Sunday, December 5, 2010

THIS SNOW IS RUINING MY CHRISTMAS SEASON!

I *might* be a wee bit crabby today, and it *might* have to do with the fact that I can't turn my head to the right, because it is completely whacked out from nothing more than the apparently dangerous activity of sleeping...but in fact, I think it's mainly because it is snowing outside. This is what I think of snow right now...


See this remnant of a snowman? Someone around here built him with love and joy and all that blah blah yakity yak yak. And yesterday, he had a sweet lil' smile on his face. But then, he slowly started leaning towards the ground at the end of the day. This morning I found the happy snowy guy bent over with his head splattered all over the pavement.

No, I did not kick his head off his body and smash it into obliteration. Moving on.

See, we now live in an area of the country where snow is a novelty, at least in any amount over 1 inch that stays for 3+ days. We are experiencing that phenomenon at this very moment. This is all great and gravy and wonderful, when you're inside, next to a crackling fire, drinking a home-made eggnog latte off your fancy espresso machine, watching Elf for the 76th time, because you have nothing else to do and HEY! it's snowing so, going out in your fancy light windbreaker, and sandals, would be just plain crazy!!!

But I have kids.

Kids want to go outside. In the snow.

They want to play in the snow. And make cute little forts and happy snowmen and serene snow angels and have AFV-worthy snowball fights. This is GREAT in oh, say, the NORTH...

But in the southeast portion of the US?

BLARGH!

Snow + Southeast Portion of US = BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHING CRIPES!!!



Here's why:

Kids: "MOOOOOOOOOOOM! We want to go outside and play in the SNOW!"

Me: "Blarghing Cripes!"

I proceeded to open every closet and drawer to concoct some sort of winter attire, suitable for my kids to romp around in slushy, wet snow, most certainly mixed with dirt, dog poop, and any other nasty germ that isn't killed by freezing weather.

20 minutes later I had torn apart my entire house to come up with two pairs of jeans, two pairs of thick polyester track pants, two pairs of soccer socks, two pairs of wool socks, 2 three-layer sets of shirts, a pair of rain boots for the boy, my fancy pair of GAP brown boots for the girl, two pairs each of "one side fits all" cotton gloves, one pair of over-sized "wow, we didn't throw these out when we moved here?" gloves, and my fancy leather gloves, for the girl...all of this covered by their "winter" coats and hoods.

It doesn't snow where we live.

Do you know how long it takes to get two squirming, semi-cooperative children, talking randomly about everything from Pokemon to jumping spiders, into ALL that attire? I'll tell you. About 25 minutes.

45 minutes of my life. Gone.

It was then time to go outside.

Me: "OK kids, here are the rules. Do NOT throw snow in each others face, or down each others back, do NOT touch any yellow snow, do NOT eat ANY snow, yellow OR white, do NOT mix snow with dirt to make mud. Understood?"

Kids: "YeahmomwegotitletusgooutsideandplayNOOOOOW!"

15 flippin' minutes later, they were begging to come inside. Here's what happened within those 15 minutes:

Audge: "Moooooooooooom! Jake won't stop throwing snow at me!"

Jake: "Moooooooooooom! There is yellow snow EVERYWHERE!"

Me: " Jake, do NOT throw any more snow at your sister! And, that is not yellow snow."

Jake: "Yes it is, there is dog pee EVERYWHERE!"

Me: "Jake, do you see any dog tracks?"

Jake: "No?"

Me: "Well, I know dogs are talented, and can mark their territory with amazing precision and distance but, that is not yellow snow."

Jake: *Brings me a chunk of snow* "See mom?"

Me: "That is DIRT! Don't play with it!"

Jake: "I am not having a good time, there isn't enough snow!"

Me: "This is KENTUCKY! What do you expect??"

He rallied and made a small snowman.

Jake: "MOOOOOOOM! Look at my snowman! MOM!"

Me: "I can't!"

Jake: "Why?"

Me: "I CAN'T MOVE MY HEAD TO THE RIGHT!"

So I took a quick picture by sticking my arm out the door.


See it? It has a branch for a scarf.

They also made a small fort and endured an agonizing papped pic for me, as I stood outside in my PJ's, holding Zimmel, who was shivering so hard I was pretty sure he was gonna shake his eyeballs right out of his head.


Then, after those 15 minutes, they were COVERED in little snowballs, which were beginning to melt, and they tried to barge in the house at the same time.

Even though their noses were red and running and their fingers were nearly blue, I made them continue to stand outside as I beat them from head to toe with the gloves, to get all the snow off that I could (not because I was angry or anything), and then I forced them to stand on towels, laid over plastic bags, while I slowly peeled off the outer layer of their freezing wet, germ-laden clothing. This took another 20 minutes. An hour of my life had been used up for 15 minutes of playing in dirty, wet snow. Joy to the world!!!

I am NOT about to go out and by snow suits and gloves and boots for kids who won't fit into them come next year for a season that normally looks like this, like last year, on Christmas Day:


It does not snow here!!!

After the 15 minutes of playtime I had at least TWO loads of laundry to do and I had to clean and disinfect the kids and the surrounding areas exposed to the outside elements.

Once they were clean and thawed, the kids were glowing and bouncing around, demanding hot chocolate. I gave into their demands, and, just as the last dollops of whipped cream were added to their cups, I collapsed on my park bench couch to write this post.

Can someone make me an eggnog latte for the love??? I am about to cry!

7 comments:

The Lost in Suburbia Blog said...

I hate snow too and we have a flippin ski house in Vermont!! GO figure that one out!
(By the way, our snow in New Jersey is neither yellow or brown.. it is radioactive sludge colored.)
Enjoy your latte!

Aries said...

Those who are living in Asia like me and folks here find it fascinating to see snow, most of my friends and relatives couldn't wait to experience winter with snow and all. Guess when having to live with it, it kinda sucks, like rain, I suppose. Merry Christmas to you and family in case I don't have a chance to say it on that day.

Teisha said...

I also hate snow and won the worst mommy of the year award when I made my 1.5 year old stay inside (gasp!) while the four year old went outside and played in it. She watched through the window and whimpered like a little puppy but there was NO WAY I was going out there.

Barb said...

Hi. I stumbled on your blog. Your post is hilarious! I have 3 boys and we spent 4 years in Alabama. The same thing would happen to us about once a year. And they'd whine that we didn't own a sled or snow boots. Now we live in the midwest where we get a decent enough amount of snow to make boots and snow pants worth the money. Once, when they had no boots, I just wrapped their feet in plastic bags and rubber bands!
And once, while living in AL, we went to KY for Christmas and got like 10 inches of snow! :)

I am Harriet said...

Hey Kim!
Don't even get me started on the weather. I'm not too far from you. I hear we are about to get hit again.

How's it going- otherwise?

The Lost in Suburbia Blog said...

Kim, everything OK? You haven't posted since Dec. 5? Just want to make sure you haven't come down with the swine flu or a bad case of the holiday blues!! :)
Tracy

ModernMom said...

I am about to cry! You don't get snow? WTH? Why do we get all the snow? Honestly, our snowbanks are 6 feet tall right now. You can have ours I have had enough:(

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