Wednesday, March 24, 2010

If You Pee in the Woods but it Misses the Ground, Where Does It Go?

Can you pee in the woods? I mean, if you're a girl, can you maneuver yourself into an effective position for a quick tinkle in the thickets when you're on the road and far away, from smarmy gas stations, and towns with only one bullet-ridden stop sign, without having any problems whatsoever? How about your two-year-old daughter who was just potty trained? Yeah, I am about to flash back. Hope I don't pass out in the process...

See normally, I pack no less than 825 bags of stuff when going on a road trip that is longer than an hour. I mean, there are tons of things I cannot live without in an hour's span, and that doesn't change just because I am strapped into a hunk of metal and plastic going 80mph down a highway. Add in a hubby and two kids and well, it's a wonder we ever leave the house. Can we all say trailer hitch?

The list I wrote for a baby's diaper bag is nearly exhaustive (typing hurts) but once they hit a certain age, and there is more than one, and the trips are longer, the list gets well, more exhaustive. Here is what you should always have with you on a family "cross-country" road trip:

Water, like a few gallons or ten
A few pounds of snacks
Frozen ice packs
Paper towels
Toilet paper
Toys of every sort, size, color and shape
Music, books, musical books
DVD player
Pen and paper
Plastic Ziplock bags
Garbage bags
Decked out First Aid kit
Blankets and pillows
Bug spray
Spare tire
Air compressor
Utility knife
Waterproof matches or flint
Gallon of hand sanitizer
Necessary feminine hygiene products
Duct tape
Cell phone
Cell phone charger
AAA card
Your kids
4 full changes of clothes for each person, considering any and all weather patterns.
3 pairs of shoes, possibly snow shoes, roller-blades and stilts.

It's also a great idea to get in several epis of Survivorman, Man vs. Wild, Jeff Corwin and Macgyver...

if you watched enough Macgyver you probably packed a Bon Jovi CD, rubber band, a piece of chalk and a cocky attitude as well. Good for you.

But ya know sometimes you just get lazy.

One time while we were on a 4-hour drive to visit the Sea Life Center in small fishing town in Alaska, Audrey, who was two, decided she needed to pee. Now, normally my kids have the bladders of, well, something that can hold its pee for seemingly days on end. Like, a backwards camel or something. No, that's a weird visual. Moving on...

But she really needed to pee, and this was rather important because she was newly potty trained, and therefore not in any sort of absorbent diaper/pull up-type thing. And the genius that I am, I did not pack any extra clothes. Call me stupid if you must, but, I am sticking with lazy.

So we were like, an hour from any creepy gas station or a semblance of a town, and by town I mean a bar, fishing tackle shop and a creepy gas station. This is when we decided to pull over and have her pee in the woods.

Now, for a poor little child who had just run the rigors of potty training, who heard things like, "nooooooooo!" as she peed on the floor, this event was traumatizing at best. In her head I am sure she was all, "wait, I JUST started peeing in that big white bowl, just like Elmo does and now she wants me to pee on the ground? Again?"

Maybe I was distracted by the cars whizzing by in the distance, or the mosquitoes lining up to devour her backside, or her constant screaming, "no pee outside!" or the very real threat of bears, but once she let it go, none of it hit the ground. It all hit my thigh. No wait. Some of it got ALL OVER her too. Yeah, that's right...

So there I stood, holding a screaming child, both of us drenched with urine. I walked back to the car and hubby asked, "what happened?"

"I can't pee outside and I can't even teach my child to pee outside!" I sobbed, "the one time I myself tried to pee outside I was 6 and I got it all over my pants and when I came inside my mom asked me what happened and I lied and said the swings were wet and she didn't believe me so I went for the 'I laughed so hard I peed my pants' bit to which she told me I had lied to her and that it was a bad thing to do. Lie that is!"

"Did you pack extra clothes?" He asked.

So with that I sat in my pee-drenched jeans and Audrey sat in her pee-drenched jeans and she cried and I gnashed my teeth until we reached our destination an hour away.

One would think that hour-old pee stench is too much to take, but we were in a fishing town, so, the smell was masked quite nicely.

Do you know there are no real stores in fishing towns?

Yeah, no Wal-Mart, Target, JC Penney, Sears, Kohls, 7/11, nothing. There are tourist shops. And fishing tackle shops. And beer. Maybe a fish and chips joint...

We pulled up next to a shop that seemed to have at least fleece pull overs with Alaska all over them, so I set out to get clothes for myself and my poor little girl.

Guess what I found.

After scouring the whole store, the one store with any clothes at all, I bought a pair of boys swim trunks for 20 bucks for Audrey, and the only pair of pants, which were pastel, nearly transparent, pink capris, a size too small, for the bargain price of 45 bucks. For me.


Thank goodness I had on white underwear.

So, I came out of the store wearing capris that distinctly showed my underwear line, and could rip at any moment, holding my daughter who needed a belt for her new swim trunks which were hiked up to her neck. My husband was thoroughly impressed with my choices and the price I paid, and I was completely ecstatic to walk around the sea life center wearing pants that showed every bulge and the fact that I hadn't shaved my legs that day.

Seriously I wanted to cry and drive straight home but, we had pelicans and otters and sea lions to see and star fish to pet. You know how kids under the age of 4 remember these things!

It was just so tragic because 3 pairs of pants were thrown away that day (there ain't no gettin' pee smell out of jeans that have steeped for 7 hours in urine, and, those capris, while they saved the day, really did no one any favors) and no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, people had to walk behind me, and I am sure my awesome super-tight transparent pink capris distracted them from looking at salmon spawning and the giant octopus, which really was the main attraction. There are no pictures of this fashion disaster. Even if there were, I would have rigged an abandoned microwave to decimate the pictures in while singing, Blaze of Glory.

Learn from this experience my friends. Pack your bags, and oh, get one of these like wendiwinn has, or at least get a friend who will send you one.

Happy to be back.


w said...

first to comment.

w said...

i'm so glad you're back. i mean. you never (resist nevar) really left me. but still.

this was an awesome post. the best ever 'i have returned (resist retarned) to the blogging world' post ever (resist evar).

so the oldly pair of pants were capris? man.

did you feed any pudinguins? or pick any dannylions?

you can't blame me. it's been a long time. i'm gonna need a couple posts to warm up.

The Retired One said...

Funny, funny story.
Oh, and good news for you...
once you hit over 55 you will need to bring pants for you again...because when you laugh, you pee.
I laugh. A. LOT. ha

Creative Junkie said...

This cracked me up!

OK - so I'm guessing you weren't a girl scout in your prior life? I wasn't either and I also can't pee in the woods and not just because wildlife would see and/or hear me, which is bad enough, but because my pee stream can sometimes go all whackadoodle in a very exuberant fashion and it wouldn't surprise me a bit to emerge from the woods with pee dripping from my hair.

Sara said...

oh my word, this was hilarious. Also I cannot pee outside. And I pray for boys. Or maybe I will buy a bedpan.

Unknown said...

OMG I about peed my pants reading this...welcome back...and...please don't go away again..even though you were not gone..but...don't go away.

Oh, and I'll get you a go girl too if you want one...I hear they make excellent hats and funnels too!

tristan said...

man. did you ever see that episode of undercover boss where the trash lady had to pee in a coffee can while she was on her route?!

that has tetanus shot written all over it.

StephaE said...

This is my life....when something can go goes HORRIBLE!!!

Stephanie said...

ROFL I'm sorry, but that is a way funy road trip. And for the record, I can so pee in the woods! Not a problem:)

Vanessa said...

I cannot pee in the woods, and I had a similar experience w/Big Sister on our way to Sea World one time, and a similar freak out, but no one pees on my leg unless I get stung by a jellyfish.

And "you go girl" is no longer in my vocabulary.


so glad 2 c u back i did read entire post but deprived of sleep have nothing to add except that i would have worn the pee pants to avoid pink capris

but that's me

and i also have no sense of smell

a blessing?


Kearsie said...

Oh how I've missed you and your stories of pee and plastic knives and Community and how I saw this video of Lady Gaga today that broke my eyes and I tried to do leg lunges and broke my knees and I just missed you.

5 Kids With Disabilities said...

This was SUCH a great, funny story! You definitely live by the girl scout motto...always be prepared!
Lindsey Petersen

Amy Kate said...

You know what? If nothing else, your tale of pastel-pants-woe is going to make me less judgmental and mocking when I see someone in an unfortunate pair of pants when I'm out and about. I will think to myself "Oh, I bet she's been sitting in pee for an hour. Poor dear."

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I loved that you put "your kids" waaaaay down at the end of your "must bring" list. lol

She Said said...

My family and I are in Beijing, China for three months. If you *really* want to learn how to pee anywhere, come here. Seriously. I have seen kids stop and squat to pee just about everywhere here. You and your daughter will be pros after some time here! ;-)

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