Monday, January 19, 2009

Let Me Eat Cake!!!

I waited my whole life to become an adult, not so I could drink, or get married, or drive fast cars, or to dye my hair blonde (actually I did…it was bad), no, not for any of those reasons. I wanted more than anything to be an adult, so I could eat cake for breakfast.

Truth be told, I want whatever is most fattening and atery-clogging in the morning with my cup of coffee. I mean, doesn’t that make the most sense anyway? I starve myself all night, so I can sleep, right? Shouldn’t I reward myself with a huge slab of chocolate cake and a latte the minute I get up?

This also “sort of” works for me in the um, “dieting” department. If I get up and eat half the cake I made the night before, I am much more apt to work out later, or grab that apple I should eat. But, if I lay around all day, shirk all the fruits and veggies and THEN eat cake at like 8pm then, sheesh…why even try?


So, here I am. I am an adult, ready to enjoy my morning cake and coffee like I have for so many of my adult years. Life is amazing! Then…

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMIIIIIIIIIIIIE!”

Oh yeah, I now have kids. And the kids are awake. And they are hungry...

Now, the good mommy that I am, I do NOT feed my children chocolate cake for breakfast! There are many reasons for this:

1. They engage in a perpetual aerobic routine by zipping around at velocities modern science can’t record, WITHOUT the consumption of sugar. No need to start the day with a boost...

2. I care terribly about what people think of my mothering skills, so if my kids run around, telling people I feed them cake for breakfast, they might be taken away, or at the very least their friends will be jealous.

3. Ya know, I can’t really think of any other reasons. I just don’t let them eat cake.

Bill Cosby let his kids eat chocolate cake for breakfast, he also called them “brain-damaged” (back in the 70's you could do and say anything). See? Before 10am, they just don’t eat cake!!

So anyway, the kids come barreling down the stairs and I have my cake sitting next to my coffee. Conversation goes something like this:

"What's that mom?"
"What? Nothing. That's...nothing."
"Is that cake?"
"What? Cake? No, I mean, yeah well, no that's...that's...yeah that's cake."
“Mom, can we have cake?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“But you’re eating cake!!”
“No, I’m not, I’m just…I’m not.” (I put the cake away)

Now I can’t eat my cake!! This is worse than being a kid! What? Wait…

So with this, I realize I must strategically plan my early morning cake eating. It must be well thought-out, pre-mediated, conniving, brilliant, and stealthy, because when it comes to cake or sleep, cake trumps sleep.

Take careful note all you cake eaters, for this is how it needs to be done:

1. Get up earlier than your kids and shove the cake down your throat.

There. Easy, right?

Now, let me go eat my cake…

14 comments:

w said...

what if. they got up even earlier and ate your cake? with mayernaise?

i wait until my girl is all into her toys and tv - at the same time - before i eat anything i don't feel like sharing. which is pretty much everything bad for me.

things that are good for me, i don't mind sharing. mainly because i know my girl won't want to share.

Insanity Kim said...

That is why, winn, I sleep with the cake under my pillow...

Yes, TV before junk food I always say!

And what is this "food that is good for me" that you speak of? Does it involve Vartanky with mayernaise?

w said...

oh my.

food that is good for me does not include your delicious cake. which looks awfully moi*t.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

I could have written this post...I soooo know what you mean. HOWEVER, being the craptastic mom that I am sometimes, I have indeed let my children eat cake for breakfast. I take the Cosby approach.
There is nothing better than a piece of cake or pie to have for breakfast with the morning brew!

Oh, by the way, about the Kaladi coffee, I had been explaining to my previous land lady that we roast coffee, then she told me she drinks Kaladi, and she brought me a bag of it. Is that the company your husband worked for?

Insanity Kim said...

HAHA! Cake...the universal symbol of moms gone wild...

Wow! Yes, Josh worked there for almost 15 years...I cannot vouch for coffee brought to you by your landlady, as it could have sat on her counter for days, weeks, and not been representative of the work Josh can do, ya know what I'm sayin'??

BTW are you on FB? Coffee talk might be easier that way!!! :)

Vickie said...

I have given my kids bad stuff to eat for breakfast. Cookies, cheese...hey, Mom is great, she gives us chocolate cake!

Insanity Kim said...

OK OK...I am a liar through and through...

Throughout the entire holiday season I let my kids eat pumpkin pie WITH whipped cream, every morning, for breakfast...chocolate cake, pumpkin pie...po-tay-toes, po-tah-toes...

I only admit this to release my friends from their guilt...I release you! Go "Cosby" on your kids!!!

Staci said...

I have mastered the art of shoving cookies in my mouth while the kids are eating oatmeal... I hide behind the cabinet doors as I put the dishes away :) They haven't caught on... yet!

Insanity Kim said...

I have been caught with "chocolate breath"...have you, Staci?? ;)

Cheeky Greek said...

I'm guilty of cake hoarding as well(and cookies, brownies,pie,chocolate,left-over chinese...yes, I love it and so does my three year old daughter). She has the nose of a bloodhound when it comes to food and she can eat as much as me sometimes, thats a lot! Yet she has managed to keep her little beanpole figure! Just yesterday I was laying on the couch feeling sorry for myself because I didn't feel good. I found a Twix in the pantry and was sneakily eating it behind a blanket. She heard crunching and said "what's that mommy? What's in your mouth?". I quickly shoved the rest in, just like the commercials and told her it was a secret mommy treat and it was all gone. She actually didn't protest, which was a first!

cassouletcafe said...

Don't forget to email me with your address and the coffee you want so I can have Beanroasters send them out!!!!
cassouletcafe@gmail.com

Lady Prism said...

ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!...I enjoyed reading this! I eat cake for breakfast too:)

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

You mean I wasn't supposed to let the Little Princess eat cake for breakfast? (snicker!) I figure it would be the same as donuts or cinnamon rolls or something decadent like that... ;) What about carrot cake? Then it could be considered 'healthy'... ;) I, too, have made sure to eat things I wouldn't let my daughter eat before she gets up...so I don't have to do the 'do as I say don't do as I do' thing... :)

Insanity Kim said...

OK, OK, YOU ALL CAUGHT ME! Stacy called me out. ;)

If you're even reading my post about the cereal, you will see I am feeding them COCOA CRISPIES!

Here's the deal, I don't WANT to share my cake!

OK? That's it. It's MY cake, and I want to eat.it.all.myself. There, I said it! Sigh...

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