Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Am Done with Planes for the Year

Well I have to finish up with recording my experiences on the airplane. I have chronicled every flight and all the stuff that happens whilst in a metal tube flying billions of miles up in the air, something I still don't understand.

Truth must be told, and it is boring, but my kids are great on planes. You see me with my kids coming to sit next to you, and by the end of the flight, they make you want to have 8 of them yourself, cloned, cute as mine, and also great on planes. I don't even use Benedryl.

So what is interesting this time is, all I have to talk about is the crabby flight attendant (she didn't like how I stacked the meal trays and actually said, "shoot"), and almost dying because the plane was about to rip apart, 35,000 feet in the air with an outside temperature of -42 degrees Celsius (if you don't know, the big planes have little screens in the headrests that tell you that. Well, the temp/altitude, not that you're about to die).

We took another night flight, maybe some of you remember that my first night flight with the kids was a total disaster. On this one, however, the kids managed to sleep, even after being served Mexican/BBQ mystery meat and salad. By the way, I have had this same exact meal about 4 times now, and I am starting to like it.

I don't know HOW the kids figured out their Tetris-like positions and fell asleep so fast, but they did! It was amazing! I was able to put the middle tray down and prop my feet up on it, like I was in some yoga-inspired lounge chair. I at least knew this would help me avoid the dreaded DVT condition...I watched some show about parasites that ravage people's bodies, and at about 2 am the turbulence started.

Um, let me clarify, we were bouncing up and down faster and harder than virginal honeymooners (oohh that was bad sorry) and it lasted for at LEAST an hour and a half at that horrifying intensity. That part not fitting the simile....

So I was freaking myself out, because I ate the salad, and I wondered if I had given myself a lung fluke, like I was learning about on the show, and the turbulence was making my Mexican/BBQ mystery meat threaten a reappearance. Suddenly, the plane drops. Like drops nearly to the ground, or about 3 feet-ish. alarm goes off...

I look over at my hubby like, "DO SOMETHING!" as this beeping continues. Why wasn't the captain coming over the PA saying, "haha it's ok everyone, you're not going to die! I'm just bored!" Why weren't the stewardesses offering more water? Why was my hubby just sitting there telling me, "we're fine, this is nothing." NOTHING? I now have a TBI and need to go to the ER immediately!

So the beeping keeps going, the guy behind me in the other aisle shoots back to me the same terrified look I have on my face. I strap my kids in, who are STILL SLEEPING. Amazing.

BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP! Over and over as I imagine the wing breaking off, the engines shutting down, fire in the cockpit...

I give the stewardess an, "I'm dying!" look and she staggers over and asks, "do you need a vomit bag?" I am all, "the beeps! The beeps! We're dying!" The guy is like, "what she said!"

So she leans over on his side, my husband still watching his show without a visible care in the world. After much searching and fretting, she discovers that the sleeping passenger next to him had an alarm in his bag. She wakes him up and he's all, "oh that's my alarm for work. Sorry." Yeah, sorry doesn't cut it, sleeping worker who has a beeping terror mechanism in his bag, boy!

The turbulence was relentless! Adrenaline was surging through my body and my heart was pounding as I counted back seat rows to the nearest exit, contemplated holding my seat cushion as a flotation device, and constructing the blankets into parachutes. Actually I prayed. A LOT.

The real calamity was, I was REALLY tired, and my kids were SLEEPING! I could have totally slept that whole flight, had not my body been jarred into geriatric submission for hours on end! What's going on that high up in the air anyway? Aren't we in space? No?

So when it was all said and done I grilled my husband, who claims he has experienced much worse many a time. He did say it was always on small planes, which I can understand, but 7 seats across, with bathrooms you can actually turn around in, THOSE planes, um...

And with that, I am done flying this year. This girl has seen and experienced waaaaaaaaaay too much adventure, and the hard ground under my feet is a.o.k.


Kearsie said...

Dang. Now Winn will *never* get on a plane to come and see us.

Also, I'm one of those peeps on the plane that acts like the turbulance is nothing more than a friendly handshake from the clouds. But internally, I'm preparing myself to meet God.

w said...

i didn't need this story to confirm that i will never get on a plane.

also. you have $3.47. another dollar and you're on your way here.

with all that turbulence. i would have varmited. (that counts as two)

hilarious. absolutely hilarious. ollid.

Jeff and Leslie said...

Wow, that sounds terrible, glad you got through it. We had something like that happen on our flight between Delhi and Frankfurt, but not that bad, sheesh! Anyway, just found your blog and look forward to reading it all!


The Retired One said...

I would have those little beads of sweat on my forehead, and butterflies in my stomach too.
It has only happened once to was a tiny commuter plane...and there were curtains (Yes curtains, not doors!) between the 14 passenger seats and the pilots. They forgot to close the curtain at one point and I could see the horizon line which was slanted (not straight across) left and right as the plane rocked left and right. Yikes. It made me want to Ralph.
When we landed, even the pilots looked kind of green. They also looked thirteen years old, btw.
They gave weak smiles and said: "Sorry about the turbulence".
Sorry indeed.
But, I am here to tell the horrible tale, that is what counts! ha

Lynn Kellan said...

Phew. I'm so glad you're outta that plane. Stay on terra firma, with me!

Jennifer said...

LOL! Did you kiss the ground when you stepped off the plane? I'm glad you made it and the kids were perfect, sleeping angels!

Audrey said...

That is just too funny!!! Thanks so much for entering my give away and adding my button to your blog so I could find you!
There is no doubt in my mind that if I happened to fly with your children that I would not want 8 of them! We have 2 boys, and took them on a few flights when they were younger - they were always good too. (luckily)
I am grabbing your button and putting it on the sidebar of my regular blog so I remember to come back!!

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