightbulbs out, or making the toilet seat really cold. See? You just can't ruin potty time, the ramifications are too big.

So I am not really sure what I am trying to say with this post, except that I feel like my kids have won this time; they have backed me into a corner and found their OWN escape from life in the toilet, as I have, many a time. Except I am not pooping, I am crying. Or eating cookies. Or plucking my eyebrows. Or taking a nap. Did any of you escape to the bathroom while reading this? Yeah, I don't blame you...


w said...

michael vartan doll and edward cullen doll never have to poop. because they're dolls. and they never go into the toilet area.

have the kids bring in a book about food. see what that does to them.

Angie said...

Gotta' be impressed with a kid who can poop on command.

Kearsie said...

I am commenting because I poll danced that I do. But there are only so many things to say about pooping and I believe you've covered everything.

I will say that I just used Febreeze again. And it wasn't because I just liked the smell of cinnamon.

Anonymous said...

You need to write a book! LOL! Hysterical!

Lynn Kellan said...

Hey, those chores can wait until after the pooping. I'd let the kids poop for as long as they need to, and then they can help unload the dishwasher or eat their dinner. No worries! The only thing that's lost is time.

The Retired One said...

Only one three letter word to describe this blog post...


Insanitykim said...

Oh, now, R.O., I beg to differ (cough cough *GARLIC* cough cough)! ;)

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