Saturday, November 22, 2008

Chasing an 8-Month-Old

I am so sick of celebrity moms. Why do I read People Magazine on-line? Why? What is wrong with me? Seriously, do I have NOTHING better to do with my life?

OK for now I will put the self-loathing aside and ponder the mystery of celebrity moms (this could be PMS talking so, excuse me while I rant).

If I have to read another article about how these women stay fit by skipping meals and “chasing their 8-month-old around” I am going to explode into tiny pieces all over my apartment living room. OK, so I don’t HAVE to read the articles, but, are you kidding me? I not only chase, I follow, lead, tend to, wrestle with AND clean up after two kids everyday. I should then be the skinniest, fittest person on the planet! We ALL should be! Who doesn’t chase their kid(s) around? What mom gets breakfast, let a lone a full meal, at ANY time? And yeah, chasing an 8-month-old around…well, none of them have been delusional enough to actually say that in a sentence about a baby that is still crawling, maybe they mean they’re chasing their target weight on treadmills. Besides, I am sure their publicists are checking every word that comes out of their food-deprived mouths, BUT there have been about three celebs now that have babies, about that age, that have blurted out that they keep in shape by chasing their kid around...even though the baby is, yeah, an 8-month-old. Do you all remember having an 8- month-old? Was he flying around the house at mock-2 speeds? Was baby a blur for over half of the day because he was whipping around the house, not because you were sleep deprived? Did you resort to nets and traps just to catch him? Were you truly chasing him so much that you said, “wow! Forget exercising today! I chased my 8-month-old ALL DAY and I think I burned 1850 calories (because they fly through the house at such high velocities that you must be in the best shape to keep up). Thank goodness I don’t need any food to keep going!!”

For the ones that are honest, I give kudos, as they admit they have that baby, hire 800 nannies, and then work out three hours a day while being served 2 ounces of poached salmon and spinach three times a day by their personal chef! My “mommy ritual”? I stagger (because staggering burns more calories than walking) out of bed, make my coffee, and eat a cookie. Where is my nanny?

Anyway, whether it is the hard work and help, or the constant chasing for those who have the cyclone babies, they in fact lose all their baby weight in three weeks just in time for their papped, “postbaby” awards shows, movie premieres, or charity events. And, just in case they don’t, airbrushing and Photo-shopped photos take care of those last few pounds, and stretch marks, and (GASP!) cellulite. But while chomping at the bit for their first mommy-baby magazine cover, what do they ALL inevitably end up saying anyway? “Oh, you know, I just keep in shape by chasing my kid around all day.”


Photo from archives, post baby bodies...ugh...


w said...

it's 11:06am. i just had my breakfast. which was a delicious spritz of crest mint toothpaste.

that's how *this* celebrity mom diets.

Insanitykim said...

Oh yum! I need the recipe for that!!!

StudiusMaximus said...

Very funny, hon!

robin said...

the reason why i am slightly plumped even tho i chase my kids around all day? i DIVE into the fridge at exactly 8 30 every night to relive my stress......however! this celebrity momma spent exactly 15 miniutes on the treadmill yesterday! woop woop!

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