Wednesday, November 24, 2010

When I Become Ruler of a Small Island, I will Open Grocery Stores, and People will Buy Their Produce by the Tz

Grocery shopping is awesome! It's like going to a concert with a buffet and a lottery!

concert + buffet + lottery = awesome!

Mainly because I get to howl, at the top of my lungs in the car, to the music I like while driving to the store (because I shop alone), and because I love all the money I save using coupons. AND because the store I shop at plays rockin' music from the 80's and 90's. Except for that cover of "Like a Prayer". The chick singing that song sounds like she's preforming in a local theater musical. Drunk. They could take that version out of the musak loop...and they could wipe off the check out line belt tops more frequently but...

So I have a very OCD stream-lined way of shopping. I am so fanatical talented I can picture each aisle and write my list in the order of the items in the aisles.

I use exactly 2 cart wipes every time.

I shop the aisles first, then the perimeter.

I even group all my items together while loading them onto the belt, ya know, like fruits, veggies, meats, frozen foods, toiletries, boxes, cans of like items...

And I always buy myself a Coke.

Then I get home, and wipe down all the items and my fridge with a bleach towel before putting everything away.

Grocery shopping is awesome. I get to fill my house with food. *feeling all warm and thankful and fuzzy*

But, there is a conspiracy tucked quietly into a certain corner of the store...

See, once I get to the produce section, I become paranoid and irritated...well, more so than usual. There was that one time someone stole my cart w/ bananas in it (something I liken to the experience of alien abduction) and then there is my on-going mistrust of the produce scales, that's the real conspiracy!

I am pretty sure the scales are rigged to show produce weighing-in less than it really does, so you'll bag up more and not notice the insanely high price you pay when you check out. How can I possibly pay $10 in bananas when they are 39 cents a pound? Again with the bananas. Frickin' driving ME bananas...

OK OK. That was a slight exaggeration. But still. Those scales are not to be trusted. I am 88.2% sure of that!

So there I was, needing to buy some red potatoes in bulk, and I knew I didn't want to bag over 3 pounds, but at the same time, I knew I couldn't trust those cold, slimy scales hanging from the ceiling like robotic money grabbers...

Then it hit me.

For the past month or so, I have been carrying around three pounds nearly every second of every day! ZIMMY!

Yes! I have been a home-grown, domestic version of Paris Hilton, carrying Zimmel around Bookstores, Best Buy, soccer games, Starbucks and Dick's Sporting Goods, to name a few places...SURELY my under-used muscles could determine what 3 pounds feels like!

So, I bagged my potatoes, and gingerly cupped them in the crick of my arm, and began petting the plastic bag of taters ever so gently as I cooed, "gooooood little boy!" while walking circles around my cart, and ignoring the wide stares I was suddenly garnering as I assessed the approximate weight of what would become smashed taters on Thanksgiving Day.

"Yep! That's about 1 Zimmy!" I declared victoriously to my new oglers.


So now, I shop with even MORE money saving confidence, because I no longer weigh my produce by oz. or lb. in those scandalous scales; I weigh by tz.** (Tzimmy).

1 tz. = 3 pounds


8 small red potatoes = 1 tz.

this + this = this
+ =

Isn't that great? Now I can coddle and stroke bananas, onions, peaches and tomatoes with confidence in order to determine if they weigh more than a tz. or less than a tz.

Or, I could simply kangaroo up with Zimmy (he often rides inside my zip-up hoodies and pokes his head out of the top of the zipper. I tuck the bottom of the hoodie under his feet and we are good to go) at the store and perform a little surprise juggling act to amaze store employees so they won't kick me out for bringing in a live animal before I get to buy my organic naval oranges.

Either way this new system of weighing items simply adds to my grocery shopping pleasure. Awesome.


**Tzimmel is the nickname a dear friend invented for little Zimmel, which works out perfect for my new weight conversion abbreviation. She knows a lot about dogs, especially her dog. She picks out red potatoes by measuring them against the size of her dog's poo. That way she gets the perfect size for her famous potato au gratin. Hmmm...I might skip her au gratin...


Teisha said...

Grocery shopping equals happiness in my pants because I get to do it alone. That fast became one very perverted sentence. I don't even get to pee alone anymore. Oh woh is me. Also, I need a Zimmel to help weigh my produce because I agree eleventy hundred percent those scales are jacked up.

w said...

i can't believe you didn't give a name to your dear friend. ahem. i bet it's something like steve mcgarrett. <--- using the direct approach.

power to the tz!

Carapace said...

That's a fantastic way of gauging weight! Did it work?

Dee at Pedestrian Palate said...

My dog is 42 pounds, proving once again what a worthless hound dog she is. Unless there is a way to make money off her sleeping all day. Still haven't figured that one out. Hope you had a happy thanksgiving.

The Retired One said...

What exactly are you ON? I want some. Now.
Seriously, have you been drinking again??

Aries said...

Wow, had never tried go grocery shopping with a pet dog hidden in zip-up hoodies. Wouldn't that be uncomfortable? Well, maybe never try never know. Sounds like you enjoy your shopping very much. Have a nice day

Stephanie said...

You my friend have made me look at Grocery shopping in a whole new way:) Thanks for that b/c I HATE it!

Stephanie said...

Hope you have a great night:)

Forgot to say!

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