Kim's Tirade about Horse Poop and Other Things...

As I was cleaning the tub toys and tub to prepare for my daughter’s bath, I noticed that almost all of my son’s “action figures” were missing their heads, which, in my mind, are important parts of an action figure! I growled as I cleaned the toys, thinking it was time to let the toy manufacturers know what they were putting parents through. How dare you, Mr. Big Corporate Toy Companies, wooing us with amazing toys, commercials that are beyond compelling, and discounted Holiday prices! We are visually teased for months on end until we finally cave, convincing ourselves this is “the toy” our child MUST have, and we run out like the salivating dogs we are to buy it! However, is there ever only one, “the toy”? Oh no! There are hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of new and exciting toys that come out every week! So, when we leave the store after our Holiday spending debauchery, we are thankful we went shopping without our children, because there would be no place to put the kids. We would have to leave them at the store with the Cashier! How else would we get the toys home?

So back to those headless action figures. Why do their heads have to come off? I don’t ever remember opening a package and seeing multiple heads for a doll to wear. It’s not like shoes, it’s a head! They don’t have “multiple personality/emotion man” that looks one way when he is happy and another when he is in combat! Barbie doesn’t have a “carefree party-girl” head and an, “oh my gosh where is my Prada purse?” head...well, not yet anyway! Not only that, but castles, ships, trucks, airplanes and other structures that don’t start with “L” or end with “O” come in a bazillion ridiculous cryptic puzzle pieces that take precious sane hours away from parents to build, only to be completely destroyed minutes later by the loved ones we bought them for. I mean, do the heads come off so my son can stick them in the hidden compartment of his castle? Is that the reason? That’s where I find most of them, IF I can find them at all! Don’t they realize that when children see that something comes apart, they will take it apart? And, if there aren’t snazzy compartments for them to stash them, they will put the little pieces in places where you’ll never ever find them again? Are there beetles giddy with glee as they decorate their hole in the wall with the tiny heads of action figures? I imagine so…

My daughter’s horse ranch is another great example. Why couldn’t it just be one big horse ranch unit, with all the animals and cowboys, harmoniously in once piece? Why do the awning lights have to come off? Why can’t the fence be one big, possibly folding, fence? Why in the world would a cowboy build a horse gate that snaps off? For every minute it takes them to rip their toys apart it takes me 40 just to get them back together. And the lectures do not work; it is too tempting for them to dismantle anything in their path. Glue doesn’t work. Tape is a joke. Maybe dipping the whole thing in epoxy is the only solution!

So why give them the darn things you ask? Well, we are weak, gullible, guilt-tripped! We are TOLD that our deprived children NEED these toys! They beg with their big eyes and quivering lips! And really, we all wish as youngsters we had toys half a cool as they do! We want the best for our kids, and actually, we mindlessly and thankfully accept gifts from anyone that will buy anything for our kids…and they usually buy the toys that come in a million pieces. They just don’t know.

What annoys me most about the horse ranch is while it does come with cute horsies, ranchers, cowboys, trees, wheel-barrels, brooms, brushes, etc. it also comes with, get ready, horse poop. Why, oh why, does one of the 8 million pieces have to be horse poop? Does my child really have to worry about losing her horse poop? And don’t give me that “it allows them to mimic real life situations" nonsense; if that were the case then the action figure’s stupid heads wouldn’t be popping off! Ugh…