Forget Chucky, Have You Ever Owned a Demonized Elmo Doll with Batteries?

When I think about it, it's no wonder kids are freaked out by toys. I mean, when I was a wee little lass, the most the toys would do to you was stare at you with a maniacal frozen stare, causing you to imagine they wanted to chew your feet off at the ankles while you stood paralyzed in fear, until you fell down because you no longer had feet, just stumps pulsating buckets of blood onto the walls of your room. It was basically a battle between you and your imagination, see?

Well wait, there was Kissing Barbie; she had a puckered face and a button on her back, which when you pressed it made her head move as if she were trying to lay a peck on Ken. Her head was hard. Rock hard. You couldn't push her nose in and cause her to look like she OD'd on Alum, like the other dolls. I had to know what was making her head so hard. 7-year-olds are curious that way...

So, my friend and I decided to do some surgery, and well, we peeled her face right off. Encased in her rubber face was a plastic skull, which I am sure James Cameron based the Terminator's skull off of. Freaked.me.out. I immediately took the face and skull and chucked them into my neighbor's yard, hoping they would mow over it before it rolled its way back into my house to attack me in my sleep.

And then there was that Winking Western Barbie. Cripes. She was like the Crypt Keeper with a makeover. And a cowboy hat. She had that one huge eye with plastic eyelashes? Again, push her back and she would wink at you as if to say, "Don'tcha worry hon, I won't KILL you!" *wink wink*. ACK!

So I had to rip her eyelashes off. And then I threw her away.

But these days, toys have batteries. And make noises. And move. And I swear they have some sort of evil soul, as they refuse to die when the batteries are obviously ready to move on.

I mean, have you ever walked past a baby doll or some battery-operated creature in the store and have it cry, yell, or bust out in song at you? I went all ninja one time on a babydoll in Kroger. Had my husband not been there to distract me with his outburst of laughter I might have been arrested. Seriously. These toys should be outlawed.

So, take the Tickle Me Elmo doll for example. That piece of...red fluffy fabric had a seizure every time you touched it, and it begged for you to "tickle Elmo again!" immediately after the minute-long, agonizing seizure. So like an idiot you did, over and over, and then you would put him on the linoleum, and watch him gyrate around. Then you would put him next to your sleeping Chihuahua, and let him scare the crazap out of your dog, and then you would put him under the couch pillow so grandma could get a good buzz and laugh. After all that fun you would give it to your kid, and the batteries were obviously getting low, because then Elmo was like, "tiiiiiiiickle Elllllmo ahhhhh...." so you think, good! I was getting bored with this thing anyway! Then Elmo gets lost in the toys on your kid's floor.

Until 2 am...

I would always go into check on my kids late at night, because we all know how stressful it can be, trying to fall asleep with toys threatening to take you down at the first sound of a snore. And even though I would always assure them that nothing was gonna happen, I would so want to say, "yeah, when I was your age I thought my Bert puppet was going to grow legs, run over to my bed and kill me!!!" But that would not help.

So once I made sure the kids were asleep, I started my way out the room only to step on something soft and hear the darkest, deepest, guttural, growling demon spawn groan I had ever heard,

"tiiiiiiiiiiiiiicklllllllllle Ellllllllllllmo aaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaaaaainnnnnnn..."

This thing was royally ticked off, nearing zombie state, and threatening me for being an easily amused, ignorant human being.

Every hair stood up on my body, (and in those days of extreme child rearing there were a lot) and I stood frozen, pretty sure I was about to fall over due to freshly chewed bloody stumps. Garnering all the bravery I could, I rummaged for the crazed monster and took it out of their room. I wasn't taking any chances.

But then I regained my age and, instead of removing the batteries, I tortured my husband with the thing for about 20 minutes. Then the next morning I called my dad and had Elmo answer his "hello". Dad wasn't phased, but instead super proud of himself because he was the one who bought the possessed machine...

I buried Elmo in an undisclosed location and we left the state.

PS It was my daughter's bday today. Guess what she got? A cute little dinosaur called, Screature, who screams, growls and tries to bite your fingers off if you pet him the wrong way. I am NOT joking! Oh, and it shoots water at you, like from 5 feet away. Awesome. I'll get the shovel...

If You Pee in the Woods but it Misses the Ground, Where Does It Go?

Can you pee in the woods? I mean, if you're a girl, can you maneuver yourself into an effective position for a quick tinkle in the thickets when you're on the road and far away, from smarmy gas stations, and towns with only one bullet-ridden stop sign, without having any problems whatsoever? How about your two-year-old daughter who was just potty trained? Yeah, I am about to flash back. Hope I don't pass out in the process...

See normally, I pack no less than 825 bags of stuff when going on a road trip that is longer than an hour. I mean, there are tons of things I cannot live without in an hour's span, and that doesn't change just because I am strapped into a hunk of metal and plastic going 80mph down a highway. Add in a hubby and two kids and well, it's a wonder we ever leave the house. Can we all say trailer hitch?

The list I wrote for a baby's diaper bag is nearly exhaustive (typing hurts) but once they hit a certain age, and there is more than one, and the trips are longer, the list gets well, more exhaustive. Here is what you should always have with you on a family "cross-country" road trip:

Water, like a few gallons or ten
A few pounds of snacks
Frozen ice packs
Napkins
Paper towels
Toilet paper
Toys of every sort, size, color and shape
Batteries
Music, books, musical books
DVD player
Movies
Pen and paper
Plastic Ziplock bags
Garbage bags
Decked out First Aid kit
Blankets and pillows
Coats
Sunscreen
Bug spray
Umbrella
Spare tire
Flares
Air compressor
Utility knife
Waterproof matches or flint
Gallon of hand sanitizer
Wipes
Necessary feminine hygiene products
Maps
GPS
Flashlight
Duct tape
Cell phone
Cell phone charger
AAA card
Cash
Your kids
4 full changes of clothes for each person, considering any and all weather patterns.
3 pairs of shoes, possibly snow shoes, roller-blades and stilts.

It's also a great idea to get in several epis of Survivorman, Man vs. Wild, Jeff Corwin and Macgyver...



if you watched enough Macgyver you probably packed a Bon Jovi CD, rubber band, a piece of chalk and a cocky attitude as well. Good for you.

But ya know sometimes you just get lazy.

One time while we were on a 4-hour drive to visit the Sea Life Center in small fishing town in Alaska, Audrey, who was two, decided she needed to pee. Now, normally my kids have the bladders of, well, something that can hold its pee for seemingly days on end. Like, a backwards camel or something. No, that's a weird visual. Moving on...

But she really needed to pee, and this was rather important because she was newly potty trained, and therefore not in any sort of absorbent diaper/pull up-type thing. And the genius that I am, I did not pack any extra clothes. Call me stupid if you must, but, I am sticking with lazy.

So we were like, an hour from any creepy gas station or a semblance of a town, and by town I mean a bar, fishing tackle shop and a creepy gas station. This is when we decided to pull over and have her pee in the woods.

Now, for a poor little child who had just run the rigors of potty training, who heard things like, "nooooooooo!" as she peed on the floor, this event was traumatizing at best. In her head I am sure she was all, "wait, I JUST started peeing in that big white bowl, just like Elmo does and now she wants me to pee on the ground? Again?"

Maybe I was distracted by the cars whizzing by in the distance, or the mosquitoes lining up to devour her backside, or her constant screaming, "no pee outside!" or the very real threat of bears, but once she let it go, none of it hit the ground. It all hit my thigh. No wait. Some of it got ALL OVER her too. Yeah, that's right...

So there I stood, holding a screaming child, both of us drenched with urine. I walked back to the car and hubby asked, "what happened?"

"I can't pee outside and I can't even teach my child to pee outside!" I sobbed, "the one time I myself tried to pee outside I was 6 and I got it all over my pants and when I came inside my mom asked me what happened and I lied and said the swings were wet and she didn't believe me so I went for the 'I laughed so hard I peed my pants' bit to which she told me I had lied to her and that it was a bad thing to do. Lie that is!"

"Did you pack extra clothes?" He asked.

So with that I sat in my pee-drenched jeans and Audrey sat in her pee-drenched jeans and she cried and I gnashed my teeth until we reached our destination an hour away.

One would think that hour-old pee stench is too much to take, but we were in a fishing town, so, the smell was masked quite nicely.

Do you know there are no real stores in fishing towns?

Yeah, no Wal-Mart, Target, JC Penney, Sears, Kohls, 7/11, nothing. There are tourist shops. And fishing tackle shops. And beer. Maybe a fish and chips joint...

We pulled up next to a shop that seemed to have at least fleece pull overs with Alaska all over them, so I set out to get clothes for myself and my poor little girl.

Guess what I found.

After scouring the whole store, the one store with any clothes at all, I bought a pair of boys swim trunks for 20 bucks for Audrey, and the only pair of pants, which were pastel, nearly transparent, pink capris, a size too small, for the bargain price of 45 bucks. For me.

I.was.delighted.

Thank goodness I had on white underwear.

So, I came out of the store wearing capris that distinctly showed my underwear line, and could rip at any moment, holding my daughter who needed a belt for her new swim trunks which were hiked up to her neck. My husband was thoroughly impressed with my choices and the price I paid, and I was completely ecstatic to walk around the sea life center wearing pants that showed every bulge and the fact that I hadn't shaved my legs that day.

Seriously I wanted to cry and drive straight home but, we had pelicans and otters and sea lions to see and star fish to pet. You know how kids under the age of 4 remember these things!

It was just so tragic because 3 pairs of pants were thrown away that day (there ain't no gettin' pee smell out of jeans that have steeped for 7 hours in urine, and, those capris, while they saved the day, really did no one any favors) and no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, people had to walk behind me, and I am sure my awesome super-tight transparent pink capris distracted them from looking at salmon spawning and the giant octopus, which really was the main attraction. There are no pictures of this fashion disaster. Even if there were, I would have rigged an abandoned microwave to decimate the pictures in while singing, Blaze of Glory.

Learn from this experience my friends. Pack your bags, and oh, get one of these like wendiwinn has, or at least get a friend who will send you one.

Happy to be back.

I am Experiencing a Hiatus, and No, I Don't Need any Ointment, Thank You...

Mentally gone? Hahahahaha that happened a long time ago! But seriously...

Some of my homies may have noticed I have been MIA in the comments...things have been changing around here...

So I am taking a hiatus. Yes. I am. Don't cry too much. It's not forever, but, it will probably be for a while.

If you're shocked and red in the face and screaming at me through your monitor, totally not liking this decision well, I have two things to say. 1. WOW! You really like me! You're weird (heh heh)! and 2. I am taking this time to work on my outside-of-the-home profession. No, not bull-riding, ASL interpreting.

My archives could use a good dusting off (hint hint). So, if any of you all leave me new comments I will be certain to write you back...but, in case you want some direction, here are some fan faves as well as my own...

Kimhulk
Planes
Mountain Climbing
I Love my Boy
I Love my Girl
Broken Computer Cords
Scary Petting Zoos
Potty Training
Junior Section
It's Not Cancer!

Here's a fun video to watch if you know nothing about interpreting, or Sign Language, or Vanilla Ice, because he fell off the face of the planet. Check out Keith Wann. I had the pleasure of working with him back in the day, before he was famous. Here's a taste of his comedy skits he takes all over the nation. I love the funny in all expressions!!




How long will I be gone? Not sure. Hopefully not too long. I hope you all will stick around until then, and that the party is still going strong when I get back!

Until then,

Rack of Lamb is not Wack, and You Will Never Watch Finding Nemo the Same Way Again if you Listen to THIS!!!

So the bday party for hubby went fantastic my friends (even though I had to scrub pink silly string out of the carpet, and I have to figure out how to get the stains off the walls)! Here's the lamb side by side w/ yesterday's professional pic:

OK...so it's not as pretty, and totally disgusting to prepare but, it was awesome nonetheless, and Gordon Ramsay might have given me a blank stare for my efforts, which from him is like the equivalent of winning the Nobel Peace Prize er something. And the cake?

Well, remember I told you all I wasn't crafty!! And, if you're wondering why there are 2 pieces of cake on my plate, it's not because I am a hopeless glutton (ummmm) it's because they are actually from two different cakes, one made by the kids and one made by me. I will chronicle that next week w/ plenty of pictures...stay tuned...

So, since I am totally too exhausted to do well, anything, I want to suggest that you all check out the podcast I was a guest on this past Tuesday if you haven't had the chance. You won't hurt my feelings if you don't, but, Kelly might have something to say about it...anyway...podcasts are a totally fun way to get to know the bloggers around you better, and what joy to discover they are just as funny when they talk as when they write!

I'm not talking about me actually, I am talking about Kelly from SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB. Her pod casts are so fun to be a part of, and our birds and bees talk quickly shifted into Kelly talking in whale for about 10 minutes (I would rate this particular podcast at a slightly milder PG13 compared to most, ya know, in case there are kiddos around your computer). One thing is for sure, you will never, ever, watch Finding Nemo the same way again.



Seriously, I have listened to the podcast again three times, as has hubby, and now we walk around speaking whale. Not in public. It's more of an inside joke. So, if you have some time and feel like laughing, go here. And don't tell me I have a weird voice. That would hurt my feelings.

After Doing This 18 Times, I am Pretty Good at It Now...

So today is the hubby's birthday. I still vividly remember the first birthday I celebrated with him! Every moment! And, I got him this:

Please. It was 18 years ago. Don't ask me questions I cannot answer. I can't remember a thing. Um...

So these days we are older, more pragmatic (I think) and basically all about just eating some good food and relaxing. So today, I will clean up the house, the kids will make a cake that starts out looking like this:


Which I pray will end up looking like this:

And then I will roll up my sleeves, imagine that Gordon Ramsay is in the room with me, but that he has laryngitis and an over-abundance of benevolence, and I will attempt to make this:

Which will be enjoyed with some of this:

And later when the kids are asleep, we will enjoy some of this:


With a glass or two of this:

While we watch the latest epi of this:

And at 3 am I just might get up and have more of this:

Shhhh don't tell!


Yeah, it's simple. But it's bliss...

I Share With You Inspiration, Not Perspiration...

So, I openly admit I am not crafty (crafty in the crafting sense, I will leave my otherwise conniving bag to your judgment), I don't scrapbook or sew or make fantastically awesome holiday crafts of cuteness or anything like that. Well, I bake, make truffles...no wait so I am not crafty BUT...I do like a good deal, and trying to figure out how to save money. See? By my not crafting I save money automatically!

Anyway...just thought I would whip out that tiny thread of serious domestic DNA in my otherwise droll body and share with yous guys some of my totally original, no-one-ever-thought-of, AMAZING and totally true and the greatest money-saving tips EVER! *cue awesome fanfare*

Milk: Milk does a body good, but it drop kicks and plants a sharp elbow in your budget, especially if you're buying organic, and especially if you have a growing boy in the house, and especially if you like an afternoon latte made on your fancy home espresso machine...wait.

OK so milk. To make your milk last longer, buy whole milk and add water to it! Yes! Pour half of what you would normally drink/use, and add water to the rest. You get two gallons for the price of one and you automatically reduce the fat! And, by the way, all you IBS suffererererers, you can digest whole milk easier than 1% or non-fat. Just sayin' because I know...

And juice! Sheesh, really good juice can be expensive too, especially if you're trying to avoid colored sugar water masquerading as a juice cocktail chocked full of "vitamin C". What I like to do is first, get a coupon for REAL juice, like a nice concord grape juice, which packs a true nutritional punch, and then buy a store brand real apple juice along with it, and mix the two together. While water would be cheaper, the truth is you can't tell any difference in the taste, and you're still saving money if juice is popular in your house. Apple juice can be mixed with any real juice yet not ruin the flavor.

Coupons! This may be old news for some, but I bet a lot of you don't actually put this little money-saving tip into practice like you should be. I use a site called The Coupon Clippers. I totally love them. A SAHM and some of her family members started this lil' business of clipping, and now they're a big fancy on-line business and I love them. Go check them out, and better yet, since they often have a limit of 5 coupons per item order, you can get in on it with a friend and split the coupons and clipping fees (which are VERY small!).

And they have great coupons guys, not just for random stuff you never buy. I have read about people buying $900 worth of groceries and only spending $200, but, I don't want 30 boxes of Hotpockets or 25 Bic pens, OK? I don't use coupons just to use them. But, I just shaved $47 off my grocery bill and I bought all organic/free range milk, eggs, meat, chicken AND fruit! Not that I had coupons for all of that stuff, but, the other coupons allowed me to get those things which I would otherwise pass up on.

Annnnnnd, many large grocery chains will have double coupon days, which means they will automatically double any coupon that is 50 cents or less. Check with your favorite grocery store for their in-store deals and their coupon policies. Imagine if you could save $50 every time you go shopping, still buying everything you want/need. SQUEEEEEEEE!

And my last tip? Learn to make your own pizza! When we moved and changed our lifestyle, we realized that our weekly purchase of pizza was out of the budget, seeing as we spent about $40 a week just on pizza! So, my hubby, who is uh-ma-zing (let's just get that out there right now), makes his own dough (and he doesn't even need to throw it in the air, which is good because the ceiling in the kitchen is only 7 feet high) and we buy all our own ingredients. We have figured out that with buying all the ingredients bulk, the cost for a "pizza" night for our family is about $6. Yes. six.dollars.per.pizza.night.

See? AND, he makes awesome bread, cinnamon rolls, bagels and pretzels. No, you can't borrow him. Well, let me think about that...yeah. No.

So, if you tend to go out weekly or order in for pizza, or Chinese, or whatever your fave is, consider learning how to make it at home. We have pizza every Friday night, and it is such a treat! You can even have your family get in on the baking process! We went ahead and invested in a pizza stone and pizza peel and it was totally worth it.

And there you have it folks. It don't get much more domestic than that for me so, relish it, and, find a coupon for relish. And use it. The end.

I Think I Write Better than I Speak...We'll Know Tomorrow for Sure!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND commence heaving.

No, I am not here to announce that I am preggers (sorry Surferwife, I know you were hoping to be the Godmother of my third child). I didn't even heave with either pregnancy. I'm not trying to brag, just saying...

So TOMORROW if all/some/a few of you have nothing going on at 12 pm EST, maybe you should tune-in to a pod cast. Why? Well, it's because I will be the guest blogger/speaker/guest, person! *Blink blink*. Yeah. That's what I am thinking...

But, Kelly of SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB must think I am not too much of a weirdo, or an embarrassment, because she is letting me on her totally fun weekly pod cast where she features bloggers and talks about such things as the Cav's Lebron James (you better learn who that is fast! Hurry! Google him!!!) current news topics, blog trends, anecdotal-cathartic thingamabobisms on life, and hysterical stories based on blog posts and whatever else comes to mind within a 30-minute span. If it all goes right, we will be just short of presenting to you a major train wreck. Not because of Kelly, but, because I have sweaty armpits and I can't talk well while hyper-ventilating...

We will be discussing such things as avoiding the sex talk with your children, botching the sex talk with your children, Sir David Attenborough, and I'll be sharing a little story about how Sir David Attenborough ruined my life and caused me to hide in the air conditioning unit, wanting to curl into a ball and disappear. Or maybe it was the whale...

And Kelly is fly, man. She's on her game, epigrammatic, full of quips and ready with the ever-fitting sound effect machine, her witty little finger poised to press the right button at the right moment. My armpits are sweaty even now just thinking about it!

So, if you're around, call in! Chat with us! It will be awesome! Go here tomorrow to find out when and how to call in and then here to do so. If you can't listen because you're not available (which may or may not be a blessing in disguise) you can listen later on, again go here to get the information.

Wish me luck y'all! I need it!!!

Sharing Love, and Warning of a Special Announcement...

Oh happy happy love love! The cloud of Valentine's Day has vanished, as has all the chocolate in the house, but, let's celebrate with something that is calorie free, are ya game? OK then, let's celebrate!

I was recently handed some great awards and so it's time to pass them on. DON'T STOP READING! Check out my disclaimer:

I know some bloggers are all poo poo on the awards thing now, so, this video is for you, because I love you all and want you to laugh with me and I haven't forgotten you don't like awards. So after watching this video you can stop reading and come back on Monday. I'll let you...



Now for the rest of us...onto the awards...there are a few of them y'all so, pay attention!

This first award was the last one to be awarded by Kelly of SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB. Kelly is the bomb-diggady doo I tell you. If you ever needed someone to save you from shadows in alleyways, fast-food cashiers, or contemptuous lunch ladies, Kelly is the Mac Daddy for you! (I don't know what that means.) And, she does podcasts too. She is pretty awesome man. That is why I was all honored and misty-eyed when she gave me the last award she will ever bestow on anyone. Ever. For now.

Nooooooooo I didn't make this myself she really gave it to me! And now here are some blogs made of total awesome that I must give this award to. And they are:

Domestic Dork. If she is a domestic dork, then I am a domestic nimrod. Awesome!

A Day in the Life of a Suferwife. Her recent post on an encounter with Cindy Crawford was just awesome dude! She also calls me Insantlyslim, which is just aweeeeeesome!

For Love or Funny. Lynn is so sweet and awesome and I love her photos and poignancy and her dog. I really really REALLY want to kidnap her dog and just mush her face repeatedly in my hands while saying something like, "schooobydooodooboodoodoo!" Don't worry she knows this. It's all awesome.

Here is the next award:

This award was given to me by a friend of 18 years and she is the author of E3P2S, a blog full of fantastic fashion, deep commentary and a general glow of love and light-hearted fun (and, if you love Star Trek, check out her The Warp Project blog, it is awesome!). For most of those years we were busy growing up and becoming adults, and basically lost touch, but friendship has come full circle from being cohorts in newspaper class to old buds here in Bloggyworld! This award is for bloggers who simply dazzle the reader as their posts come alive with hysterical or thought-provoking words, images and ideas. They are often setting (or breaking!) the trends, cannot be duplicated, and are followed loyally.

This award goes to:

A Fabulously Good Life. She digs deep man, and always brings up gold. She is dang funny too!

E3P2S. Yep, giving it right back, you deserve it!

Much More than Mommy. She is much more, and she has exploded into a wonderful song and dance in Bloggyworld. But she won't watch The Office. That totally infuriates me!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!! <--- yes that was purposeful.

Wendiwinn. She gets this award because she takes what is mirco to macro, and because of her ability to beautify not only her own blog but the blogs of others, adding a piece of her wonderfulness to all she touches. Gag.

Now THIS award was given to me by Much More than Mommy, which is really nice because I nearly caused her to choke to death while she was reading my computer cord post.

This award is for the bloggers who cause you to, obviously, pee your pants, spit coffee onto your laptop and ruin it, soil your undies, ROTFL or LOL or LMAO whatever those acronyms are. I don't use them. I prefer to say things like, "hahahhahaha! That was funny man!" Anyway, here are the recipients of this award:

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB. I remember the day I found her blog and was all, whoa. She's speaking, and I am listening, and laughing. You should too. Go. Now!

The Creative Junkie. I am not afraid to say she is one of the best blog writers out there right now, because I am sure all who read her would agree with me, including her. She's not braggy or anything, I would just think she knows what I am talking about since she writes it all...

Hey Lola. She does not post nearly enough, but saving the world from mutant octopi, with her imaginary FBI agent baby, is time-consuming I am sure. I squeal when I see a new post to read!

Sounds Like Tomatoes. If you like nostril hair, Edward Cullen pocket dolls that are brought to life, and shameless confessions written in list form, then she is for you!

And this last award, the Sunshine Award, also from Much More than Mommy, goes to all on my blog roll and "my homies" button display. No, this is not a cop-out! As I have always said, you're all there for a reason and I sincerely try to get to and read every post and comment. You are all the buffet of my morning reading and you all add so much to this hobby I enjoy with all my heart! Happy love sap sap!


And, stop by Monday for a special announcement that makes my pits sweat and makes me wanna hurl. Oh aren't you all just filled with curiosity-ness!!!

Peace out y'all!

It's All Fun and Games Until You Get Cat Poop in your Eye!!

No matter how hard I try, I just ain't the cool mom.

And by cool I don't mean the mom with the freshly did highlights/lowlights, Bailey Button Bomber Uggs and a Red Bull, sitting with her Ipad at the park, but cool as in the mom who is calm, cool and collected, and doesn't scream things to her kids at the park like,

-"ACK! Don't climb that tree you'll break your leg and get gangrene!"

-"NOOOOOOOOO!! Don't sit there, I see bird poopie everywhere! Birds are EVIL!"

-"HEY!! What did I say??? Don't eat anything!"

-"Don't touch that! You need hand sanitizer!!! Yes! drink it!"

-"Yo' mister...don't act like that, now FIND YOUR SISTER AND PLAY WITH HER AND STAY WITH HER...I NEED TO SEE YOUR RED SHIRTS MORE CLEARLY!"

-"WHOA! Don't touch that leaf! It could be totally poisonous!"

-"FOR THE LOVE don't go near that squirrel! It has rabies or scabies or plague!"

-"I don't care where the swings are, I am sitting right here so don't go anywhere I can't see you without turning my head!"

-"In fact, don't run, don't play, don't look, don't stand in the sun!"

-Don't Don't Don't DON'T!

OK maybe it's not that bad, but, I haven't followed any parents, dragging their kids to their cars, to see if they mutter anything about the crazy woman who drove their family out of the park with her constant screaming and irrational parenting skills...more than once.

Anyway.

It never pays off to let go and let my kids be "kids".

No. It doesn't.

Like, when Jacob found broken glass and cut his fingers...Audrey started picking up bees, Jacob watched a friend eat a band aid, Audrey fell 4 feet to the ground from the monkey bars straight onto her tailbone, and she ate a berry that Poison Control could barely identify. See? The minute I try to let them go a little...

And you KNOW it's never good when they are alone anywhere, especially in the house, totally quiet...like the time I caught them under the bed eating Styrofoam, or drawing mustaches on their faces with permanent marker, which lasted no less than 3 days...

Nope. I gotta be on them like a nose on a face. Always.

Not too long ago I was with my friends and all the kids at the school grounds. I was actually back home visiting, so the whole play date thing was a blast and I was totally loving hanging with my best girlfriends and their kids. We had a lot to catch up on, thus a lot to talk about.

So when the kids all ran off and squatted next to the school wall looking at the ground, I didn't think much of it, and figured they had found ants or marbles or something that would keep their interest for about 30 seconds before they ran off to do something else, so, after a few sideways glances and assurance from my friends that I didn't need to scream anything in their direction, I just decided to be cool.

About 2 minutes later, I couldn't help but look over, and I saw the kids dumping what looked like sand on each other's heads. For me this was an appropriate reason to step in because really, I was only guessing it was sand, because suddenly I remembered one of the kids yelling, "hey, look at all these blue rocks!" just a few seconds earlier. Blue rocks??

By the time my friends and I got over to them, all the kids had taken turns dumping the blue rocks and sand on each other's heads. Blue rocks and sand that were supposed to absorb odors. And urine. Cat urine.

How do I know this?

1. I owned cats.
2. I know what cat litter looks like.
3. I know what cat poop looks like. Even when it's laying on a school playground.

Some WONDERFUL FANTASTIC PERSON decided to dump DIRTY CAT LITTER on the school grounds! And our kids were covered in it.

My first question was,

"DIDN'T ANY OF YOU SEE THAT CAT POOP SITTING NEXT TO YOU??"

Sigh. Never before had I thought to warn my kids of cat poop.

Suffice to say we did our best to pick what we could out of our kids' hair before gagging and crying and running through any ideas of diseases we might encounter as we lined our car seats and prepared for the waaaaaaaay too long of a drive home to decontaminate our children. I did manage to say in between my moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth, "I knew I should have jumped in with my mad, irrational parenting skills!!"

I am completely justified, right? RIGHT???

Can You Still Be a Superhero if you Can't Get the Spandex Suit On?

So all weekend I have been stuck in the house due to snot and snow and I have been subjected to this (please watch so you will understand):



My son plays the opening credits to Astroboy about 8,922 times a day, and while this minute-long song is assaulting my brain, he ricochets off every surface in the house in a wild ninja/robot/warrior fashion without the slightest regard for anyone else in his proximity, meaning his foot could make contact with your nose at any time, or he might create a new cup holder...in the wall...and while I love having new random places to set my tea, I am overly disturbed by this cartoon series he is obsessed with. It's just weird.

But you know what? I totally love that he has no idea I am sitting here watching him save the world, honing his mad fighting skills while he stands against invisible mad scientists who are trying to wipe out an entire generation of feeling, thinking, AI robots who are his closest friends. The boy saves the world every day with wild abandon and I LOVE it!

But see I am really good at pretending I don't see him, or hear him, or care that his foot is in my face. Because seriously how much longer am I gonna be privy to his imagination? How much longer will I get to listen to his monologues, or watch him sneak around corners, attacking the air? Pretty soon he will be embarrassed around me and of me, and he will lock himself in his room playing video games, while I stand outside the door asking, "what are you doing in there? Wanna watch Astroboy?" To which I will hear, "Astroboy is for babies, leave me alone!"

SOB!

But there is another reason I love this so phase so much and shhhhh...I'll share the secret with you if you're really, REALLY quiet and don't tell anyone else ever! Ready?? Here it is:

I sometimes still pretend I am a superhero too...

Well, just because I'm 35 and have weak ankles doesn't mean I have given up MY imaginary world of superhero awesomeness. It's fun to pretend I could blast any bad guy away and break some windpipes with my fists and totally save the world from death and destruction while looking smoking hot and wearing 4 inch heels! In the past 10 years I have imagined I was this person:

And honestly I am not sure if it's because of the gorgeous black leather outfit, or because she can wield two gigantor guns in such a way that would make Dirty Harry curl up in a ball and cry. I, however, cannot; the one and only time I shot a gun, I first stood there for 20 minutes looking at the target with tears in my eyes clutching the 22 while Josh explained, gently coaching me, "hon, you can't let go of the gun until you fire it, those are the rules in a shooting range!" yet I just stood there shaking and feeling like an idiot until I shot it and then immediately dropped it due to the itty bitty recoil. Then I felt like a bigger idiot.

Then there was her:

Again, not sure if it's due to the fantabulous wardrobe, the chance to fight pirate zombies, or, um, what...

...


Can you think of any other reason? Yeah, neither can I...

And then with the Battle Cry, "I AM NO MAN!" I SO pretended I was her:

Audrey's new hero by the way, which is so cool because Audrey means, "noble strength". I now have the needed constitution to kill spiders, thanks to Eowyn.

And lately, if I am feeling particularly superhero-ish, I pretend I am her:

Ever since Liquid Television popped up in the early 1990's, and I saw Aeon catch a fly in her eyelashes I thought man, her outfit is downright scary and I am not too sure if I can make my hair do that or that I would really want a fly that close to my eyeball but DANG! She dies in every episode and then is back to seek her revenge in the next episode with nary a bruise or having a serious wardrobe malfunction!

I suppose this escape to superhero-ness is just my creative way of looking through the Lens of Life where I save the family from the lack of clean underwear, starvation, solicitation calls at dinner time, and sinks full of nasty crusty dishes...in a fun and dramatic way.

In fact, I even have my own superhero theme song. Wanna hear it? This is it.



If you listen to this song while house cleaning, your whole house will be sparkling clean in 3 minutes and 38 seconds flat. I LOVE this song! In fact I love her hair...maybe I want to be her today and be an awesome lead singer of a British band...I'll work this out in the shower later...

So now that I have dared to be uber vulnerable and shared a deep dark secret with you all, you are now legally and morally obligated to tell me if you pretend to be a superhero as well, so I don't feel all weird and awkward in our now delicate and initmate relationship...got it?