Friday, December 26, 2008

I Need to Stop Shopping the Junior Section (like at Fred Meyer)

How do I know I need to do this? Well, probably because I am usually the only one there pushing a cart through the mercilessly skinny aisles, filled with milk, trash bags and hemorrhoid cream, with two kids grabbing every other clothing item they see and throwing them on the floor. I get Jr. High School-worthy scowls and rolling eyes from teenagers every time, but, I don’t care...much. And truly, when I have the guts to venture in, I never find much.

Of course I am not interested in advertising my own Muffin Top, or wearing a “vintage” tee or donning Lycra-woven dresses. But, every time I step into the “women’s” section, and I start to see those boxy wool sweaters with holiday themes and shiny buttons, the gray hairs on my head start to glow like Frodo’s sword in LOTR and I can feel my neck skin sag a little closer to my feet. I have to rush over the thongs in the lingerie department just to reverse the effects…and I hate thongs…that’s just how far I’ll go…

Because of this, on-line shopping, especially at Old Navy, is now my standard M.O.

But what am I supposed to do? I am learning that “50” is the new “30”, so I guess that puts me at about 15-years-old or so? Which is fine, ‘cause I am, once again, feeling awkward and not sure about where I fit in…should I be telling the teens to go buy some onesies and leave me alone?

Some women my age really have it down; these perfectly coiffed women wear cute, classic, yet “young” outfits, adorned with just the right amount of “bling”, and to-die-for shoes. And, I am assuming they are either millionaires or in a fashionably fabulous financial hole. Or, I am just so blasted bad at clothes shopping that I need a full-time tutor.
If I were ever nominated for “What Not to Wear” Stacy and Clinton would kill me. I would desperately be trying to escape their manicured grips, running for the first Old Navy I saw, demanding the ONE shirt I like in every color, any pair of pants in a size 6, and all the coupons they had handy. Stacy would hurl her Louboutin shoe at my head, as I ran to the register (in my comfortable and sensible clogs), hoping she rendered me unconscious or put out my eye. That’s when I would break the heel off, point it at Clinton and tell him that I think his plaid pants are too tight. My, that would be an ugly episode…

Anyway I actually DID brave the mall to stop into Old Navy last month and buy some turtlenecks, because my old ones had holes, and my zits have decided to party on my neck recently (TMI? Sorry…you have to suffer with me). I kid you not, I think two teenagers were purposefully out to ruin my day, like, they knew how pathetic I was in HS, so they followed me, and mocked every shirt I picked up, with some garble-y slang I really didn’t understand and nauseating giggles. Their Heathers-like behavior propelled me back to the halls of Secondary Education Hell, causing me deep grief and anxiety, and the strong desire to listen to Depeche Mode. I am not, by nature, a person that seeks revenge BUT…if I could have gotten their Blackberries and stepped on them with a Louboutin heel, I would have.

Oh HOW am I going to survive The Teenage Years with my daughter? At least by then I will have made peace with elastic waistbands and sweaters adorned with reindeer, I hope…

But until then, I will shop, on-line, in the safety of my own home, away from the scary teenagers and possible heels of Stacy, praying that Old Navy doesn’t change their sizes and keeps “The Basics” around for me to buy in every color. Yes, I am stickin’ to my Levi’s 518 boot-cut jeans (the best jeans in the world in EVERY way) and I will probably layer tanks, henleys and cardigans for the rest of my life.

18 comments:

melissa said...

thanks for stopping by! LOVE your blog!! i can totally relate. i don't want to dress like an old woman but...my body...despite the fact that i'm around 20...because if 50 is the new 30 then 40...yay...but, my body doesn't look like a 20 year old ...or a 30 year old for that matter!

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I loved this post. lol Too funny!

Insanity Kim said...

Melissa, check out the post I did on John Mayer's song, then you'll know what you'll have to look forward to! I actually think 30 is the new FIFTY, once you have kids...hmmm...

Hey Crazy, isn't it the truth? ;)

-Insanity

w said...

dude.

i'll take you shopping. there will be no mocking of kim when she's with the wendiwinn.

we'll go to target and buy puffy bell tops with gold spandex tights. (i was there today. they do have those items.)

i would not, however, condone the stomping of blackberries. we can just steal them and crank call tokyo.

and you already know how i feel about stacy and clinton. they tell people what to wear because they overcompensate for their own insecurites. jay leno wanna be and jay leno wanna be with.

Insanity Kim said...

hahah Winn! Totally laughed out loud!!!

I want those tights...

Vickie said...

I saw your blog on Zimbio. Wanted to visit. I love your blog. I can relate to this post. Sometimes people and teens still make me feel like I did in high school. I also like your last post. What a hoot!

Insanity Kim said...

Thanks for the kudos Vickie! I think I responded back on there...I am trying to figure it out as well! I am off to check out your scrap booking site!

Jailbird said...

so very funny - I'm totally right there with you!

Jailbird

Vickie said...

I was trying to put your button on my blog, but your protector wouldn't let me. I saw the code, so I thought it was okay...sorry.

Kristi W. said...

Yo, size 6 at Old Navy? Sweet girlfriend. I don't think you should be complaining if that's what you're rolling in these days... ;) Muffin tops or no, size 6 is a very respectable size at any age. BTW - You are too cool to worry about teenagers snickering at you. You should have turned around and said something about their mommy needing her mini-van back. hehehe. There is no intimidating the kim-shee.

Skype this week maybe? I know I've been way off the map lately. Still love ya though.

Insanity Kim said...

Vicki,

By highlighting the code and hitting Ctrl C it should still work! Let me know if it doesn't tho- thanks!

Insanity Kim said...

Kristi-

I never said the size 6 pants actually FIT!!!

(whispers, muffin top!!)

;)

The Happy Mom said...

I still like to shop in the junior section too once in awhile- I usually buy very classic clothes, like Banana Republic and Ann Taylor, but when I want something kind of trendy and don't want to spend a lot of money, I'll shop the jr. section at Kohl's or Forever 21 (and I'm definitely not 21 anymore!)

Veronica Lee said...

Happy New Year and welcome to MBC !!!

Eli said...

I *LOVED* this post! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!

AMH615 said...

I'm 40 and still like to shop in the juniors section. Why are the women's clothes so dang ugly? I just bought a new pair of Old Navy jeans last weekend! So, NO, when your little one is a teenager, you probably won't have come to terms with it.

Cheeky Greek said...

Ok, so I know this is an old post, but I just have to comment, and maybe you'll see it. So, yeah, I've been having my nasty zits creep down onto my neck as well, weird...and not cute! Oh, and Depeche Mode...I still love them! And yes, more and more I'm finding only one or two shirts at Old Navy that I like and therefore I want them in every color they have, except the gross colors. Were we separated at birth? I think so! Unless you like the gross colors.

Insanity Kim said...

Yes, I think, at least, I am a long lost relative, as I think I am more CC's age, (therefore a twin) than yours...but, I am more your color, so...

THAT'S IT!! Zits and lizard skin shall be covered! We are just going to have to grow our beards...know of any traveling circuses that need great writers?? ;)

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