Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Analyzing Psycho

I think I am gonna get all real on ya'all for a while. Like really real! My brain has all this junk in it, it's getting crowded and I am having weird dreams, like walking around on edges of cliffs and almost falling to my death...wait, maybe it's because I just did that for reals.

Maybe I need to just vent...I am at some sort of crossroads or change, or pivotal point, or something big and cliche like that...I did watch Mama Mia, which is not like me, but there was good reason to, and I actually liked it. Um...

See I took my big test, (sign language interpreting certification) recently, and I won't know for months if I passed (if I didn't, there is a big long journey ahead of me, too long for this post). But now I am no longer trying to reach a goal or study like I have for the past two years and suddenly because of that I feel empty. Even, do I dare say, irrelevant? GASP!

No, no no no no no and, no, I am not looking for sympathy (SOB!) it's just suddenly I find myself with waaaaaaaaay too much time on my hands (drowning in FB). Granted it is summer (I have a tan), and I don't have a job outside of the home (another long story) but man, a big part of my brain and heart just freed up (like when you clean up your Dell, ya know?). So now I gotta DO something (like that Britney song? You know what I am talking about?)!

To start with, I decided I am gonna get this little apartment in order. We live in about 600 sq feet living space...OK 900...and we are busting at the seams. You couldn't fit a Mini Cooper in my kitchen, let alone another skillet, and my downstairs bathroom screams, "strictly business ya'all!". Yet it is gonna take days to get this place organized. I want to use Flylady to help me. I should. She's fly.

Next I am panicking tremendously about school for my kids. I home school (a choice I make year-to-year), but I want to be like, Super Home School Hot Mom Chick Who Teaches Cool Stuff. This year that testing comes around, and I want my boy to be READY for it! I want to focus his studies around science because he is obsessed with it, and for my daughter, art. I want them to have great activities outside the home that don't run me ragged, because I am not a good soccer mom...though they play soccer. Hmmm...I want to be the Super Home School Hot Mom Chick Who Teaches Cool Stuff and Who Doesn't Run Around Town like a Balloon Losing Air. Yeah, that's good.

Mostly I want our lives to be organized. I know kids thrive in an environment that is structured, and with my hubby's schedule we need it to be so we can have great family time, like going to the pool, the zoos, or hanging out with our friends.

And I love my time with the people who live in my computer. I don't have TV so, I tell ya, when I want to sit in the morning and have my coffee, I have ALL kinds of people to hang out with and things to read, from devotions (which I need to do a LOT more of) to Tweets (oh man, did I just admit that? Is there truth serum in my coffee?).

Or maybe this is all because I just turned 35 and I am freaking out about it, because well let's face it I have never been 35 before. And in some ways I still feel 19. Well, a "my neck hurts in the mornings, will I EVER get rid of this cellulite, is that ANOTHER gray hair and WOAH my hands are reeeeeealy veiny!" kind of 19, anyway...and see at 19 you don't have to really do anything (though I was managing about 20 people older than me at the time, going to school, paying for my own car and preparing to get married) but sit around and lament things that don't exist. Now at 35, halfway to 70, I want to raise fantastic kids and be a joy to my hubby, but I also want to be relevant in my own way...

It's important for me to refocus and find some purpose. I want to serve again with my kids in a ministry, I want school to be exciting and fun this year, I want their life skills to explode, I want to have fun with my hubby, I truly want to get into shape since I have a free gym waiting for me everyday, I want to always be able to live in a small apartment if it works out that way. I want to be efficient, maybe even "green" and continue to feel 19 ten years from now.

My kids are growing up way too fast. And if I feel this empty just not having a test to study for I can't IMAGINE what it is gonna be like when they leave! I feel that tiny little "who am I?" phrase creeping in, even now, and I DON'T want that when we are empty-nesters. I think if I focus on serving others while not filling my plate to full capacity things will be ok, whatever the circumstances.

So think of this as a strange Tuesday Twitter, as I am still suffering from jet-lag and I recently went from drinking lattes to regular coffee, which has a TON more caffeine believe it or not, so that could be my problem in all reality. And oh yeah look at this!

and THIS!

Man, I love my new camera!

Peace out ya'all, thanks for reading this gloop all the way through if you did.

8 comments:

Carol said...

My mother had a phrase that I use everytime I am over my head with work or thought. Here it is.... How do you eat an elephant....one bite at a time. It truly works, I am a product of the success. Just start somewhere and bingo bango you are done or time flys

Maniacal Mommy said...

Understood. Completely.

The Retired One said...

You are doing a fantastic job with that new camera!
Don't worry about your life crisis right now..I have gone thru it now about 8 times and I am 56. Each time, I changed careers, or got more education or found hobbies that were new and challenged my brain.
I give you so much kudos for home schooling and teaching your own kids...what a fantastic achievement. You DO realize that IS a career, don't you? Just ask the millions of teachers out there doing it for a living every day. I think it is fantastic and admire you so much for taking it on. When my kids were growing up, there was not this choice. I wonder now if I would have had the courage and fortitude to do it, like you.

So embrace your introspection right now. It is normal, and needed. It is what makes us grow and learn and appreciate life.

I am honored to be part of your blogging world and sharing life with you.

w said...

i read the whole thing.

i commented while on chat with you.

var. may. idk what else. it's been too long.

Insanity Kim said...

Thanks for all the encouragement ya'll...Joan you made water come out of my eyes! Sentiment shared!! :)

Winn, it's like riding a bike, or eating bacon...once you start up again it's easy...

Lulu said...

Reinvention or retooling or just regrooving....it's nice to feel a bit airy and light when your personal bucket of 'things I gotta do' empties out a bit - enjoy! Educators rock, no matter who and how, where and when - like you!

Kristi W. said...

URAwesome chiquita juanita. I totally get what you are saying and I relate 100% yo. I have many of the same thoughts myself. Hopefully Flylady will help you out on the home organizing front. I found it to be too overwhelming but some people can groove with it. Know that you are awesome and everybody loves them some Kimmy, especially me. :) K

adelle said...

Thanks for your entry in my give away this month!!

Your photos are amazing! I've been meaning to buy a new camera for AGES! Just never got around to it... bahh! $$$$


adelle :)

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